marcelloan is offline marcelloan Post #1  August 15,2009, 8:49pm
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First of all I am actually pleased with eharmony and the woman I have met and enjoyed the company of! I agree if there isn't a connection between both parties after the first or second dates both people should move on! Plus I prefer this to anyone my family or friends have set me up with!

Here's my issue....at this point! I become a paid member in April 09, and within a week after emailing four woman one woman and decide to meet. She reveals she broke up with her fiance and still has feelings for him! She goes back to him after another date and a lot of time spent on the phone!

In June I connect with a woman and really think...feel we have a connection. She tells me she is three and a half months from being divorced under California's civil code and understands if I want to move on! She seemed from email and phone conversations to be emotionally positive she wanted to date! For three weeks until 5 July everything was going great, and she tells me she's feeling like she's not ready for a relationship! She tells me she'll contact me after her divorce is final! Two days later she introduces me to her 22 month old son and sister! She is talking about our future! Two days ago...she took her husband back!!!!!!!!!!!

What am I doing???? Is it me! Did I unfortuantely meet and connect with two women who probably shouldn't have been on eharmony?? Maybe something more adult and short term for them??? I waited 8 months after my divorce and made sure my daughter adjusted. I thought I was ready and wanted to find a special woman, but this is throwing me off! I was in a relationship with my ex-wife for 7 years...so to say I'm out of practice is somewhat true, but I can communicate with almost anyone!

Any advice or guidance is appreciated! Thank you.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  August 18,2009, 4:04pm
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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Unfortunately, not everyone uses the best judgment when it comes to signing up for dating services. They sign up for their own reasons, and they don't consider whether they are really in a place to be dating. They also don't necessarily think about how their decisions might affect others.

I really don't think this is a result of you or anything you've done. I think you've run into one woman who shouldn't be on eHarmony, and another who just doesn't seem to know what she wants. While unfortunate, I don't think this is you at all.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #3  August 18,2009, 5:19pm
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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IMO internet dating can be more challenging than traditional dating, because you lack being able to read nonverbal cues. Likely had you met these women through traditional means, you may have picked up on something a lot sooner. But that aside, it's a gamble, and you got some duds. You just have to keep trying.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #4  August 18,2009, 5:27pm

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brneyedangel wrote :
Unfortunately, not everyone uses the best judgment when it comes to signing up for dating services. They sign up for their own reasons, and they don't consider whether they are really in a place to be dating. They also don't necessarily think about how their decisions might affect others.

I really don't think this is a result of you or anything you've done. I think you've run into one woman who shouldn't be on eHarmony, and another who just doesn't seem to know what she wants. While unfortunate, I don't think this is you at all.
Yep! Guilty as charged. I do think signing up for internet dating is an easy way to feel like you are moving on from a relationship when you aren't really ready. And yes, we don't realize how that affects others.

And yep, it is not your fault. They are out there (and one right here). Just stick with it - there are also people serious about finding someone.

Good luck!
 
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BuzWeaver is offline BuzWeaver Post #5  August 18,2009, 6:21pm
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This is somewhat typical of some segments of internet dating. Its amazing the varying approaches, perspectives and personalities you can come across. Don't get discouraged. In my experience you can come across someone that seems to have all the right elements and can portray themselves one way, but their actions seem completely opposite.
 
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graceventually is offline graceventually Post #6  August 18,2009, 8:05pm
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was married Nov.28, and is no longer active on this site.

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I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Unfortunately, some people don't realize that they aren't ready for another relationship until they are already in one, and are likely to cause hurt and confusion.

Best of luck going forward.
 
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OneDollar is offline OneDollar Post #7  August 18,2009, 9:07pm
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marcelloan wrote :
First of all I am actually pleased with eharmony and the woman I have met and enjoyed the company of! I agree if there isn't a connection between both parties after the first or second dates both people should move on! Plus I prefer this to anyone my family or friends have set me up with!

Here's my issue....at this point! I become a paid member in April 09, and within a week after emailing four woman one woman and decide to meet. She reveals she broke up with her fiance and still has feelings for him! She goes back to him after another date and a lot of time spent on the phone!

