outside2009 is offline outside2009 Post #1  July 27,2009, 4:23pm
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I am in my 50's dating someone who has never been married - he is in his 50's. I am divorced with children. This guy is so compatible with me - loves to cook, garden, travel, take walks, read...we have such great times when we are together.

However, I dont know if this relationship will go further than just great companions. We've been dating six months and he hasn't said I love you. He has trouble making decisions and is a perfectionist. He wants his house to be just a certain way with everything in place - if I drop a towel on the floor, he follows me around picking things up - I dropped a hand towel while I was drying my hands and he took it to the laundry immediately, not looking very happy. At first, this wasn't a big deal but now I see it interferes with how we spend time together. Yet, even though he is somewhat obsessive about cleanliness, his house is cluttered. He has piles of old papers all over, boxes, etc. He doesn't seem emotionally available to me at times (not saying he misses me) but then other times he does (tells me I am beautiful).

When I call, he often doesn't answer - he waits and calls me back later, sometimes the next day, even when he hears me call. I don't understand that. When I ask about our relationship and why he doesn't call or if I ask if something is wrong, he gets very upset - goes all silent. He says it drives him crazy when I ask those things.

Well, not sure what to do. Here is what I am thinking - what do you think? What if I pulled back - didn't call so much, was shorter on the phone, not as available. Maybe I would see how interested he was. Not sure what to do - any ideas?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  July 28,2009, 9:44am
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Well...I think you need to start looking more objectively at your relationship. Does he meet your needs? The bad sides - can you really live with them? The whole thing about following you around and picking things up, looking irritated when something you've done is not righ in his eyes - could you really live like that and be happy? Instead of worrying about him, stop for a moment and worry about yourself and what you need and want out of a relationship and whether he truly meets all that or perhaps not so much and it's best to part company and find someone better. If you enjoy the hobbies - would it be possible to just downgrade to being friends?
 
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Bearwolf102 is offline Bearwolf102 Post #3  July 28,2009, 9:50am
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He sounds like he is a very angry person who may not be capable of shareing the kind of careing feelings you are looking for. I also want to point out that it is ok for him to have a cluttered house but not ok for you to drop your towel....If he is unwilling to talk to you and more importantly gets angry when you need to talk about something that is bothering or even hurting you...I think you should back way off or find someone else.

You need someone who can be emotionaly there with you. If you can't even talk about communication how are you going to live life togeather...?

Good luck,
Bearwolf102
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  July 28,2009, 5:30pm
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outside2009 wrote :
What if I pulled back - didn't call so much, was shorter on the phone, not as available. Maybe I would see how interested he was. Not sure what to do - any ideas?

I would not play a game like this. Calling less sounds like a good idea, but I would not fool around with your availability – I take that as an invitation to get a new partner.
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kittencaboodle is offline kittencaboodle Post #5  July 28,2009, 6:23pm
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I think that if he can't talk to you about your relationship in this stage then how are you going to talk about imortant things in the future. Personally, I would be afraid that him not wanting to talk to you means that he may not be taking your feeling into account. I agree, that you should think about your needs and how you guys would get along just like things are now, because most of the time people do not change. I think when you go into a relationship thinking that someone else is going to change for you, your almost always making a mistake.
 
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CJF is offline CJF Post #6  July 28,2009, 7:09pm
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He's in his 50's and never been married. I imagine he is very used to being alone and having things "just so". He seems a bit selfish and everything is about him.

You need to ask yourself if your needs are being met here. I agree that this relationship will unlikely go beyond being companions. Is that what you really want?

