Calling out an S.O.S.-To move or not to move


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BellaRose is offline BellaRose Post #1  July 25,2009, 12:14am
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This story is long so I would like to thank you now for your patience. I have never posted on a discussion board before, But I figured why not because I tend to keep things to myself, I have the fear of sharing personal info and I like my privacy. warning this will be honest so please don't judge, and be open.
Thanx

First off the advise that I'm looking for, Brutally Honest and Direct. With a List of questions to ask myself, as well as the individual this situation is associated with. And an Idea of set goals that are needed.

About 7 months ago I ended a 3+ year relationship. I then met a carefree fun individual.I have briefly been dating for the past 2 months. It started as a booty call, I know that sounds horrible but in all honesty its my first time and I just wanted something with out attachment, We started to actually spend time together and we realized then the connection we have. He Ended up losing his job and a week later he moved out of state, He took advantage of this drastic move because he has the opportunity to live near family something he has not done in years and have help financially To finally go to school and pursue a career. He was in the military and then became contracted with the government. Traveling around never the opportunity to settle somewhere.

woo... let me take a breath

Okay now my drama. Im a young twenty something that recently moved in with with her mother to help who is disabled and my ten year old sis. I have been in and out of school due to financially helping my mother. I feel stuck. I want to start my life but i feel massive guilt leaving my mother. But this has been going on for years.

So back to the man i was dating. He moved out on the 1st and we both split a ticket for me to fly out to visit on the 15th. I came home 7 days later so confused, about him and I, my feelings and much more. The last two weeks before he moved where intense, emotions grew fast. With out being able to question. He asked me to move away and live with him. Hes not concerned with a future, but of the moment. Im a planner, i like set goals. His idea is that i will never stop this cycle with my family unless i move away. But the question is at what cost. I have never lived with a partner.

So what do I do. We are both stubborn people.
What questions should i be asking myself, what questions should I be asking him.
what are the expectations of living with someone, and the natural development of a relationship. what are the negatives and positives of this. What are realistic goals.

I like him,I feel like I could develop feelings that i have never experienced because i feel it. Some how he broke down a wall that has never been exposed. i fear its just the intoxication of the moment, but Im scared to open up my heart, I fear attachment, I fear that he wont feel the same for me if feelings grow, I fear being burned and never healing.

All feedback is appreciated.thank you and have a lovely day.
 
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howlong is offline howlong Post #2  July 25,2009, 12:20am
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Alright I first would wonder why he wanted a booty call? Are you just someone that will please him as he wants it?
If you cut off that sort of thing would he still be there?
Do you want a future or just some fun for a while?
It seems he isnt interested a relationship, so in that regard is he going to be exclusive to you?
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #3  July 25,2009, 12:44am
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don't move unless you're engaged. discuss with everyone the possibility of your mom and/or sis moving with you. marriage is business, serious business, and it involves your whole tribe.

your family needs to know they have duties like that, and if they aren't willing to carry them everyone has to go it alone.

if your guy isn't willing, what you have is a personal relationship and you can get another one of those.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  July 25,2009, 5:41am
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I expect this will end.
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  July 25,2009, 6:43am
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Simple really. You do not move and certainly do not live with him unless you two are engaged and the wedding is planned and on the calendar.

This means involving both of your families. Figuring out how you will continue to help your mother and sister. What his role in that will be. Knowing that the two of you are really right for each other and truly ready for marriage. This means setting aside emotions and hormones and being able to look at your relationship and compatability objectively. Anything less than that is simply a bad mistake. You are young and will have no trouble finding another guy and another connection.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #6  July 25,2009, 7:08am
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BellaRose wrote :
...Okay now my drama. Im a young twenty something that recently moved in with with her mother to help who is disabled and my ten year old sis. I have been in and out of school due to financially helping my mother. I feel stuck. I want to start my life but i feel massive guilt leaving my mother. But this has been going on for years.