In June I connect with a woman and really think...feel we have a connection. She tells me she is three and a half months from being divorced under California's civil code and understands if I want to move on! She seemed from email and phone conversations to be emotionally positive she wanted to date! For three weeks until 5 July everything was going great, and she tells me she's feeling like she's not ready for a relationship! She tells me she'll contact me after her divorce is final! Two days later she introduces me to her 22 month old son and sister! She is talking about our future! Two days ago...she took her husband back!!!!!!!!!!!

What am I doing???? Is it me! Did I unfortuantely meet and connect with two women who probably shouldn't have been on eharmony?? Maybe something more adult and short term for them??? I waited 8 months after my divorce and made sure my daughter adjusted. I thought I was ready and wanted to find a special woman, but this is throwing me off! I was in a relationship with my ex-wife for 7 years...so to say I'm out of practice is somewhat true, but I can communicate with almost anyone!

Any advice or guidance is appreciated! Thank you.
Marcello,

your initial assessment is very likely correct. Honestly, though, be sure you are giving yourself the best chance for success! Red flags go up for a reason, and ladies who do these things should probably be avoided without any self-loathing from you.

Something else, a little sensitive for any conversation: what kind of image are you presenting? Be honest - could you use a makeover? Is your wardrobe updated - would you want to be seen with you? Have you been to the dentist lately? Really! If there's one thing about you that is a turn-off, a woman will make all kinds of excuses and reasons up to let you off the hook without hurting your feelings. We'd rather it be our fault at this stage than deal with a bad comb-over or something like it. If you're not sure how to read this, you may ask a trusted friend or sibling what you could do to improve your initial impression. NO ONE will tell you that you have bad breath, but no one will also kiss you twice.

Finally (and I'm sorry if I'm poking bruises, Marcello, but you asked), are you coming off weird or desperate? It's one thing to be a gentleman but another thing to smile and agree too much. You're probably a very good catch - get in touch with that part of you! It's all right to be selective. This is going to take a while.

Good luck, amico!
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  August 19,2009, 11:32am
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Yes, lots of walking wounded out there shopping around for a warm body to hold their hand while they "get it together".
But if they told you out front they will just be using you as a recovery tool, well, that would be too considerate and normal, wouldn't it?
If that were the case, they would not be out there, running away from the evil ex or having been kicked to the curb by the last decent guy.

There are some decent ones out there, just enjoy the show for a while and learn the ropes, a good sense of humor helps
 
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DLance is offline DLance Post #9  August 19,2009, 11:40am
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I think you need to move on. You do not even know these people. You have little time, money and energy involved. God gave you a brain and two feet. Run run run.

There are many more young ladies out there. I look at as selling bonds. When told no, hang up the phone and call the next one. You cannot get caught up in drama and one or two people. Just keep canvasing for another.

Rember, if is sounds like drama, acts like drama, it is drama. Move on.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #10  August 19,2009, 12:22pm
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marcelloan wrote :
In June I connect with a woman and really think...feel we have a connection. She tells me she is three and a half months from being divorced under California's civil code and understands if I want to move on! She seemed from email and phone conversations to be emotionally positive she wanted to date! For three weeks until 5 July everything was going great, and she tells me she's feeling like she's not ready for a relationship! She tells me she'll contact me after her divorce is final! Two days later she introduces me to her 22 month old son and sister! She is talking about our future! Two days ago...she took her husband back!!!!!!!!!!!
This match lied and violated the terms of service when she signed up at eHarmony. Not a good sign! Your experience illustrates just one of the reasons why eH does not permit people who are separated (and not yet divorced) to participate on the site.

If you haven't done so already, please report her profile to matchconcerns@eharmony.com. It's important that it be removed so more men are not matched with her.

It sounds like your first match thought she was ready to date, but wasn't. Perhaps she shouldn't have been on the service yet but it doesn't sound like she was trying to be deceptive. As graceventually said, people often don't know they aren't ready until they try to go out with someone new. The second one, though, shouldn't have been on the service at all.

Given your experience, in the future you might want to assess earlier on whether your matches are truly out of their most recent relationship. Although it's not the case that everyone who left a past relationship recently isn't ready to meet someone new, it's a topic to consider. (And certainly don't pursue a relationship with someone who is still married -- no matter how well she claims the divorce is going...lol!)
 
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