GSW is offline GSW Post #1  August 5,2009, 5:58am
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I have been dating a wonderful man for the past year and a half. Our relationship was progressing and we had talked about a future together. I am in the middle of the longest divorce known to mankind (3 years and counting) and have two children. He made it clear that he would not become engaged to a woman who was still married to someone else, but asked me to move in with him with the children.
I got scared about moving in with him because there was no guarantee or promise and was afraid that living with my children would make him not want to stay in the relationship. He has never married or had children. So I made up a bunch of excuses like, well, I love the neighborhood where we live, the school district is better than the one in his neighborhood, his house is kind of small and the children have a lot of stuff. But I really am in love with this man and was trying to figure out whether we could overcome all of the issues that moving the children would bring.
He immediately started pulling away and over the past three months was very distant. I started to get paranoid and afraid that he was leaving me. Long story short, he was out all night with a friend and I accused him of being up to no good. That was the end. He broke up with me.
I am devastated and wish that I could have been more open with him about my reasons for hesitating. Even after I explained them to him he said he needed to figure out what he wants out of life.
What do I do?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  August 5,2009, 1:11pm
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Give him some time. Get your divorce finalized, he's absolutely right about not wanting to get engaged to a married woman........... Sounds like you have been rejecting him in every way, not getting a timely divorce, lying about not moving in etc. You are not ready at all for a relationship. The possessive nonsense accusation, after he asked you to move in is absurd considering you are still married... He is right to get out of your rebound nonsense until you get your act together. Time waits for no one
GSW wrote :
I have been dating a wonderful man for the past year and a half. Our relationship was progressing and we had talked about a future together. I am in the middle of the longest divorce known to mankind (3 years and counting) and have two children. He made it clear that he would not become engaged to a woman who was still married to someone else, but asked me to move in with him with the children.
I got scared about moving in with him because there was no guarantee or promise and was afraid that living with my children would make him not want to stay in the relationship. He has never married or had children. So I made up a bunch of excuses like, well, I love the neighborhood where we live, the school district is better than the one in his neighborhood, his house is kind of small and the children have a lot of stuff. But I really am in love with this man and was trying to figure out whether we could overcome all of the issues that moving the children would bring.
He immediately started pulling away and over the past three months was very distant. I started to get paranoid and afraid that he was leaving me. Long story short, he was out all night with a friend and I accused him of being up to no good. That was the end. He broke up with me.
I am devastated and wish that I could have been more open with him about my reasons for hesitating. Even after I explained them to him he said he needed to figure out what he wants out of life.
What do I do?
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #3  August 5,2009, 1:20pm
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FWIW, my divorce took 4 years and 4 months to the day!

I agree with your boyfriend's reluctance to become engaged to you while you're still married. And maybe, after all the excuses you gave, he thought that you just weren't that interested, even after you were open with him. He may be very, very hurt and now have his guard up. Now, all you can do is wait it out unfortunately. If you continue to press him it may push him further away. I hope it works out for you eventually.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  August 5,2009, 4:28pm
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[quote=GSW;699656]I have been dating a wonderful man for the past year and a half. Our relationship was progressing and we had talked about a future together. I am in the middle of the longest divorce known to mankind (3 years and counting) and have two children. He made it clear that he would not become engaged to a woman who was still married to someone else, but asked me to move in with him with the children.
I got scared about moving in with him because there was no guarantee or promise and was afraid that living with my children would make him not want to stay in the relationship. He has never married or had children. So I made up a bunch of excuses like, well, I love the neighborhood where we live, the school district is better than the one in his neighborhood, his house is kind of small and the children have a lot of stuff. But I really am in love with this man and was trying to figure out whether we could overcome all of the issues that moving the children would bring.
He immediately started pulling away and over the past three months was very distant. I started to get paranoid and afraid that he was leaving me. Long story short, he was out all night with a friend and I accused him of being up to no good. That was the end. He broke up with me.
I am devastated and wish that I could have been more open with him about my reasons for hesitating. Even after I explained them to him he said he needed to figure out what he wants out of life.
What do I do?[/quote]

Chalk it up and move on. Wait till your divorce is final to date again. Dont beat yourself up over it. And dont accuse a man of ill will when he is pulling away from you. Actually dont ever do that. I think he had the best of intentions toward you. He is equally culpable in that he decided to get involved with you though. Never get involved with someone in the process of a divorce is my motto and I'm stickin by it.


