weight insecurity when meeting new people


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reenz is offline reenz Post #1  August 12,2009, 8:36pm
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Hi all. I'd appreciate some honest advice. I have struggled with my weight my whole life - since I was a kid. It's been a major grievance in my life. I've tried a number of times to lose the weight, only to yo-yo over and over. I am currently in my late twenties, 5'2" and 190 pounds. I do have some endocrine (hormonal) issues which make it more difficult for me to lose weight than most people - though a good portion of my weight is still related to stress/emotional eating, which I need to continue to work on. I am however very health conscious, as I eat a vegan diet and work out a few times per week.

My weight has also been an issue in meeting new people. I met a man back in 2007 which shattered my confidence related to meeting new people. After my last relationship breakup in 2004 (I was about 165 pounds then, though gained a lot of weight in the next few years), I didn't go on a date with anyone until late 2007. I met the guy online and we got to know one another long distance, though things were never that involved. He had seen several of my pictures before we met, and we had agreed to spend a weekend together at a retreat center in a state midway between us as our first meeting. Since 2007 was a very difficult year for me in my personal life, it took a lot of courage for me to go on that date over 3 years of being single. But at the end of our weekend together, he looked like he couldn't get away fast enough... and he never called me again. Even though I never liked him all that much, the rejection still stung. Then last year I met another man, who I really fell for hard. We also met online. He was VERY interested in me in the beginning, calling me regularly and talking to me for hours. Based on my experience with the guy in 2007, I approached things differently with the next guy. I showed him my pictures (full-length) immediately, and he was okay with where I was at (even though he was very fit and muscular himself). However, just to be on the safe side, I told him my weight (which was 203 pounds at that time)... I just wanted to tell him upfront, to get that out of the way and not repeat the previous situation. Even though he had seen pictures of me, after I told him my weight, he seemed a bit uncomfortable and started pulling back... still calling me often to talk, but seeming more distant. I'm not sure why he was uncomfortable with the number, even though he had seen a picture of me at that current weight and was okay with me. But somehow the number bothered him. He ended up rejecting me some time later citing incompatibilities, though part of me wondered if the weight was the real issue (since that was when his attitude towards me changed). He knew how hard I was trying to get fit, but I got the feeling that deep down he didn't know if I could.

After my heart was crushed to pieces with the last guy a year ago, I haven't approached anyone else... until now. I am not an insecure person overall, as I have a number of strengths to offer a relationship, but it's the weight that really gets me down. I am currently a graduate student, and have a number of both male and female acquaintances who enjoy being around me - so I am a person that others like to be with. My male colleagues smile and come over to chat with me all the time, so I know that male peers like being around me.

After 1 year of not initiating any dates, I saw someone's profile today that seemed somewhat interesting. I did send him an icebreaker. I don't know whether he will reciprocate interest or not, but in the case he (or others) do, should I tell them within the first week or two that I am 190 pounds (even though my pics are posted)? Part of me would rather be rejected up front, rather than taking the chance of getting my heart involved again only to be crushed later by someone I really like.

I know some people may tell me to see if I can't lose more weight before trying to date again, but I'm at a place where I just need to be accepted for where I am right now - as this has been a lifelong battle. Maybe I will get slim someday, maybe I won't. I just want to be liked for who I am, not my potential. At the same time, I am not looking for men who have a fetish for fat women, since I am genuinely health-oriented and want to progressively get fitter.

Any thoughts would be most appreciated. Thanks!
Last edited by reenz; August 12,2009 at 9:03pm.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  August 12,2009, 9:21pm
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I'm sorry you've had some tough experiences. But, good for you for continuing to put yourself out there.

Do not give them the "number"! Even if they ask. It's none of their business (and that's true whether you are a woman who weighs 130 or 190...). You can weigh 190 and look like you weigh 190 or 210 or 175 depending on how the weight is distributed and how fit/muscular you are. Telling the number doesn't change how you look or how attracted a man will or won't be to you, but as you learned, they can freak a little when they actually hear a particular number that is much higher than what they think someone they are attracted to should weigh.

From what you've said, you have been able to connect with men who find you engaging and attractive (even if those relationships haven't ultimately worked out -- though, truthfully, the outcomes might have been the same even if you were slim). There is no reason to think that you won't find such a connection again. As it appears that you're already doing, post honest pictures. They will appeal to some but not to others (which is true for all of us, of course). But, you won't do yourself or your date any favors if you make your weight a surprise later on.

Since you mention that you have a lot of stress triggers for eating, I wonder if you've ever gotten any therapy around that issue? Cognitive-behavioral therapy may help you to recognize triggers and use different strategies to cope with them.

Best of luck to you....
 
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Ms666 is offline Ms666 Post #3  August 13,2009, 9:12am
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neardc wrote :

Do not give them the "number"! Even if they ask. It's none of their business (and that's true whether you are a woman who weighs 130 or 190...). You can weigh 190 and look like you weigh 190 or 210 or 175 depending on how the weight is distributed and how fit/muscular you are. Telling the number doesn't change how you look or how attracted a man will or won't be to you, but as you learned, they can freak a little when they actually hear a particular number that is much higher than what they think someone they are attracted to should weigh.
I agree! A lady need never reveal her weight or age. Numbers don't mean a darn thing, and they especially won't to the right guy. Be positive and confident about yourself no matter what, and it will show.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #4  August 13,2009, 1:11pm
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I agree. Definitely do not provide your weight in numbers. You've advised you've posted pics of yourself, so potential matches will see how you look.

