Guys not wanting to even meet half way on first date.


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Dyveke23 is offline Dyveke23 Post #1  August 15,2009, 9:39pm
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So I have been doing online dating for a few months and have had about 7 first dates. I live in a larger city (takes a good 25 minutes to get from one end to the other) In 5 of those dates the guy wanted to meet close to where HE worked or lived, and did not offer to meet half way or come to my part of town. All of the guys knew where I lived before making plans where to meet.

For example, one wrote "I'll meet you at X Brewery at 5pm", which ended up being a 5 minute walk from his work, while I ended up driving 40 minutes to get there! There was another guy who, after telling him I lived in SE, wrote back saying he lived in NW and usually goes to a certain arts district near his home and I could join him there for happy hour-30 minute drive for me. Another guy met me half way on the first date, but then after that he kept wanting me to drive 30 minutes out of town to another city where he lived...never offering to come to my own neighborhood.

What the heck is up with these guys? I just find this behavior very off-putting. It also smacks of either a serial dater who found out that it is not cost-effective to drive to where the woman is when you're dealing in bulk OR that they are not all that interested in me. Anyone else notice this?
Last edited by Dyveke23; August 15,2009 at 9:49pm.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  August 15,2009, 10:05pm
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Slimy. I dont know how old you are, but I find that sort of behavior more common in younger guys.
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #3  August 15,2009, 10:13pm
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Dyveke, what is this? The Amazing Race? Just say no. You're not a puppet-on-a-string and shouldn't be chasing your dates around town.

Choose a central location, that's equally inconvenient for both. If he's unable to meet you half-way, that is not your queue to hunt him down.

Best of luck.
 
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gr8guy is offline gr8guy Post #4  August 15,2009, 10:18pm
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Could be he gets lost easily - after all he is male.

Could be that he's lazy - after all he is male.

Could be he's hoping to get lucky and wants home bed advantage - after all he is male.

Put up with it if you want to, otherwise let him know you'd prefer something midway.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #5  August 15,2009, 10:30pm
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Dyveke23 wrote :
So I have been doing online dating for a few months and have had about 7 first dates. I live in a larger city (takes a good 25 minutes to get from one end to the other) In 5 of those dates the guy wanted to meet close to where HE worked or lived, and did not offer to meet half way or come to my part of town. All of the guys knew where I lived before making plans where to meet.

For example, one wrote "I'll meet you at X Brewery at 5pm", which ended up being a 5 minute walk from his work, while I ended up driving 40 minutes to get there! There was another guy who, after telling him I lived in SE, wrote back saying he lived in NW and usually goes to a certain arts district near his home and I could join him there for happy hour-30 minute drive for me. Another guy met me half way on the first date, but then after that he kept wanting me to drive 30 minutes out of town to another city where he lived...never offering to come to my own neighborhood.

What the heck is up with these guys? I just find this behavior very off-putting. It also smacks of either a serial dater who found out that it is not cost-effective to drive to where the woman is when you're dealing in bulk OR that they are not all that interested in me. Anyone else notice this?
I can't say that I've noticed this with any regularity before. I have to ask you something, though. If they made these offers, and they weren't acceptable to you, why didn't you make another suggestion? Sometimes people don't always put two and two together to get four, and it's not because they're insensitive or uninterested. If it happens again, why don't you counter with an alternative suggestion that would be half way between the two of you?

As for the guy who kept inviting you out to his area after the first date, if you were willing to make the trip and didn't voice any objections, why would he think there was a problem with that? Did you ever invite him to come back to your neighborhood again?

It would be great if everyone was tuned into us enough to realize when we found something insensitive, but unless you actually express that, no one is going to know you have a problem with it. It sounds like you need to work on communicating your expectations. Men can do many wonderful things, but mind reading isn't one of those things. And I bet if these men knew how you felt, they'd be willing to work with you at least half of the time.

Good luck to you!
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #6  August 15,2009, 10:43pm
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arh, do you say where you would want to meet. I'd alo suggest that ay suggests some where too far away, just say it wouldn' fit you schedual. Wouldn't hurt to infer you meeting someone else later. Them again, I often suggest places I like. And don't bother with folk more then a decent cycling ride away. If I were the gys in question, I'd have just "past" on you as too fat]r away. Plenty, closer.
 
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roguewolf1 is offline roguewolf1 Post #7  August 15,2009, 10:45pm

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MCMLXXII wrote :
Dyveke, what is this? The Amazing Race? Just say no. You're not a puppet-on-a-string and shouldn't be chasing your dates around town.

Choose a central location, that's equally inconvenient for both. If he's unable to meet you half-way, that is not your queue to hunt him down.

Best of luck.
OP, what she said. You might have to be more assertive. These guys are taking advantage of you.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #8  August 16,2009, 12:05am
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Everyone likes to be in their comfort zone, there's nothing wrong with that, but for dating, especially first dates, there is no question of compromise for me, we meet where she wants to meet.
While i might suggest a place close to me if i thought my date would really like it my major concern is that she be comfortable and feel safe because (A) it's the right thing to do and (B) selfish as it may sound how the hell are we going to have a good date if she can't relax and enjoy it?
I'm comfortable anywhere and i'm a guy, six feet something tall and not built like a beanpole, (not Jonah Lomu either but hey, who is?) i'm often told i should be playing rugby, so i have no worries about my own safety, but i know women do have to be concerned, especially when meeting six foot something strangers who aren't built like beanpoles. I know i can look intimidating and that's not a good thing on top of all the other first date nerves, so it's up to me to lessen that however i can. I know personally several women who have been dosed with Rohypnol. Some were lucky and had friends close by to take charge and get them somewhere safe, some were not so lucky.

Maybe i'm crazy but if a guy doesn't even consider these things and pushes for his own comfort zone against the expressed wishes of his date then i pretty much see that as a power play, if you ignore your dates comfort for your own advantage or convenience then you're putting her on the defensive, and to me that's not dating, it's bulldozing.

Of course i could be talking complete rubbish from other peoples perspective but hey, i go with what feels right to me.
Last edited by gothustartus; August 16,2009 at 12:09am. Reason: typo
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #9  August 16,2009, 12:05am
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I'm going to offer this guess also: You are one that likes the guy to make the plans. Most guys will plan on going somewhere that they know for the first date. And for second dates and third, etc. If you are leaving it completely up to him, then you are going to have to travel. If the guy doesn't know your area of town very well, how can you expect him to make a plan for a date closer to you?

You need to take some initiative and suggest a plan and/or a meeting place that you know (such as the Bagdad McMenamin's, if I am correctly guessing your city). Let him know the SE part of town is not that bad.
 
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bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #10  August 16,2009, 1:58am
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Are you sure your dates own cars?

I've dated several men (in the past) who didn't own cars. They weren't poor, but just didn't own a car and in some cases maybe didn't like to drive, so I did all the driving when we went on dates, with the guy as my passenger. And if your dates are planning to drink (more than you are) it makes sense he wouldn't want to drive.
 
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