HELP: Relentlessly depressed and lonly. Need advice.


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Satsirosu is offline Satsirosu Post #1  August 6,2009, 11:52pm
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MODS: If this thread is in the wrong section, please point me in the right direction.

I've had bouts of depression as long as I can remember, but this past year has absolutely been the worst. For months now I've laid in bed for hours on end unable to sleep and I think it's time I vent and seek advice. In order to accurately represent what I'm going through, I'll need to tell you my story, and I'll try to keep it as coherent as possible. If you don't mind reading what I have to say, I would love to hear some advice on how to deal with my situation. Thank you in advance and here it goes.

I'm 19 years old and as I said, I've always had problems with depression, but this mess got much worse about exactly a year ago. My ex girlfriend I met at 15, and she was my first love, first girlfriend, and the only girlfriend I've ever had. We dated long distance for three years. For the first two years, we were blissfully happy. We were dedicated to each other, connected on many different levels, talked literally every single day, and saw each other pretty often. I was pretty happy around this time and despite some daddy issues, there really wasn't much I could complain about.

Fast forward two years; My girlfriend and I are now 17 and we've begun arguing a lot, over stupid stuff. Really stupid stuff. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I was going through a lot of family troubles at the time. My father was an abusive man and my mother and I finally escaped him and moved out on our own. Without him, we were falling apart financially, I had recently dropped out of school, and my father was literally forcing his way into my home on a regular basis and trying to take his family back.. By force. Needless to say, I was very troubled at the time and my father really brought out the worst in my personality, which I guess I let out on the person who was closest to me -- my loving girlfriend. I recognize this now, but I didn't at the time. Her and I didn't get along too well for a few months (mostly because of me), and after another stupid argument, I broke up with her.

The next day, I went out to a concert and tried to loosen up and get my mind off things. Meanwhile, my girlfriend got really drunk and did something to get back at me.. I won't go into the details, but when I found out, I was absolutely crushed. It was quite easily the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. The events changed both of us as people for good. It ruined her self respect, and she slowly degraded into someone who will do anything (yes, anything) for attention from other guys. I blamed myself for this, which is where my emotional instability really began. Over the course of about a month, I tried to pick myself back up and fix my broken relationship -- I was still in love after all. Shortly after, my father passed away and I quickly fell into an even more emotionally vulnerable state. I had nobody I felt I could go to for support, so against my better judgment, I got back together with my girlfriend.

The next year of our relationship was the most stressful time I've experience so far in my life. Around the time I turned 18, my mom moved out to live with her boyfriend, leaving me in an apartment with another 18 year old kid to fend for ourselves. We simply were not making enough money and were barely getting by. I was trying to work full time, go to college, and figure out how to keep the electricity on, all with a roommate who was not exactly pulling his own weight. In this incredibly stressful time of my life, there was only one person I felt I could go to for emotional support -- my girlfriend. However, instead of getting emotional support, she stopped acting like she cared in the least bit, and this is about the time my depression really kicked in. This is the same depression I am still suffering from. Whenever I would try to vent, she would respond with things like "Yeah I know, new subject", or "Be a man, you can figure it out", or "Old news, stop whining". After dealing with this for a few months, I got sick of it and we broke it off for good.

After that, I tried desperately to find another girlfriend. Someone, anyone who could give me some kind of support. But after dating the same person for three years, I realized something. I have absolutely no idea how to ask someone out, or even how to get someone to like me. I don't even know where to look to find a girl suitable for me. I pursued a few different girls and got rejected each time.

Eventually, my mom rescued me from the hell I was experiencing and I moved here to live with her and my step dad. "Here" is in a different corner of the state, several hours away from everything I grew up around, and everyone I ever knew including all of my friends. In the time I've lived here, it's definitely been much less stressful. I don't have to worry about bills, I can work and go to school full time and actually save my money. I'm really getting my life back on track now. The only problem is, I've been here for 8 months and I still have only met one good friend, and I barely even see him lately, and needless to say, I am still single.

Now a little about who I am as a person; I'm a computer geek and an artist. I write stories and draw in my free time. My life dream is to make comic books and I go to college for graphic design. My spare time is spent in my bedroom, on the computer, drawing, writing, or playing video games, and that's when I actually have the will to do anything at all. What I really spend most of my time doing is sleeping, because I've been too depressed to bring myself to do much else.

I've always been a homebody and I've never enjoyed big parties like everyone else my age does. I tried all that stuff in high school and simply didn't like it. I couldn't stand being around all the drugs and alcohol and I didn't like all the people. I always preferred to stick with my close knit group of friends than to go out and party. This might be common in most places, but it definitely seems like I am the minority here. In both the place I grew up and here, Every person I see my age spends their weekend getting wasted and doing things they end up regretting. I don't care for any of that, so I stay home instead. Alone. And being completely alone for 8 months has really gotten to me.

