How do I let him down gently?


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winter1 is offline winter1 Post #1  July 26,2009, 12:18pm
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Hi, hope you can help with this one:

I met this guy on a dating site, we met last week for the first time for a drink. The date went okay, we have a lot in common. Two days later he asks me out again and we arrange to meet up at the weekend. In the meantime he asks me out to theatre and books tickets a week in advance and has asked me to attend another event a few weeks from now. During the week we speak on the phone regularly and text each other.
When we went out on Saturday I realised that he's really nice, loads in common but there's no spark, no attraction on my side. I get the impression he really is into me and feel like he's booked ahead all these events so as to keep my attention.

I like him, but don't want to feel that I have to give this guy a 'return on his investment' through sex or affection as I don't feel any chemistry.
I am planning to cancel going to the theatre this week and blame it on work (he knows that I am just about to start a new job), just so that I don't lead him on. I'm new to this dating stuff but think it's mean to continue if I don't feel anything.... What should I do?
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #2  July 26,2009, 2:43pm
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winter1 wrote :
Hi, hope you can help with this one:

I met this guy on a dating site, we met last week for the first time for a drink. The date went okay, we have a lot in common. Two days later he asks me out again and we arrange to meet up at the weekend. In the meantime he asks me out to theatre and books tickets a week in advance and has asked me to attend another event a few weeks from now. During the week we speak on the phone regularly and text each other.
When we went out on Saturday I realised that he's really nice, loads in common but there's no spark, no attraction on my side. I get the impression he really is into me and feel like he's booked ahead all these events so as to keep my attention.

I like him, but don't want to feel that I have to give this guy a 'return on his investment' through sex or affection as I don't feel any chemistry.
I am planning to cancel going to the theatre this week and blame it on work (he knows that I am just about to start a new job), just so that I don't lead him on. I'm new to this dating stuff but think it's mean to continue if I don't feel anything.... What should I do?
Just tell him straight up that you're not that interested in him. Don't do this whole "I'm busy with work so I can't make it." thing. You can say "Look, you're a really great guy, but I don't think a relationship with you would work." Don't lead him on.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  July 26,2009, 2:54pm
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I think everything you’ve said is right, right up to the point about lying with a fake excuse. That would only leave him expecting to keep seeing you.
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  July 26,2009, 3:09pm
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Agree, honesty is better. You can tell him you just want to be friends, if he cancels the booked ahead events, then fine, if he doesn't mine just some company for a while knowing it's only friends, then at least he has a choice, and you are not standing him up with an insincere excuse
Mr_Right wrote :
Just tell him straight up that you're not that interested in him. Don't do this whole "I'm busy with work so I can't make it." thing. You can say "Look, you're a really great guy, but I don't think a relationship with you would work." Don't lead him on.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #5  July 26,2009, 3:44pm
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You both kind of goofed here. He shouldn't be making distant future plans so early in the game, and you should have said something early on if you had doubts.

Just explain to him that you have other people you are interested in seeing as well, and that he might want to ask someone else since you're not sure you'll be free that weekend.

I'm not saying it's easy, but it would be harder later on.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #6  July 26,2009, 3:58pm
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I agree with the rest of the guys, be honest with him. A work excuse will just keep his hopes up longer.
 
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LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #7  July 26,2009, 4:24pm
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I am on the same boat, but he is not making plans. I already told him I feel no spark yet he still wants to go out. The last time I saw him (4th date) he asked when we were going to see each other again and I said "I don't know the next three weekends I am booked", and it is REAL, I am booked back to back and cannot go the 2 hrs in to meet him.

He wants to come over, and he is already thinking what he can cook for me, and that I should visit him at home.. WOW.. this is going out of hand. I need to call him and be like, dude, seriously, no chemistry.. I am not interested in you. I do feel terrible saying that because he seems like the kind of guy who gets it over and over again. This really sucks!

'Perfect' but no chemistry!!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  July 26,2009, 4:36pm
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Please just tell them the truth.
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #9  July 26,2009, 5:01pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Lying only breeds resentment toward women collectively.
This quote works toward men, too, I might point out.

One of these ladies already told the guy she wasn't that interested but he's not "getting" it. She needs to bow out of the planned dates... but if he's so thick headed as to not understand she's not that into him I think she should tell him she already has a date planned that night with another guy.
 
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Benevolence32 is offline Benevolence32 Post #10  July 26,2009, 6:39pm
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Not much to say here, the other guys are correct you just need to be honest and not start lying or making excuses. Noone wants led on, if a woman told me she had to cancel a date due to work I would simply believe her and attempt to plan a date for another day.
 
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