 
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Genie57 is offline Genie57 Post #5  August 5,2009, 4:28pm
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GSW wrote :
I got scared about moving in with him because there was no guarantee or promise and was afraid that living with my children would make him not want to stay in the relationship.
I was more disturbed by your comment that you were afraid that living with your kids would make him not want to stay in the relationship than anything else that you said. If you're afraid that having your kids living with him would be an issue for him then why in the world do you want to be with him? Am I missing something?
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #6  August 5,2009, 4:49pm
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[quote=Genie57;700331]
I was more disturbed by your comment that you were afraid that living with your kids would make him not want to stay in the relationship than anything else that you said. If you're afraid that having your kids living with him would be an issue for him then why in the world do you want to be with him? Am I missing something?




I'm wondering the same thing. I'm also wondering why any woman would move kids in with a man prior to any marriage. That's just not right.
 
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Mainah64 is offline Mainah64 Post #7  August 5,2009, 4:50pm
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Was he your rebound relationship?

I am suprised that you had difficulty seeing things from his point of view. You are still married and seem to expect an engagement?

I don't get involved with anyone that is recently divorced nevermind still married. Get the divorce finalized before you start another relationship. It really does make a difference in one's emotional state and availability.

Took me over 2 1/2 years to finalize my expensive and contentious divorce and yes, I had my rebound and got hurt.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #8  August 5,2009, 5:24pm
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You're getting good advice here. If I may repeat some and add to it...
1. Finalize your divorce. You really aren't ready to be in a relationship with anyone until it's DONE. You might think you are, but once it really is done you're realize this advice is spot-on.
2. Never, never, NEVER consider a permanent relationship with someone who does not love the ENTIRE package that you are... and that includes your kids. Your primary job is their mom and you need to take that role seriously. You can do much permanent damage to your kids and your relationship with them if you do not. Always put their interests first, over your relationship with ANY new man. If a man does not accept and love your kids... that needs to be a dealbreaker for you. No exceptions.
3. Your home is your kids' HOME. Don't uproot them to move in with a guy... any guy... especially at the stage you're in! Remember, your primary job is MOM and the base of that job is to give your kids roots and wings. Right now they need roots. Make sure they're getting that.
4. I know it hurts to lose a guy you love... but fate has a way of showing us who's not really right for us. Better you found that out now than after moving you and your kids in with him!!!
5. You said you were scared of moving in with him because there was no guarantee of a future with him. Your fear has been proven true! Be glad you followed your gut and didn't move in with him. Remember, though... life holds NO guarantees except that you will always be your children's mother, so put that relationship first. You won't regret it.
6. If this guy comes back around and you get back together with him... DO NOT FORGET POINTS 1-5. Don't rush to move in with him just to save the relationship.
 
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Genie57 is offline Genie57 Post #9  August 5,2009, 6:59pm
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The main reason I did not date after my divorce was because of my children. About a year and a half after my divorce I tried dating. But it just was not working out for me. It was not that the men did not accept my children - they knew before-hand that my children were part of the package. Also my children were small and they were just not ready. So I stopped trying. They are the most important things to me. It's been a long time now so they are saying "date, date!" It was worth the wait and my children were comfortable and turned out great!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  August 6,2009, 9:56am
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Genie57 wrote :
I was more disturbed by your comment that you were afraid that living with your kids would make him not want to stay in the relationship than anything else that you said. If you're afraid that having your kids living with him would be an issue for him then why in the world do you want to be with him? Am I missing something?
[quote=j0hn8andy;700359]
Genie57 wrote :
I was more disturbed by your comment that you were afraid that living with your kids would make him not want to stay in the relationship than anything else that you said. If you're afraid that having your kids living with him would be an issue for him then why in the world do you want to be with him? Am I missing something?




I'm wondering the same thing. I'm also wondering why any woman would move kids in with a man prior to any marriage. That's just not right.
I was wondering that also.

Happens everyday we are just older and have a different value system.
 
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