It's not even the friendship that I need. I've gotten back together with my best friends that I grew up with, but it didn't make me feel any better. I'm lonely for a different kind of attention.. The kind of attention I didn't get from my girlfriend in the last year of my one and only relationship. I'm over her now, but I'm not over what I didn't get. I feel like I need it now, I need female attention. I need someone to help me nurture my wounds so I can become the strong individual I once was. The problem I've experienced here is that I'm weak, and girls don't seem to be attracted to weakness.

Now as I've stated before, I have no idea where to even look for girls that share my same interests. The only place I even get to socialize with girls my age is at work. There's plenty of them there, but every single one of them shares one thing in common: They all love to get drunk and party.

I know how it may sound, but trust me, this is a problem for me. I have a personal vendetta against alcohol. As if the fact that my father was an abusive drunk didn't make me hate the stuff enough, alcohol also happens to be the reason why him and his father died, AND my ex girlfriend did something incredibly stupid which later ruined her self respect and ultimately led to the demise of our relationship, all under the influence of alcohol. Plus, I just don't like the way the stuff tastes. For these reasons, I don't drink and I avoid the stuff like the plague.

Now the fact that I don't drink shouldn't be THAT big of a deal, right? That's what I thought anyway, until I got rejected by three different girls at work who I really thought liked me. The most recent rejection also told my only good friend why she rejected me. It was because "I'm not her type". And when he asked "what does that mean?", she said I'm not outgoing enough, because I don't like going to parties and getting wasted like she does. She also said I'm "too nice". Whatever that means. The fact that something like that could hold me back from finding someone to make me happy just hurts me even more on the inside.

It's become painfully obvious to me that I've been looking in the wrong place for women.. So instead, I've done the only thing I could think to do; dating websites. I've tried eHarmony, Match, Chemistry, Metro Date, and even tried using Myspace and Facebook. Still, I have yet to find any luck with any of these websites. I'm still depressed and I'm still lonely. I run around myself in circles for how to overcome this, and I always reach the same conclusion; I need help. I don't even know if finding a girlfriend will solve all of my problems, but it definitely will stop me from being so lonely. The only problem is, I can't. I've tried multiple times and failed. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm really sorry for rambling so much, but I really needed to vent, and I really need some advice. If you've read everything I have to say, please tell me what you think. What am I doing wrong? Is there something else I can do to help me not be so depressed? Is there some other way I can pursue finding a girlfriend so I'm not so lonely? Really, I'm a nice guy.. I made some mistakes with my last relationship, but I learned from them.. I just want some help out of this hole I dug myself so I can get back on my feet again..

For anyone still with me, thank you so much. It really means a lot.
Last edited by Satsirosu; August 6,2009 at 11:56pm.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  August 7,2009, 12:03am
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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Wow...you've really been through the wringer, haven't you? I'm so sorry that you are feeling so depressed.

I don't know if you're going to like my advice, but I'm going to give it to you anyway. In all honesty, before you can get to finding a girlfriend, you need to deal with your depression. When depression gets to the point that you have described, when it starts to interfere with your life and the things you enjoy, it's really time to see a counselor about it.

I have no doubt that you are a nice guy and a wonderful person, and you do deserve to be happy. Not just happy within a relationship, but happy about your life in general. Being content with yourself will help you in your goal to meet someone new and find someone who is right for you.

I truly wish you all the best.
 
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Satsirosu is offline Satsirosu Post #3  August 7,2009, 12:12am
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Thank you for replying, I'm honestly surprised anyone had the patience to sit through my ramblings. I really appreciate it.

Like I said, my life itself is looking up. I'm on a good track now and making progress towards my life dream, which is definitely helping my depression.

What really gets me down lately is just being alone in general, which is why I'm trying so hard to find a girlfriend. With as few friends as I have here, I'm generally left with no option but to go out to lunch alone, go shopping alone, etc. And everywhere I look, all I see is couples walking around, holding hands, kissing.. It all just reminds me of how alone I am. And it drives me to look even harder for a female to fill that void in my life. Knowing where to look is my biggest problem I guess..
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #4  August 7,2009, 1:25am
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Nothing to see here at all...

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Hi there,

The relationship dynamics you described with your ex-girlfriend is really not that unusual for someone your age. You are both young with a lot of living and learning ahead of you. Most of us grow out of this relationship style and, hopefully, learn a few vauable lessons along the way.

However, I am in full agreement with the Angel - you need to get treatment for your depression. Your life may be looking up, but you will never be able to form meaningful, lasting relationships with people, until your depression is well under control.

You may require medication or not - depression has many levels from very mild everyday depression we all go through from time to time to very deep clinical depression that can have very dire consequences, if left untreated.

Speak to your doctor, ASAP!

This is not a topic for dating advice boards to explore.

