7 year fling......Could it ever be more???


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untamedstang04 is offline untamedstang04 Post #1  August 2,2009, 10:06pm
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OK....So,I have this guy friend that Ive known for all most as long as I can remember and we've been in a "friends with benefits" relationship for the past 7 years on and off. The relationship started while I was in college and is still going on today, through 7 years and many broken/bad relationships between the both of us, we've somehow managed to keep this relationship or lack there of going, I know that he has been unfaithful with a few of his past girlfriends and 2 ex-fiance's one of which was his baby's mom, with me. And, somehow I always find my way back to him, Ive even cheated on all but 2 of my ex's including my baby's father with him, and he has never hidden the fact that he was dating someone else or that he would always be there if I needed "something", nor has he acted like he cared that I was dating someone else. Recently, we have started talking again on an almost nightly basis by IM or texting, our conversations almost always relate back to sex and, he sometimes makes comments that I take as remotely flirty or directed at something in our past that has happened between us that I never expected that he would remember. That being said, I've had more than "friends with benefits" feelings for quite some time now, they actually started about 2 yrs. after the "relationship" began, and I don't know if I should even mention them too him. I've always known that the relationship was pretty much what it was "friends with benefits" and I never really thought that I was the type of girl that he was into for a exclusive relationship, as I didn't have a thing in common with the 2 girls that he was engaged to. He has even mentioned in our conversations that the reason that he couldn't find a suitable girlfriend is because he can't find someone that is good with his son and is accepting of him being gone to work a lot of the time, I love his son as much as I do him and I don't mind that he is gone most of the time but, I would have some reservations about him being faithful as I know his history, and I would pray that the adage "once a cheater, always a cheater" wouldn't be true. I would love too tell him how I feel but, I figure that if this has went on for 7 years and he hasn't said anything about it becoming more, then he probably doesn't want anything more, unless he thinks that is what I want, I don't think that I have ever given him any idea that I wanted anything more than that. I'm scared that If I tell him my feelings that I will loose what little bit of a relationship I have with him now, or worse his friendship. Any recommendations ??
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #2  August 2,2009, 10:42pm
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Sorry to be blunt, but I fail to see anything to be possitive about in your situation.

1. I'm not one for definitions, but I like to call a spade a spade when I see it - what you've had is a 7-year affair with this man, not a friends with benefits arrangement (which I interpret as two single people in an uncommitted relationship with each other). You've both been in relationships with other people and chose to cheat on your partners - I see nothing friendly about this scenario at all. Friends (with or without benefits) are supposed to support each other, not lure each other in with temptation of the "forbidden fruit" variety.

2. If you really had strong feelings for each other, you would have found a way to be together at some stage over the past 7 years of cheating, and breaking relationships and hearts of other people. The fact that you didn't is a very strong indicator that there is nothing there worth pursuing.

3. Why would you ever want a little bit of a relationship? What is that going to do to your own self-image to know that you are not worthy of a fully committed relationship with a man?

4. Your relationship as it stands is neither here nor there - you are neither a friend nor a partner. There is no stability for either of you. And I'm not even sure that he even wants stability at all. But if he is a decent father to his child, he should! Children do not deal well with instability or with significant adult figures walking in and out of their lives. Their fragile minds imagine a lot, and sometimes even assign themselves with guilt where none exists. It is certainly not worth taking this risk for a relationship that has no chance of working out, at least in my humble opinion.

5. I would recommend you get out of this situation as soon as possible. It's doing nothing good for either of you, and it's risking his child's emotional well-being in the process. Be a better woman, for yourself, as well as for him and his child, and walk away. Take some time to rediscover who you are as a person and how you deserve to be treated, by yoursef and by other people in your life. If necessary, get some counseling for yourself. Find some peace within yourself and your own life before you consider entering a relationship with another man.

Good Luck!
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #3  August 2,2009, 11:17pm
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why not put it out there? but with total, self-contained honesty. as in: "i would like to get married/take a relationship to the next level/fill-in-blank-with similar. is that something you would consider doing with me? think about it." then give the man real time to acclimate to the idea. not seconds, minutes or a couple of days. give him real time with no strings attached, either for you or him.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  August 3,2009, 6:00am
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He a womanizer........... You will never get anything more than a fun sex-life on and off with this guy. If that's what you want, that's what you have....... The down side is, while you are wasting your time with this womanizer, many Mr. Rights are passing you by........
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #5  August 3,2009, 7:45am
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Wow...I agree. Be a better woman. I would never seek exclusivity with a "jump-off."
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  August 3,2009, 7:58am
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if he hasnt mentioned taking it to the next level hes not interested in doing so

you have been far too available and accommodating for far too long. get out and meet a guy who thinks of you as a goddess. hes out there
 
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Daise is offline Daise Post #7  August 3,2009, 10:04am
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I too am involved in a similar relationship and have been for 4 years. It is on and off again type thing where he dictates the timing of everything. Not healthy at all and I have now realized I MUST move on for my own sanity. It is a waste of my precious time and yours and it is far to precious too give up for a so so sort of guy. I just plain out realized that he was just not that into me. I think for all those years I had this insidious hope it would become something more and literally clung to that suffering from a case of low self esteem. You could choose to talk it out with him, but these types have a way of beating around the bush and end up never really committing to anything. In my situation, I just dropped the ball no communication what so ever, just like he used to, and it felt kind of good to give him a taste of his own medicine.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #8  August 3,2009, 4:16pm
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[quote=Nanette;697284]if he hasnt mentioned taking it to the next level hes not interested in doing so

Try to remember that men always know what kind of relationship they want to have with a woman. They size us up and categorize us very quickly. That is just their nature.

you have been far too available and accommodating for far too long. get out and meet a guy who thinks of you as a goddess. hes out there

You have made yourself way too available and accommodating to him. You are not even in the "friends with benefits" category. You have been downgraded to a booty call. The next time you get together with him, (if you just can't resist taking his call), try not having sex with him and see what happens. His reaction will tell you exactly how he feels. When he calls tell him you would love to see him but maybe meet for coffee or a drink...something innocent. Drive your own car and do not get in a situation where you are alone with him.

My understanding of "friends with benefits" starts off as a real, true friend first. When the sex part ends you are still friends and you can overlook all that non-sense as you each go into separate, real relationships. I have never seen a "friends with benefits" relationship get upgraded to a real committed relationship. Never, sorry. The two people involved usually move on and in most cases they can't even remain friends because one or the other tends to get a little more emotionally involved.

Get out now while you can! Good luck.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #9  August 3,2009, 5:13pm
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I agree with almost everything every poster has said with the exception of the one who said to just put it out there. I guess you could if you wanted to, but 7 years!!!! Like the other posters said, He's got you exactly where he wants you.

I suggest reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You". And I don't recommend self-help books lightly!
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #10  August 3,2009, 9:38pm
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TiffanyDiamond wrote :
When he calls tell him you would love to see him but maybe meet for coffee or a drink...something innocent. Drive your own car and do not get in a situation where you are alone with him.

My understanding of "friends with benefits" starts off as a real, true friend first. When the sex part ends you are still friends and you can overlook all that non-sense as you each go into separate, real relationships. I have never seen a "friends with benefits" relationship get upgraded to a real committed relationship. Never, sorry. The two people involved usually move on and in most cases they can't even remain friends because one or the other tends to get a little more emotionally involved.

Get out now while you can! Good luck.
^^Well said. Asking to upgrade the relationship this late in the game violates the "friends with benefits" code of ethics.
 
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