So back to the man i was dating. He moved out on the 1st and we both split a ticket for me to fly out to visit on the 15th. I came home 7 days later so confused, about him and I, my feelings and much more. The last two weeks before he moved where intense, emotions grew fast. With out being able to question. He asked me to move away and live with him. Hes not concerned with a future, but of the moment. Im a planner, i like set goals. His idea is that i will never stop this cycle with my family unless i move away. But the question is at what cost. I have never lived with a partner.

So what do I do. We are both stubborn people.
What questions should i be asking myself, what questions should I be asking him.
what are the expectations of living with someone, and the natural development of a relationship. what are the negatives and positives of this. What are realistic goals.

I like him,I feel like I could develop feelings that i have never experienced because i feel it. Some how he broke down a wall that has never been exposed. i fear its just the intoxication of the moment, but Im scared to open up my heart, I fear attachment, I fear that he wont feel the same for me if feelings grow, I fear being burned and never healing.

All feedback is appreciated.thank you and have a lovely day.
Hi there,
I highlighted what I believe to be the most important questions for you to consider.

The ones in red are critical.

No decision should ever be based solely on fear, stubborness, potential feelings or someone elses's wishes.

Your relationship with your mother should also be addressed. It's important! Guilt should never be a lifestyle of choice. Abandoning your mother is not the answer, nor should it stop you from living your own life. You need to resolve the situation - slowly, calmly and over time. The problem did not happen in a day (you said it's been going on fo years), nor can it be resolved in a day (hopefully it won't take years to correct, if done correctly). I can't comment on this further, not knowing the details. And this is not the right place to address this issue anyway. Depending on the depth of the problem and your communication styles, you and your mother may need to see a professional counselor to resolve your issues. It is the only thing that will set you free for the rest of your life!

As far as your relationship with this man and the move goes - don't forget that it is your life and your decision to make. Pleasing him and doing what he wants is not (or should not be) your goal in life. You are the one who will have to live with the consequences of that decision. You have to do what's right for you now, not what may or may not eventuate.

Personally, I would not move anywhere under the circumstances. Nor would I stay with this man - emotional blackmail is not a way to treat someone you care about. He should respect you and your personal goal and needs as much as you respect his.

The Frog and I come fom completely different angles on this, but I agree with his conclusion - this guy would not be a great loss to your life at this stage. You are young and still have a lot to learn about yourself, the world and other people in it.

Calm down, do what's right for you. He should do the same. Once that's happened, maybe you can remain friends, maybe not. Take it one step at a time - your adult life is only beginning to unfold. No need to rush it.

Good luck!
 
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BellaRose is offline BellaRose Post #7  July 25,2009, 10:50am
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I feel so rushed. Im so tired of not living. Im 26, but i feel 80. I have always taken care of my family, Guilt to do so has fueled this, im a pleaser to the T as well as nurturer, I have always done the right thing. Sacrificing my needs such as love, my education. Now due to helping, myself esteem is shot and im financially in trouble. and now jobless. You see the problem is my mother will pass away and if I have the opportunity then I will take custody of my lil sis. I have a large family yet some how they wont be there. selfish. I know that I am an enabler. Im just so lost, I feel like a retard for even posting this all together.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #8  July 25,2009, 11:09am
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BellaRose wrote :
... He asked me to move away and live with him. Hes not concerned with a future, but of the moment. Im a planner, i like set goals. His idea is that i will never stop this cycle with my family unless i move away. But the question is at what cost. ...
The highlighted line is enough to tell me you two are not compatible for the long run.

You don't indicate any terrible problems with your relationship with your mother, just that she needs help due to disability. The fact that you are a planner who likes to set goals tells me you are a responsible person. You would not feel right about yourself just walking away from the needs of your family. That doesn't mean you need to live with your mother forever (and some boundaries may need to be set in that regard in the future), but I don't think you'd feel right about yourself just leaving your 10-year old sister to take care of her.

