Fenwick is offline Fenwick Post #1  August 5,2009, 11:14pm
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I am in a relationship of about 9 months. I like my girlfriend very much, I care about her and want her to be happy, and all indications tell me she feels the same of me. We have not faught yet, we are both fairly busy, and both have a small social circle, so managing time has proven quite easy so far.
My parents were always fighting and argueing and rarly spent more than a couple hours without yelling at one another, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen them kiss or say 'i love you' to one another. My big problem is I have a dehabilitating fear of screwing up. I do *not* want to end up like that with my wife.
I am considering getting very serious with my girlfriend, but I am scared of making a huge mistake. Recently my friend group completely fell apart, with my best friend of a number of years telling me that he no longer has anything in common with me as I have become a 'cold and cynical man'.
I've had a small number of girlfriends, all of whome I cared about, but I feel like I don't know what love is. I don't know what things to look for or what things to do to ensure a healthy relationship that does not blow up on me.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #2  August 6,2009, 1:59am
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1. Look into reasons why your best friend think you've become a 'cold and cynical man'. ask him to talk, without fighting, listen to his reasons, realizing that he has nothing to gain from putting you down. See if you can understand where you've gone wrong. We all sometimes lose our way in life, and it usually takes a really good friend or a family member, who will confront us, instead of just giving up and walking away with the rest of the crowd, for us to understand the error of our ways. Do not be afraid to ask for help from your family and friends when you need it - it's not a weakness. In fact, it shows strength of character when people can admit that they were wrong and ask for guidance to avoid repeating the same patterns of mistakes over and over again.

Also, speak to your girlfriend during this time - I'm sure she would have picked up on your internal changes lately, and it's probaby scaring her away, even more than it does you - while you have the ability to change yourself, she has no control of the matter at all. And it would be very disturbing, for me personally, to see someone I care about change into someone I don't.

If you can't deal with the real problem behind this change in personality with the help of your family, friends and your girlfriend, then it may be necessary to see a counselor. If the problem is serious, that is usually the most efficient way to go, without wasting too much time and possbily losing all your friends and your gilfriend in the process.

This should also, hopefully, help you deal with some of your fears - I would say that a lot of them have something to do with personal uncertainty, resulting in all kinds of insecurities.

2. You need to realize that you are not your parents. You have some of their traits, and your home environment has certainly had an influence on your life and your relationships with others. However, you are now an adult, which gives you the power of choice in shaping your own life - you can adapt the practices that worked in your family, and reject those that didn't (like fighting).

The important part is while you are rejecting the practices you don't like, you do NOT reject your parents with them - they did the best they could, based on what they knew at the time. having experienced the results of their mistakes, you can learn from those mistakes and make sure you do not repeat them in your own life. You ARE in control of your life, not your biology, endocrinology or geneology.

The other importat point is for you and your girlfriend to discuss this issue openly - explain your concerns and apprehensions to her. Then work together on developing strategies for dealing with certain situations that have "blow up" potential.

I'll give you a personal example -
When I was younger, I was very impatient and quite hot-tempered. Over the years I have trained myself to do one very important thing, which I employ both in business and social interactions - when I come across something that makes me angry, just before I'm about to blast someone, I consciously calm myself down, walk away and cool off before I address the issue at hand. It was difficult at first, but it's become easier over the years. my friends, family and co-workers know very well that it's best to just leave me alone for an hour or two during those times than to try and talk to me while I'm angry - my sarcasm can wound, when I'm really angry, and cause some long term damage to the relationship. I don't see any reason to do so.

I still lose it from time to time (who said I was perfect ), but only rarely and only when the act that causes my fury is so foul that I find it difficult to control myself. Most everyday events or people do not have that affect on me any more - I've mellowed out with age and some self-training.

3. What's the alternative?
Do you not think you will be screwing up your life by letting this girl slip through your fingers and find someone else? And then the next girl after that? Fear has a tendency to grow and multiply, if left unattended. So, please go back to Point 1 and try to do something about it before your fear starts controlling your whole life, without you even realising it, and causing pain to yourself and people who care about you.

Good Luck!
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #3  August 6,2009, 3:32am
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1. When icecream talks, you listen, and listen, pick up all the gems you can!

2. everyone has some level of fear, on their conscious level or not, it's just a matter of degree, but you can decide not to let fear to rule your life and your future.

Developing the awareness of it is already a good start, at least you know what you are combating. Seeking help on places like means you've taken action to work on it, able to confront your own issues, another steps towards driving fear out of your system.

3. You are not alone on this, I think many people coming from families with dysfunctional relationship between their parents are subjected to similar level of 'fear', the more you fear, the more you don't want to 'screw up' the less likely you going to succeed because you become disabled by your fear.

