trustjcmore is offline trustjcmore Post #1  August 2,2009, 6:05pm
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My boyfriend and I have been dating more than 2 years. I've started to realize that his personality is the type that is always busy and always getting involved in activities. I'm more laidback, and enjoy time at home. He says he'll try to change, but is that unfair?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  August 2,2009, 6:15pm
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It is unfair to expect him to; it is reasonable to ask for some accommodations to keep a relationship intact (which seems to have worked for both of you for two years.)
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #3  August 2,2009, 6:27pm
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trustjcmore wrote :
My boyfriend and I have been dating more than 2 years. I've started to realize that his personality is the type that is always busy and always getting involved in activities. I'm more laidback, and enjoy time at home. He says he'll try to change, but is that unfair?
You want your BF to be more sedentary and low-key? If this isn't his personality type, yes it's unfair. You either grow together or you grow apart.

Does he include you in any of these activities?
Last edited by MCMLXXII; August 2,2009 at 6:31pm.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  August 2,2009, 6:29pm
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How old are both of you?

If you're in your twenties, this is the first sign that this relationship has run its course.
 
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PhotoSavy is offline PhotoSavy Post #5  August 2,2009, 6:39pm
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Relationships are give and take. Be sure to go out and enjoy times with him, and let him know how much you appreciate the times when he does stay home with you.
 
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trustjcmore is offline trustjcmore Post #6  August 2,2009, 6:54pm
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Just to clarify a bit, it's not that I want him to be more sedentary or lazy, and I like going out with him when it's with a smaller group. We do a lot together, but I enjoy doing things with closer friends.

One of the issues I have brought up with him is that he always needs to check his email, make phone calls, texts, etc. It feels like his attention is not always there.

He has events to attend, where he's always the social butterfly and I have to try to make small talk with each new stranger I meet. I'm more introverted, so I have to push myself to be more outgoing. Even though it's silly to say this, and I know it's not true, sometimes it feels like I'm just an accessory that he wants to bring along to look good. After two years of this, I usually don't attend the events unless it's important to him that I'm there.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  August 2,2009, 7:55pm
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trustjcmore wrote :
One of the issues I have brought up with him is that he always needs to check his email, make phone calls, texts, etc. It feels like his attention is not always there.
Is he not really 'present' when he's with you?
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #8  August 2,2009, 8:30pm
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He has events to attend,

Events related to work or to social get-togethers or both? It is unfair to expect him to change and become--or try to become--someone he is not. I am the kind of person who likes to be on the go a lot of the time. While I don't mind and even enjoy some times at home with my BF, I would be extremely unhappy if he asked me to change and not go out anymore. Fortunately, he has the same type of personality and that isn't likely to happen.

If you feel strongly about him, you both need to work on some compromise so that you are both satisfied with your relationship.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #9  August 2,2009, 8:58pm
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trustjcmore wrote :
My boyfriend and I have been dating more than 2 years. I've started to realize that his personality is the type that is always busy and always getting involved in activities. I'm more laidback, and enjoy time at home. He says he'll try to change, but is that unfair?
I'm wondering why, after more than two years, you're just now noticing this? Has he not always been this way, or has he become increasingly busy as your relationship evolved?

In all honesty, I think it is unfair to expect a person to change to better suit you. People are the way they wish to be. Just as you choose to be more laid back and choose to spend more time at home, he chooses to fill his day with more activities. This suits your individual personalities and the types of people you are. How would you feel if he asked you to change for him? Would you consider that to be fair or warranted?

My concern in this situation would be if his increase in activities is leading to a decrease in time spent with you. Is the increased activity level being used to avoid stresses and strains in the relationship? Does he use his activities as excuses to get out of doing things that you have planned together? Are these activities putting a wedge between you? Or is it that you are just two different personality types? This isn't necessarily a negative thing--I know several people with very successful marriages who are this way--a relationship doesn't have to mean joined at the hip 24/7.

I don't know if my thoughts have done/will do you any good, but I do wish you much luck and happiness with your relationship.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #10  August 2,2009, 8:58pm
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[quote=trustjcmore;696830]
One of the issues I have brought up with him is that he always needs to check his email, make phone calls, texts, etc. It feels like his attention is not always there.

He has events to attend, where he's always the social butterfly and I have to try to make small talk with each new stranger I meet. I'm more introverted, so I have to push myself to be more outgoing. Even though it's silly to say this, and I know it's not true, sometimes it feels like I'm just an accessory that he wants to bring along to look good. After two years of this, I usually don't attend the events unless it's important to him that I'm there.




We are who we are. Each of us.

It does sound as if you don't have his full attention. Are you happy with the parts of him you get? I hate to say I'm thinking not.

It also sounds to me like you are being put in situations where you are not really comfortable, and you're pretty much left to fend for yourself once you're there.

If it were me, I'd be taking a look at if I really want this, I'm sorry to say.
 
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