Good luck!
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #5  August 7,2009, 4:17am
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Satsirosu wrote :
Thank you for replying, I'm honestly surprised anyone had the patience to sit through my ramblings. I really appreciate it.fficeffice" />
[quote=Satsirosu;702160]
[COLOR=black]
Last edited by gothustartus; August 7,2009 at 4:23am.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #6  August 7,2009, 5:14am
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Nothing to see here at all...

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Sorry Goth,
As much as I love the honesty of your posts (including this one), and your intellect and wit, I'm going have to disagree with your conclusion.

Everybody is different, of course, but not knowing the severity of depression I would not say just give it time. Untreated clinial depression can do a lot of damage to the brain. I would certainly not recommend giving it time unless that's what medical professionals advise.

Also, given OP's age, it is unlikely that he has the same coping mechanisms in place as say a 30-year old man would. Age and life experience changes and (hopefully) matures us in more ways than one. So, someone in their late teens or early twenties is more likely to require outside help to cope with a even a relatively mild depression in an effective way, without planting seeds of future problems at the same time.
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #7  August 7,2009, 6:37am
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got her profile back! Thank you tech guy! :-)

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WOW! Your gift for writing is obvious and you are more capable of identifying and articulating your feelings and analyzing the issues than most adults twice your age!

From your post I gather you are a responsible, mature, intelligent guy. Puts you way ahead of the pack. I am so sorry life has dealt you some pretty HUMONGOUS blows. Your lonliness and longing for companionship comes across loud and clear.

Personally, nothing works better to pull myself out of a slump than doing something for others. Helping others gives me a purpose and focus outside of myself.

As I read your post I kept thinking over and over again how cool it would be if you could use your talent for writing and drawing to bring a smile into someone else's day and along the way, bring a smile back to your own face too.

Invest some time in some other relationships that have nothing to do with dating. For example, is there a children's hospital in your area where you could volunteer to make rounds and share some of your talent for writing and drawing? Draw funny caricatures for the kids? Share a story with them?

If no children's hospital in your area, maybe a daycare or boys/girls club, YMCA, etc. (might even be a childcare center at the college you are attending)

If you don't have an aversion to elderly people (some people do), you could do the same thing at a nursing home. I know this seems like a crazy off the wall suggestion to make to a 19 year old, but there are some amazing little ladies in nursing homes with lots of love, wisdom and life experience to share. You could probably even pick up some good dating advice from the men too!

Welcome to the boards. There are a bunch of very funny, friendly people around here. Hope you will stick around a while and keep us posted on how things are going in your world.

You've inspired and blessed me with your transparency. Thank you for sharing your story!
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #8  August 7,2009, 6:44am
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Check with your college health service or medical center. You don't need to go this alone.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #9  August 7,2009, 8:17am
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IcecreamMoon wrote :
Sorry Goth,
As much as I love the honesty of your posts (including this one), and your intellect and wit, I'm going have to disagree with your conclusion.

Everybody is different, of course, but not knowing the severity of depression I would not say just give it time. Untreated clinial depression can do a lot of damage to the brain. I would certainly not recommend giving it time unless that's what medical professionals advise.

Also, given OP's age, it is unlikely that he has the same coping mechanisms in place as say a 30-year old man would. Age and life experience changes and (hopefully) matures us in more ways than one. So, someone in their late teens or early twenties is more likely to require outside help to cope with a even a relatively mild depression in an effective way, without planting seeds of future problems at the same time.
The give himself some time comment was intended to refer solely to his desire to get back into dating, the gist of the section i quoted. I'd already mentioned needing to work on the depression and had intended to elaborate on that but had to go and do some work instead and never got around to it.
I don't ever give advice about taking antidepressants except to advise seeing a doctor, which i am not, but i did make the assumption (possibly unwarranted) that he had already been down that route since his original post said he'd suffered bouts of depression for as long as he can remember.

By the way, if anyone is interested then here's a good link on the subject...

http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk...tion/signs.htm
Last edited by gothustartus; August 7,2009 at 8:24am.
 
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fool4love628 is offline fool4love628 Post #10  August 7,2009, 10:56am
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gothustartus wrote :
The give himself some time comment was intended to refer solely to his desire to get back into dating
I agree 100%.

OP:
Relationships (in general) in life are only as good as you make them. In order to be able to have a fulfilling romantic relationship in your life, you have to cultivate the other relationships in your life - friendships, family, etc. The better those other relationships are, the more able you'll be to make a romantic relationship work when it comes along. So bolster your other relationships, get the help you need in dealing with your depression, make sure the friends you have are REAL friends that make you feel good to be around and who validate you as a person and build you up, not tear you down as some male friendships do. Once that's taken care of, you'll have room in your life for a romantic relationship. I'll tell you from experience that it's difficult to have a romantic relationship in your life when you still have work to do for yourself.
 
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