I would take a step back and think about what it really is you want from a partner. This guy probably isn't it.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  July 28,2009, 10:27pm
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His personality disorder (Obsessive-Compulsive) is why he never married, his behavior is obvious to you and most likely others saw it and ran. He may be nice and need love but he has a serious personality disorder issue.
outside2009 wrote :
I am in my 50's dating someone who has never been married - he is in his 50's. I am divorced with children. This guy is so compatible with me - loves to cook, garden, travel, take walks, read...we have such great times when we are together.
However, I dont know if this relationship will go further than just great companions. We've been dating six months and he hasn't said I love you. He has trouble making decisions and is a perfectionist. He wants his house to be just a certain way with everything in place - if I drop a towel on the floor, he follows me around picking things up - I dropped a hand towel while I was drying my hands and he took it to the laundry immediately, not looking very happy. At first, this wasn't a big deal but now I see it interferes with how we spend time together. Yet, even though he is somewhat obsessive about cleanliness, his house is cluttered. He has piles of old papers all over, boxes, etc. He doesn't seem emotionally available to me at times (not saying he misses me) but then other times he does (tells me I am beautiful).
When I call, he often doesn't answer - he waits and calls me back later, sometimes the next day, even when he hears me call. I don't understand that. When I ask about our relationship and why he doesn't call or if I ask if something is wrong, he gets very upset - goes all silent. He says it drives him crazy when I ask those things.
Well, not sure what to do. Here is what I am thinking - what do you think? What if I pulled back - didn't call so much, was shorter on the phone, not as available. Maybe I would see how interested he was. Not sure what to do - any ideas?
Last edited by Wiseman2; July 29,2009 at 6:26am.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #8  July 28,2009, 10:42pm
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He sounds like a cross between my last long-term boyfriend and a long-time platonic guy friend of mine... the first one in his 50s and the second early 60s.

YES! He is too set in his ways to open up his life to a real relationship with you, especially since you have kids. Don't try to force this... if you do he will drive you and your kids completely batty. It's not worth it. You could never share a household with him... not with his "standards" of cleanliness.

My advice: Move on. Quit calling him. A guy like this is a better friend than boyfriend.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #9  July 28,2009, 11:10pm
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my boyfriend is something like that. he's a little off. i'm quite looking forward to the movie *adam*, haha, because of it.

but anyways, i'm stepping out with a guy who's off because he knows he's a little off.

the question is, IMHO, can you come to a suitable arrangement?
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #10  July 29,2009, 12:19am
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outside2009 wrote :
I am in my 50's dating someone who has never been married - he is in his 50's. I am divorced with children. This guy is so compatible with me - loves to cook, garden, travel, take walks, read...we have such great times when we are together.

However, I dont know if this relationship will go further than just great companions. We've been dating six months and he hasn't said I love you. He has trouble making decisions and is a perfectionist. He wants his house to be just a certain way with everything in place - if I drop a towel on the floor, he follows me around picking things up - I dropped a hand towel while I was drying my hands and he took it to the laundry immediately, not looking very happy. At first, this wasn't a big deal but now I see it interferes with how we spend time together. Yet, even though he is somewhat obsessive about cleanliness, his house is cluttered. He has piles of old papers all over, boxes, etc. He doesn't seem emotionally available to me at times (not saying he misses me) but then other times he does (tells me I am beautiful).

When I call, he often doesn't answer - he waits and calls me back later, sometimes the next day, even when he hears me call. I don't understand that. When I ask about our relationship and why he doesn't call or if I ask if something is wrong, he gets very upset - goes all silent. He says it drives him crazy when I ask those things.

Well, not sure what to do. Here is what I am thinking - what do you think? What if I pulled back - didn't call so much, was shorter on the phone, not as available. Maybe I would see how interested he was. Not sure what to do - any ideas?

Ok, it's been 6 months and he hasn't said he loves you...
What is the magical number...2 weeks; a few months...a year? 6 months doesn't sound too unreasonable.

I do have to side with him regarding someone not hanging up a towel and throwing it on the floor; as I hate the smell of mildew.

I can't really assess the relationship with the info you stated. I however would not purposely make yourself less available to check his level of interest; as it seems too passive aggressive.
 
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