should i stay or should i run like crazy?


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honeybunches is offline honeybunches Post #1  August 15,2009, 6:23pm
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Hi, I'm looking for some advice on getting past some fears I have about dating again.

Four years ago I escaped from a relationship in which I was getting severely abused. Several times my ex almost killed us. I think I still have post traumatic stress, and my 5 year old son did too, even though he was only 1 when we left and I got full custody-no visitation. I feel like I'm broken and sort of like a rescue dog from the shelter. For the first year, no one except my child, not even my mother, could hug me.

I have a therapist, who is very helpful and recommended eharmony as a way to safely meet someone new. I have been matched with all sorts of totally nice guys, and no one has been mean or nasty to me. I've successfully set up a new life (bought an apartment, finished grad school, got a great job) and I want to meet a guy who will be a great friend and trustworthy companion. I imagine all sorts of wonderful, fun times.

My problem is that I become terrified very easily and run the other way (closing out matches for no good reason). Sometimes I just break off relationships even when we're already talking on the phone. The last time I did that, it was because the guy was calling me too many times a day and it reminded me of bad times. He was very sweet and I think he just liked me. I was imagining red flags. I remind myself of those dogs on the dog whisperer show that won't go outside. I've become neurotic.

I don't trust myself to choose a nice guy because when I met my ex, he charmed everyone and my friends and family liked him. One guy I'm currently talking to seems jealous or concerned about other guys on eharmony (he says that he imagines I must have a lot of other guys calling me). My red flag alert is going off the charts. Is that bad? In other ways, this guy seems really great though. Part of me really likes him and the other part is terrified.

So, my question is how can I choose a nice guy this time, and how can I not run away from any man who likes me? What can I do if I start having anxiety on our first date? When and how should I tell this guy about my past?

Thanks for your help.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  August 15,2009, 6:54pm
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wrote :
I don't trust myself to choose a nice guy because when I met my ex, he charmed everyone and my friends and family liked him. One guy I'm currently talking to seems jealous or concerned about other guys on eharmony (he says that he imagines I must have a lot of other guys calling me). My red flag alert is going off the charts. Is that bad? In other ways, this guy seems really great though. Part of me really likes him and the other part is terrified.
This kind of stuff is really really hard to say when I dont know the parties involved. I have no idea of what this guy is like otherwise. He could just really like you. A lot. Or he could be paranoid psycho stalker weirdo. No way for me to know.

The main point is that you seem concerned about your ability to assess other peoples intentions. I personally would get that in order before I started dating.

Barring waiting to start dating again, you cant go wrong with taking things very slowly and being clear with yourself about what your boundaries are. And if you aren't sure if they are reasonable, get the feedback from a close friend that knows you. But dont change them till you work them out. ykwim?

Good luck to you
 
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honeybunches is offline honeybunches Post #3  August 15,2009, 7:00pm
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Thanks Nanette, your reply makes me feel better. I do have a friend who wants to do double dates to check out my dating picks, so that would work out great!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  August 15,2009, 7:06pm
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Oh and congrats on getting out of a bad relationship and absolutely shining afterward. Way to go!
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #5  August 15,2009, 7:10pm
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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It's up to you if you would like to explain your situation in your profile, but I think that you should make certain that your profile states something like you're not looking for a serious committment and just would like to date someone for companionship. That way you can ease into the dating arena again and cue men to keep everything fairly light. Put what you're looking for up front in your email. Go slowly and continue working with your therapist. Just don't loose faith in yourself. Remember, you're a survivor. You can do it. It will just take a little time.
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #6  August 15,2009, 7:30pm
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Hi Honey: In my opinion, this forum can't answer those questions for you. Since you have a counselor, you may need to lean on them to help guide you through this process or atleast be a sounding board. I, like a lot of women, have suffered my own trauma and it doesn't take much for me to put up a brick wall, so I understand your dilemma.

Best of luck.
 
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kingfish77 is offline kingfish77 Post #7  August 15,2009, 8:09pm
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hi honeyb, i too was in that same boat years ago. ptsd is not something you get over, over night. you or your child. as your counselor has told you we tend to stray back to the same abusers. listen to your instincts. take everything slow. if your seeing red flags discuss it with your counselor. we are not meant to be alone. it sounds like you've come a long way. congrats on all your success. i wish you well. god bless. p
Last edited by kingfish77; August 15,2009 at 8:12pm.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  August 16,2009, 10:33am
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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I have two suggestions:

1. You need to communicate clearly what you want, need and won't accept. I am thinking of the guy who was calling too much. Or the guy that thinks you must have a lot of matches chasing you, ask things to tell you if he is saying this because he is jealous or if he is saying it because he thinks you are great.

2. You say you have a therapist. Print out profiles and e-mails you have for the guys that you are interested in and are talking to and take them with you to your therapist and discuss their take on these guys. S/He should spot things about the guy that you are not seeing and discuss your concern / fear of proceeding with these guys if s/he does not see red flags from the profile and e-mails.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  August 16,2009, 11:22am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
2. You say you have a therapist. Print out profiles and e-mails you have for the guys that you are interested in and are talking to and take them with you to your therapist and discuss their take on these guys. S/He should spot things about the guy that you are not seeing and discuss your concern / fear of proceeding with these guys if s/he does not see red flags from the profile and e-mails.

I really like this idea. I would also run them past my girlfriend, and perhaps even her boyfriend, if he's a good friend of yours, too.

I do have a question, though. You said your Therapist suggested you try eHA. Is that because you told her you wanted to date again? I'm just wondering if it was your idea, if you're ready...

Another concern re: double dates with the girlfriend. There was a thread here a couple weeks back about that. Some guy wanted to meet a girl who insisted on bringing another couple along. He wasn't comfortable, and neither were the replies he got.

If you go that route, I would be sure the guy understands your need for that. OR...You could meet in a public place with the other couple near enough for safety but not for conversation. Say at a restaurant with them at another table.

Congrats on getting your life back together for your boy. Good luck, hon.
 
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mistyrain is offline mistyrain Post #10  August 16,2009, 5:32pm
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My husband passed away about two years ago, it was not expected. I have similar thoughts/feelings you do, but obviously not for the same reason. It is a double-edged sword at times and the only advice I can give is someone that cares about you will understand you need to take it slow. Often it seems for me it is three steps forward, two steps back, but at least I get one "good" forward step out of that. Life is still one day at a time for all of us. : ) Hang in there!
 
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