My advice: Don't run away with Mr. Lives-For-The-Moment. The "cost" that you question is too high. He's exciting right now, but he's not for you long-term. Set a few boundaries at home so you can continue your schooling while still being there for mom. And depending on her disability, start looking into community resources that can help your family so you won't be tied to living with her forever.

If your mom has been good to you, you will never regret this time of taking care of her. Take it from someone who misses her parents terribly and had the privilege of helping to take care of them in their last years.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #9  July 25,2009, 11:24am
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BellaRose wrote :
I feel so rushed. Im so tired of not living. Im 26, but i feel 80. I have always taken care of my family, Guilt to do so has fueled this, im a pleaser to the T as well as nurturer, I have always done the right thing. Sacrificing my needs such as love, my education. Now due to helping, myself esteem is shot and im financially in trouble. and now jobless. You see the problem is my mother will pass away and if I have the opportunity then I will take custody of my lil sis. I have a large family yet some how they wont be there. selfish. I know that I am an enabler. Im just so lost, I feel like a retard for even posting this all together.

Oh, BellaRose.... (((hug))). Do not feel dumb for posting this. You are obviously a caring person, and apparently more responsible than a lot of your family. Sometimes people don't help out because they don't know what to do, or they think you're okay doing it all. Can you call on some of these family members and and flat out say "We need your help." Tell one or two you need dinners prepared for everyone a few nights a week. Tell another that they need to take Mom to the doctor on Tuesdays. Tell another that help is needed cleaning the house on Saturdays, including changing mom's bed linens, etc. Tell yet another to pick up Mom's Rx's at the pharmacy, bring them over and sit with Mom so you can get out of the house for a few hours. You get the idea. Sometimes people will step up to the plate and help if you just ask.... and sometimes they're pretty dense and you have to ask directly and repeatedly.

Try to carve out time for yourself. Sign up for one class to get you back in that groove. Get a part time job and tell a relative you need those hours covered for Mom.

I truly mean what I said in my last post (which I was writing when you posted yours). You will not regret being there for your mom during this time of her life. She and your sister are counting on you, and I know you won't let them down... but you DO need time for yourself, too. Mr. Lives-For-The-Moment doesn't "get" this and isn't for you, but there is a kind man out there who does get it... He may not show up on your doorstep immediately, but he's out there.

Remember the airplane rule... Put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. You do need to take care of some of your own needs in order to be there to help others.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #10  July 25,2009, 11:55am
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BellaRose wrote :
I feel so rushed. Im so tired of not living. Im 26, but i feel 80. I have always taken care of my family, Guilt to do so has fueled this, im a pleaser to the T as well as nurturer, I have always done the right thing. Sacrificing my needs such as love, my education. Now due to helping, myself esteem is shot and im financially in trouble. and now jobless. You see the problem is my mother will pass away and if I have the opportunity then I will take custody of my lil sis. I have a large family yet some how they wont be there. selfish. I know that I am an enabler. Im just so lost, I feel like a retard for even posting this all together.
You are NOT an enabler, nor are you a sacrificial lamb. Give yourself a break, please!

Take a couple of days off, give yourself a chance to relax. Go for a drive, spend a day or two out in the country, go for that early morning stroll (if you can get up that early ) or a moonlit walk late in the evening and breathe the fresh air. Gain a new perspective on your situation without stressing yourself out in the process. Maybe you have a trusted friend, who could go with you to keep you company and offer a listening ear and a hug or two.

There is no need to rush - you are not running late anywhere. Consider your job options and family situation carefully. I'm not sure what your family relationships are like, but I'm sure your family largely consists of good and decent people. Talk to them. See if you can somehow split the responsibilities you've put solely on your own shoulders. You may be pleasantly surprised by the results. And you do not need to abandon anyone, just ask for help and support when you need it.

As for the guy, forget about him for now. By the sound of it, he should be the one helping you now, not the other way around!

Good luck!
 
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