People who doesn't want to get up and dance fear they will make a fool of themselves, the more they fear that, the less likely they can enjoy the dance and become a beautiful dancer. Sportsman who fear losing the match will lose the match because of their focus is on the very negatives that draws the negative outcome.

4. So focus on what type of relationship you want to build, rather than focus on what type of relationship you wish to avoid.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #4  August 6,2009, 3:36am
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Ok, i'm not an analyst so am not the least bit professionally qualified to answer this, but i am a people watcher and there was a good bit of violence in my family during my formative years, so i think i have some insights.

We learn by example, monkey see monkey do, but what do we do when that example terrifies us so badly that we want to run and hide? We either find a better way of dealing with the emotions or we bottle them up until we explode.

It's been my experience that a lot of people who were raised in violence go the bottling route, they are so terrified of flying off the handle and becoming their parents that the instant they get into a similar situation their emotions shut down.
It's damn easy to get a rep as a cold fish when anger paralyzes you, when unpleasantness and confrontation just makes you go away inside. But life is all about confrontations, confronting your own inner demons and the normal day to day challenges of a living emotional being.
Fear is a healthy emotion, it stops us from doing something really stupid or gets our hearts racing and ready when we can't avoid it, but it can become a disease if it rules you because fear would have you living in a box with no connection to anything that might hurt you.
Anger isn't a bad emotion either, it's just a strong one. Sometimes it's ok to be angry, sometimes it's necessary to be angry, catharsis has a lot to recommend it. But you have to watch anger, it can be made your servant but like fear it always wants to be your master, and it's an extremely poor one.

Listen to your friends, if they are saying you are a cold fish it is because they can't relate to your lack of response, the coldness comes across as a lack of caring, do you think your girlfriend won't have similar problems with your responses?
You've recognised your problem and that's good, but recognition isn't enough if you don't do something about it, you have to get help to work through the fear, it will cripple you until you do.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  August 6,2009, 5:35am
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[quote=happyquestion;701024]

When icecream talks, you listen, and listen, pick up all the gems you can!



Happy & Gothus didn't do too bad, either. Bottom line: You don't need me!
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #6  August 6,2009, 6:30am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
Bottom line: You don't need me!
I'm sure I've heard something about People who need People, and I don't think that was in reference to lunatics
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #7  August 6,2009, 10:51am
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I keep typing comments and erasing them, so I'm taking this as a sign that the best thing I can say is, I understand your concern and I wish you well. Please consider counseling and support groups; they can help.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #8  August 6,2009, 12:48pm
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Fenwick wrote :
with my best friend of a number of years telling me that he no longer has anything in common with me as I have become a 'cold and cynical man'.
this is interesting coming from another guy

wrote :
but I feel like I don't know what love is.
i would urge you not to get caught up in a womans definition of what love is.

women have a tendency to stand back and think that they are the *loving* ones and that men are the callous ones not realizing mens many acts of loving kindness.

most men have had this *thing* on them that says that they cant show emotion and they need to achieve and provide. this will obviously cultivate a personality or i guess a better term would be demeanor that might seem cold to some because it is not emotive. imo women need to understand that men do not express love the same way that they do. in fact many times when a man starts getting all lovey dovey with the lingo i get very skeptical. when he *does* for me i know that he probably thinks i'm someone pretty special.

men can be verbally demonstrative of loving feelings, but the key is to not pressure them into doing it appreciate them for who they are and let it be. i say all of this to say dont pressure yourself to be something you arent. you will drive yourself mad thinking that you need to be this certain something emotion man but yet quite often missing the mark. even the fact that you are asking this question tells me that you are not what your friend has told you that you are.

has your girlfriend said anything to you about this? i think in 9 months that she has probably observed the gamete of behaviors/reactions/whatever from you if she sees you regularly.

i dont have any answers here, but i do hope that i have provided a little food for thought

i wish you all the best


 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #9  August 7,2009, 1:28am
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Nanette wrote :
has your girlfriend said anything to you about this? i think in 9 months that she has probably observed the gamete of behaviors/reactions/whatever from you if she sees you regularly.
I'm sorry, i don't know if that was a typo for gamut or not but if it wasn't then i just couldn't help laughing at the appropriateness of a gamete of behaviours in men trying to have a relationship.
Last edited by gothustartus; August 7,2009 at 1:34am.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  August 7,2009, 5:29am
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gothustartus wrote :
I'm sorry, i don't know if that was a typo for gamut or not but if it wasn't then i just couldn't help laughing at the appropriateness of a gamete of behaviours in men trying to have a relationship.
ha i wish i were that clever. typo
Last edited by Nanette; August 7,2009 at 5:32am.
 
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