The difference of saying "I Love you" makes


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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #1  July 27,2009, 5:50am
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For you wise people out there, I'd appreciate your input on this one.

I'm not the type to start saying ILU in the first few weeks/months of dating, I've been very careful (if not overly careful) with using the big L, only wanting to express it when i truly felt it.

I have felt/said it before when i'm in love, with my each new relationship the "awareness period" tend to get longer (don't know if this is a normal or a good thing). During the period that I have not verbally expressed my love, much of my actions would still have been a strong indication of my feelings for my partner.

What i want to know is that from a woman's pov, is there a big difference between not hearing ILU in a stable relationship even if you 'know' he loves you through his actions, and when ILU is said.

Any relationship scenarios that no verbal expression of ILU caused huge issues that was very quickly addressed by the verbal expression of ILU?

I'm not trying to fix a not working relationship with "ILU", I would like to know if not saying "ILU" could contribute to some potential problems.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  July 27,2009, 7:47am
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Good not to over use this. There are people who say "love ya" to everyone, or "I just love cars" it can become meaningless or sound like a playboy ploy if handed out like candy. However, withholding saying this in an overly metered , cautious way , when you truly feel it, can be stingy or cowardly, or worse, she feels you don't care
happyquestion wrote :
For you wise people out there, I'd appreciate your input on this one.

I'm not the type to start saying ILU in the first few weeks/months of dating, I've been very careful (if not overly careful) with using the big L, only wanting to express it when i truly felt it.

I have felt/said it before when i'm in love, with my each new relationship the "awareness period" tend to get longer (don't know if this is a normal or a good thing). During the period that I have not verbally expressed my love, much of my actions would still have been a strong indication of my feelings for my partner.

What i want to know is that from a woman's pov, is there a big difference between not hearing ILU in a stable relationship even if you 'know' he loves you through his actions, and when ILU is said.

Any relationship scenarios that no verbal expression of ILU caused huge issues that was very quickly addressed by the verbal expression of ILU?

I'm not trying to fix a not working relationship with "ILU", I would like to know if not saying "ILU" could contribute to some potential problems.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  July 27,2009, 9:14am
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If you feel it and your actions speak it, then there is no reason to withold the words.

Actions are great, but if the words do not come, at some point she'll begin to wonder and on a subconsious level start to withdraw from the relationship to protect herself. After all we can't read minds and verbal affirmation of your actions matters.

The problem with something like that is that she may wake up one day and realize that she just does not care about you anymore and it's time to move on, because she's been put in a place where she has to guess from your actions what you truly feel. Women love security and hate feeling insecure or unsafe in a relationship.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #4  July 27,2009, 10:58am
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Saying "I love you," makes a difference, but only if you really mean it. As DancingFool pointed out, if your actions show it, and if you feel it, then say it! However, you don't want to overdo it, either, for when the words are said constantly they start to lose their meaning.

You have to do things in a time that is right for you. Saying that you love someone because you think you probably do, and because you think it's something you think your SO may want to hear at a certain point in a relationship really isn't a good way to go. While security is something that we all desire in a relationship, I'd rather hear the words when they are truly felt, and not because it's the supposed "right time" to say such a thing.

At the same time, if it's clear that someone loves me through his actions and he's still not saying the words, I'm going to start to wonder about things, and not just whether or not he loves me. If he can't verbalize something positive and important like that, then I'm going to wonder if he can communicate about other important things, too, especially in the not so great times when people tend to withdraw into themselves.

I hope this helps!
 
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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #5  July 27,2009, 11:42am
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DancingFool wrote :
If you feel it and your actions speak it, then there is no reason to withold the words.

Actions are great, but if the words do not come, at some point she'll begin to wonder and on a subconsious level start to withdraw from the relationship to protect herself. After all we can't read minds and verbal affirmation of your actions matters.

The problem with something like that is that she may wake up one day and realize that she just does not care about you anymore and it's time to move on, because she's been put in a place where she has to guess from your actions what you truly feel. Women love security and hate feeling insecure or unsafe in a relationship.
Amen!! OP - please read and re-read Dancing's reply! Did I say Amen!
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #6  July 27,2009, 11:42am
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Ok i'm not a woman so this isn't a female point of view but man, how can you even ask how important those three little words are? How come you can't even bring yourself to write them here and use ILU instead?!?
It's understandable if past relationships have made you more wary about verbalising your emotions but man, you really and i mean *really* need to work on getting past that. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship, your partner needs to *know* they are important to you, not just suspect it. If you're not communicating your feelings then christ knows what they are reading into whatever you are communicating. Standoffishness... Shyness... Social ineptness...
No matter how much you show someone that you love them with gifts or smiles or whatever it is that you're doing, it's important to tell them too. Yes too many people overdo it, they use it to end arguments or because they have run out of conversation and think the emotional nuke will win the war. If you don't mean it then it's just verbal flatulence, but if you feel it enough to show it in the things you do then voice it already, she's probably thinking there must be something wrong with her that you're just not that interested.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #7  July 27,2009, 11:55am
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Isn't one of the things that people in successful relationships do is tell each other "I love you" every day? I remember reading that recently...
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #8  July 27,2009, 3:28pm
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I LOVE YOU, to all you people responded not to abuse the words, yes i do appreciate your feedback.

DancingFool, very well said in your reply about positive verbal affirmation to back up the action to avoid the "mind reading" game.

gothustartus you have point out some very good observation, thank you!

Reflecting on my past, i think it is also in my upbringing, I've never heard/seen my parents say such to each other, or to us, this vocab doesn't exist in the family dictionary affection is not shown with "I Love You" but rather some other indirect way. In my past relationships, although i can come to a point to say "I Love You" it always seems to be a long journey to get there. I have a lot of introspection to do i guess.

Ladies out there (guys welcome to answer too ) how long have you waited or are you willing to wait in a relationship for "I Love You" when the guy seems to take too long?
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  July 27,2009, 4:13pm
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Well, I'm going to be the odd man (woman!) out. I'm speaking from my own experience here.

When I was younger (until my early 40s when I met my second husband) I equated the man saying the words as being equal to how much he loved me. I believe that had more to do with my own feelings of insecurity than anything else.

I don't know that my second husband told me every day. But he put me first from day one, and I always knew it. Every thing he did was for me. Every single thing. I was more important to him than even his own life. And I knew that, too. He would have given everything he had to make me happy.

So if you wrap it in a big enough blanket, it is possible for her to know without being told constantly. But that blanket has to be all-encompassing.

My husband died, otherwise I'd still be there. But I can still feel that love. I think if he could see me now, starting again without him, he would be my biggest fan, cheering me on!
 
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trackstar is offline trackstar Post #10  July 28,2009, 9:01am
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I don't need to hear "I love you" to know that it's true or to feel secure in a relationship. Actions mean so much more to me. Anybody can tumble out an "I love you." Why should that spoken phrase be the pinnacle of romantic expression? To find someone who can really show how they feel? That is special. And I don't mean with gifts or treating me like a freaking princess. Not to get all mushy, but it's the random kiss on the forehead type stuff that says it all. So, I can wait a long time. As long as he's okay with hearing it from me :-)
 
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