mle_26 is offline mle_26 Post #1  July 24,2009, 8:00pm
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I need help or I need to get some advice-

I've been seeing this guy for about 2 years now- it's rather complicated, but I'll try to give the short version...

He was married once and they had 2 kids, she took off left him and the kids for another man- now he has full custody of them.
He married another woman who might as well be from the bowels of hell- she mistreated him and the kids. They had a child together then got divorced (that's where I met him). She has the child throughout the week, and he gets the child on the weekends and pays for child support, and gives her money whenever she asks for it. But when he needs money or help, he knows he cannot ask her, she would laugh in his face, so he comes to me to ask for help with taking care of bills, groceries, buying the kids school clothes or anything he needs. He bends over backwards for her, yet claims he does not love her, he does does what she wants to keep peace and so he can see his son- She uses her son as a negotiating tool to get what she wants. If he doesn't do what she wants, she threatens that he will never see his son again, and have the court take more money out of his pay- Now remember, he has full custody of 2 kids from previous marriage- so he's pretty much a single dad with 2 other kids to raise, feed, clothe, house and keep happy. Anyone can be a father, but it takes a lot of guts to be a dad.

So what is my deal?
No matter how many times I have helped him out, I get shafted.

I love and care about him very much, and I adore his children as much as they adore me. I don't want to end it, but I don't know what to do. I've obviously invested to much love and time into this to just walk away. This isn't right.
Is there anything I CAN do?
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #2  July 25,2009, 1:05pm
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This guy was in an abusive relationship with his 2nd ex (maybe his 1st as well) and is displaying classic codependent behavior. By giving her money he is getting a little bit of approval from her, and having been mistreated by her this approval feels really good. In my view this is a much bigger factor than not being able to see his son. If he's a good dad and paying child support then there's no way a court is going to keep him from visitation. He probably knows this, but it is easier to use that as an excuse to keep giving her money. Make no mistake about it, he fears her wrath and disapproval far more than losing visitation rights.

What makes things worse though is that he's giving her money he doesn't have, and it hurts his ability to provide for his other two children.

Just being honest with you, this is not the kind of behavior he will change in a matter of a few months. Even if you confront him now, and even if he wanted to change it would take several months to over a year to break this kind of co-dependent pattern since he is in so deep. You have to make a choice to either cut off giving any more money or accept the situation for what it is and accept that you'll be supporting his abusive ex-wife until that child becomes 18.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #3  July 25,2009, 1:22pm
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1. Stop giving him money.
2. Stay OUT of the drama with his ex-wife.

She can "threaten" what she wants, but unless he is an unfit father the courts won't give it to her. I believe most states have a set formula for calculating child support, so if he's paying what the state says he shouldn't worry on that count either. He needs to grow a spine when dealing with her.

The fact is, they should be having limited contact to begin with. My exhusband and I conducted most of our communications through e-mail, and nearly all of it regarding scheduling for the kids, etc. He needs to set boundaries with her, and he needs to do it soon. If he doesn't, he is setting a poor example for all the kids and damaging his relationship with you. He needs to know that's what he's doing with his current spineless approach to her... and he may need to see a counselor to help him learn more constructive ways of dealing with the ex-wife.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #4  July 25,2009, 1:50pm
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waltercl wrote :
This guy was in an abusive relationship with his 2nd ex (maybe his 1st as well) and is displaying classic codependent behavior. By giving her money he is getting a little bit of approval from her, and having been mistreated by her this approval feels really good. In my view this is a much bigger factor than not being able to see his son. If he's a good dad and paying child support then there's no way a court is going to keep him from visitation. He probably knows this, but it is easier to use that as an excuse to keep giving her money. Make no mistake about it, he fears her wrath and disapproval far more than losing visitation rights.

What makes things worse though is that he's giving her money he doesn't have, and it hurts his ability to provide for his other two children.

Just being honest with you, this is not the kind of behavior he will change in a matter of a few months. Even if you confront him now, and even if he wanted to change it would take several months to over a year to break this kind of co-dependent pattern since he is in so deep. You have to make a choice to either cut off giving any more money or accept the situation for what it is and accept that you'll be supporting his abusive ex-wife until that child becomes 18.
'Nuff said....great advice!
 
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Genie57 is offline Genie57 Post #5  July 25,2009, 5:28pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
1. Stop giving him money.
2. Stay OUT of the drama with his ex-wife.

