Are men as daft as they sometimes seem?


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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #1  July 27,2009, 12:12pm
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Maybe this should be under "about you" - who knows.... My friend - male, only 46 and a beautiful soul - just died from Swine flu. Last Wednesday we had icecream and cigs and hung out together. The guy i'm seeing is obsessed with me getting swabbed/tested. He's made phone calls to nurses at hospitals and looked up all the NIH reports online to provide me with information. He seem oblivious to the fact that someone i love just died very unexpectantly. On the one hand, he's being very helpful and thoughtful. On the other hand he is being truly clueless and insensitive. What gives?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  July 27,2009, 12:37pm
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Actually it is rather contagious, so what makes his concern "clueless and insensitive" . I'm sure he gets that you liked your friend and that he died.It was not his best friend, so sympathy is all he can offer you, but being concerned with infectious disease, especially when lethal, I would not refer to as "daft". Maybe he doesn't want you to get it or get it from you. Who is really being a little careless and daft here?
soawesome wrote :
Maybe this should be under "about you" - who knows.... My friend - male, only 46 and a beautiful soul - just died from Swine flu. Last Wednesday we had ice cream and cigs and hung out together. The guy I'm seeing is obsessed with me getting swabbed/tested. He's made phone calls to nurses at hospitals and looked up all the NIH reports online to provide me with information. He seem oblivious to the fact that someone i love just died very unexpectedly. On the one hand, he's being very helpful and thoughtful. On the other hand he is being truly clueless and insensitive. What gives?
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #3  July 27,2009, 1:06pm
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soawesome wrote :
Maybe this should be under "about you" - who knows.... My friend - male, only 46 and a beautiful soul - just died from Swine flu. Last Wednesday we had icecream and cigs and hung out together. The guy i'm seeing is obsessed with me getting swabbed/tested. He's made phone calls to nurses at hospitals and looked up all the NIH reports online to provide me with information. He seem oblivious to the fact that someone i love just died very unexpectantly. On the one hand, he's being very helpful and thoughtful. On the other hand he is being truly clueless and insensitive. What gives?
I am terribly sorry for your loss. Losing a close friend is never easy, and it's especially difficult when it is unexpected.

While I feel that there are more sensitive ways to go about handling this, I'm sure the reasons behind his actions are out of genuine affection and concern for your well-being. Some people don't know how to handle death, and they react in the only way they know how to--for him, it seems that is in protecting you in the only way he can right now. I'm sure he is upset that you are hurting, and he's probably equally upset for your loss, but he may not know how to deal with that or how to help you with that, so he's doing what he does know how to do. Rest assured that he does care, even if he is not showing it in the way that you wish he would.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #4  July 27,2009, 2:27pm
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Sorry for your loss.

Yeah, sometimes guys can't see the forest for the trees. He's either worried about you or scared to death you'll give it to him. Some people (my cousin for example) live in fear of every germ for some reason. Maybe he's like that.
 
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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #5  July 27,2009, 3:53pm
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Thank you for the expressions of sympathy. As I mentioned, he was a beautiful soul and i am sort of reeling a bit from the loss.

Wiseman, i'm sure your heart is in the right place, but i am not oblivious to the infectious disease aspect of this situation. My guy on the other hand, seems to be oblivious to the grief and loss aspect and that is what i was inquiring about.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #6  July 27,2009, 4:34pm
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So Awesome, my husband died last Oct. I can't tell you the number of people who told me they know just how I feel because they lost their mother, or second cousin, or next door neighbor.

People don't know what to say. They mean well; they just go about it wrong. We all have our faults. You have discovered one of his. It doesn't mean he doesn't feel for you---rather, he probably feels helpless. He wants to help, and this is all he can think to do.

I'm really sorry about your friend. I know it hurts. Death is so terribly final...Most people just can't understand until it happens to them with somebody they love.

Be well, Awesome.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  July 27,2009, 4:52pm
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I see this as mainly a case of whether you’re on a similar emotional wavelength as your partner (which it appears you are not.)
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #8  July 27,2009, 6:05pm
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First of all, I'm really sorry you had to go through this. 46 is still pretty young, and it sounds like you two were close. It's not easy losing someone like that.

About the boyfriend. Don't be so mad at him. His intentions are probably very good. I'm sure I'll get stoned for saying this, but most guys are Fixers and not usually good at listening to venting without jumping into action. He sees that there are a couple of problems in front of him, and the one he can clearly fix is to protect you from getting sick as well. He probably thinks there isn't much he can do about your emotions. Combination of being a guy and believing what our culture has told him.

He's doing what he thinks is right by trying to protect you. Admittedly, it may not be what you want or think you need, but he's doing what he believes needs to be done to take care of you.

Let him.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #9  July 27,2009, 7:27pm
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chawks64 wrote :
First of all, I'm really sorry you had to go through this. 46 is still pretty young, and it sounds like you two were close. It's not easy losing someone like that.

About the boyfriend. Don't be so mad at him. His intentions are probably very good. I'm sure I'll get stoned for saying this, but most guys are Fixers and not usually good at listening to venting without jumping into action. He sees that there are a couple of problems in front of him, and the one he can clearly fix is to protect you from getting sick as well. He probably thinks there isn't much he can do about your emotions. Combination of being a guy and believing what our culture has told him.

He's doing what he thinks is right by trying to protect you. Admittedly, it may not be what you want or think you need, but he's doing what he believes needs to be done to take care of you.

Let him.
I'm not going to stone you, chawks! This is exactly what I was thinking. This may be his way of showing his love--by trying to protect the one he cares about in the only way he knows how.
 
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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #10  July 28,2009, 12:23pm
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Soawesome thinks all you guys are wise and wonderful and she is grateful for you and your feedback! God bless!
 
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