It is difficult not to feel some insecurity when meeting people, as our appearance is often what is first noticed and sometimes that can be a deal-breaker for others. It does begin to ease as you lose weight (I've lost around 100lbs over 21 months) ... it has been a good 12 months since strangers felt they must comment on my weight and I'm getting more eye contact and smiles from strangers - both genders - when I'm out and about.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  August 13,2009, 2:21pm
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I favor not disclosing perceived liabilities. That specific question comes up here a lot, in the form of medical problems, and sometimes unemployment.
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #6  August 13,2009, 3:15pm
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Well glad you posted this one as you know similar thoughts were floating around in my head. Actually made me look at my pics once again to think on what I can respond. Even though I wear modest dress you can tell I use way more material than the average girl I think the most important things in your pics should be that:

1. Your wardrobe is updated. There are some fashion trends that simply are not flattering for the full figured woman. Bring a trendy friend along and really dress for your body shape. All big gals are not created equal. My sis is an upside down pear while I'm equally proportioned. This update also includes if you wear eye wear. It's not only good health practice to get them checked...being as you are more at risk for high BP and diabetes.. but you really want to frame your face right.

2. I tried to give different poses and picked the ones that showed me the most relaxed, happy, and accurate in terms of my general look and demeanor.

As far as communication...I always throw out the weight question in my first set to send...trust me...if they answer they are looking for a teeny tiny waist...not going to happen but if they have more average expectations...there is potential. Don't reveal numbers....most things in the world are subjective.
I suggest just living a healthier lifestyle...in increments. The most lasting changes and significant are done in small increments, consistently and over time...they become habit. In the past I have really enjoyed my membership at Curves. I liked the supportive environment, the fact that it was women of all shapes and sizes and the equipment is low intensity. Actually it felt more like a social club than a gym and they are really into projects that help the community. Personally I don't go anymore because of my economic situation and frankly because I don't care for music while working out.

With all these things...it really pulls away your focus from being self-conscious and makes you more me conscious. The better you take care of yourself and your needs you are actually creating positive energy that makes you more attractive without actually having to be that ideal you may have floating around in the back of your mind.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #7  August 13,2009, 6:22pm
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Thank you all for your helpful comments; I really appreciate them. I agree that I should get some counseling to assist with the emotional eating issues, as that plays a role in keeping me fat even though my diet is much 'cleaner' than most of my peers... as I eat much less junk food than most of my slim peers do.

One thing I struggle with is how to represent myself in my profile, as in the description I am almost apologetic for my weight. (Most of my profile is really positive and upbeat, but towards the middle-end when I bring up the weight issue, I really don't know what to say without sounding apologetic.) I do want to convey to my prospective matches that even though I do have weight issues, I do care about living a healthy and active life. I'd hate for a prospective match to simply observe my overweighness and wrongly assume that I sit home every night with a liter of soda, super value large bag of chips and a half gallon of ice cream.

Conversely, there are also slim people who eat very unhealthfully, and thus it is important for me to also find a match (whether currently slim or overweight) who is also working on a healthy lifestyle. I do want to be with a partner with who I can have an active life with, and not be with a partner where we sit on the couch all day. But when I write in my profile that I am health-conscious and very interested in things like nutrition and fitness, I feel like people would look at me as some kind of hypocrite. I don't know how to convey the dichotomy in my profile (of me being someone passionate about healthy living yet still being fat). I realize there are things I can work on to be healthier, such as not emotional eating, and eating smaller portions, as well as living with less stress. However, I probably do a lot of things more right than my weight would lead one to believe.
Last edited by reenz; August 13,2009 at 6:27pm.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #8  August 13,2009, 6:25pm
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If you're on EH or the like, make sure you have good full-length pictures of yourself so people can see them. If people know up front what you look like there's much less of a chance that they'll freak out when they meet you.

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If you have other issues you might want to get into therapy.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #9  August 13,2009, 6:51pm
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DDjr wrote :
If you're on EH or the like, make sure you have good full-length pictures of yourself so people can see them. If people know up front what you look like there's much less of a chance that they'll freak out when they meet you.

If you have other issues you might want to get into therapy.
I would agree that you should make sure you have good pictures of yourself and that way they will know up front what you look like. I would not put numbers and I also think you should stop explaining your weight. They will see your pic and either they will try to communicate or they will move on. I am telling you that I am also what they call a "full-figured" woman. I know what I need to do but in the meantime I refuse to stop my life because I need to lose weight. Trust me. Take a walk outside, find a good place to sit and people watch and you will see men and women who may need to lose some weight and they are walking around holding hands and acting lovey-dovery with very attractive "normal" size people. So don't belittle yourself. Just make sure that when you go out you look your best, wear clothing that makes you feel really good about yourself and make sure that you are well groomed. That will go a long way to help your self-esteem issues.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #10  August 13,2009, 7:49pm
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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If you would like some feedback on your profile, feel free to post it in the "Using eHarmony" forum, and you'll get some comments from people in the community.
 
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