She can "threaten" what she wants, but unless he is an unfit father the courts won't give it to her. I believe most states have a set formula for calculating child support, so if he's paying what the state says he shouldn't worry on that count either. He needs to grow a spine when dealing with her.

The fact is, they should be having limited contact to begin with. My exhusband and I conducted most of our communications through e-mail, and nearly all of it regarding scheduling for the kids, etc. He needs to set boundaries with her, and he needs to do it soon. If he doesn't, he is setting a poor example for all the kids and damaging his relationship with you. He needs to know that's what he's doing with his current spineless approach to her... and he may need to see a counselor to help him learn more constructive ways of dealing with the ex-wife.
Bravo Wonderwoman.

Anyway, the states do have a formula for calculating child support so she can't just hijack him for more money just "because" or threaten that he can't see his child. Also, since he has full custody of the two children from his first marriage he should be getting child support from their mother shouldn't he? If that's the case why would he need your money? Why in the world should you be giving him money for his bills while he is giving money to his ex? He has dragged you into his drama and that is just crazy. He really does need to grow a spine and I'm afraid you do too dear. This is a crazy situation and you should never have gone down that road with him because now how do you stop?

If his first two marriages were the nightmare that he wants you to believe why is he letting these people continue to run his life? He definitely does not need as much contact with the ex as he seems to be having. Here is how it goes between me and my ex: Me: "What time are you picking the kids up?" Him: "Ten o'clock Saturday morning." Me: "OK, see ya." Something is up me thinks.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #6  July 25,2009, 6:55pm
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mle_26 wrote :
bends over backwards for her, yet claims he does not love her, he does does what she wants to keep peace and so he can see his son- She uses her son as a negotiating tool to get what she wants. If he doesn't do what she wants, she threatens that he will never see his son again, and have the court take more money out of his pay- Now remember, he has full custody of 2 kids from previous marriage- so he's pretty much a single dad with 2 other kids to raise, feed, clothe, house and keep happy. Anyone can be a father, but it takes a lot of guts to be a dad.

So what is my deal?
No matter how many times I have helped him out, I get shafted.

I love and care about him very much, and I adore his children as much as they adore me. I don't want to end it, but I don't know what to do. I've obviously invested to much love and time into this to just walk away. This isn't right.
Is there anything I CAN do?
As far as the second divorce, there must have been some sort of decree stating custodial rights, payments, visitation, etc. She can't just make him pay more unless she takes him to court. He obviously cares for the child's well-being and is allowing this blackmail because he doesn't want to lose his child. Very commendable in a sad way.

He definitely has his hands full with the crap from his second wife and balancing being a single dad with young kids and I'm assuming, a job, daycare, illnesses, shopping, cleaning, homework, and everything else. I'm sure at times he's also tired, frustrated, and lonely.

I'm not sure what you mean by being shafted - do you mean he disregards your feelings or your assistance? You should probably have a talk with him and explain how you feel. Be prepared to decide whether you can stay in his life as a friend to him and the children. If not, it would probably be best to break away before it becomes more painful for you.
 
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stt777 is offline stt777 Post #7  November 14,2010, 8:18pm
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I got to know a very nice man at work, he flirted with me every day. He finally got my number and lost it 2 times. I have the suspicion that he has ADD. He gets only a few hours sleep a night and has to be doing something, can not stay down for long.
I can deal with that, but he is divorced and has 5 children. 3 of them are married and he has a 13 and 18 year old who recently decided to live with him. He always talked in the form of we, we this and we that. Turns out he is talking about his children. He said they are over his place all the time especially on weekends where they want him to barbeque, he has to buy the food and do the barbequeing. He once said ," I wish I had some alone time."
The probelm is that he has kissed me and calls me about 3 times a week except when he's sick I won't hear from him. I don't have his number and he never calls me on the weekend. We have never gone out in 3 months since I got together with him romantically. He said he know he has to make time for me, but he gets caught up with his sons and keeping up his home and then watching football with them
all weekend. he has the 13 year old daughter there also. He said he would start bringing up my name. But he's gotten sick since that, heat stroke a lung infection, After that he called me about 2 times in a week, said he would call me a little later in the day if he could and I haven't heard from him for about 1 week and a half. I know he's been absent from work, probably sick.
I like him a lot but I don't know what to do.
Last edited by stt777; November 14,2010 at 8:26pm.
 
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