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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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D_Lion - Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

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I think you have a tightrope to walk with your situation, and care is needed to prevent losing too many partners.

By “debt,” I assume you mean either negative net worth, or nearly unmanageable loan payments.

When I was younger (when I did the dating I speak of here), I would tolerate the above situations, since about half of my partners were still in school and not established adults, and the rest were only just out of school. Also, we tended to all have young people’s mode of living.

At my current age (36), I might accept low wealth or low income (with good cause and expectation of recovery), but I doubt I would accept both – or if she did not have the skill-sets and a detailed plan for getting on solid footing.

For me, the situation that would cause me to dump you the fastest is if you came looking to me for a subsidy, which includes expecting me to pay for all the dating. If things went well, any commitment considerations would be the next danger area.

I disagree with DancingFool; I view disclosure / non-disclosure as a personal choice, perhaps influenced by culture, with her culture simply being different than mine. I would rather disclose, than spend months chasing someone, digging a deeper hole, only to then get dumped anyway.

For me personally, the strategy which would work would be to go on the first date, let him pay (which is overwhelmingly likely), then just make date two at your house and transition into low / no-cost activities. I would be fine with minimal spending.

You might luck out and get a well-off, generous man; though I suggest disclosing that hope only in prayer.
- July 24th, 2009, 03:25 pm
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angelofmerci angelofmerci is offline
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You should never discuss your finances until you are engaged. At that point you come completely clean. Being is debt is nothing to be ashamed about. Everyone has been there at one time or another. If you want to get out of debt you might consider working a part time job so you can still do your free lancing. Also check the resale shops for your clothes. In the larger more populated cities there usually is at least one upscale resale shop that just might have all the types of things you normally wear. Good luck
- July 24th, 2009, 03:54 pm
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hazmat hazmat is offline
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It sounds like you're doing things right and doing the best you can. Don't let it screw up your dating life. If you get in a situation with going to a fancy dinner, just be honest and say money is a little tight and could we go someplace else. Any normal guy would be fine with that. (and he'd pick up the tab )
- July 24th, 2009, 05:56 pm
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Genie57 Genie57 is offline
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miss_independent wrote :
Here's my story. I moved a little over a year ago starting over in a new place and joined eHarmony not too long ago as a way to meet guys that I don't work with. My job is unstable to say the least (I am a freelancer). With the economy the way it is right now I barely keep my head afloat, I traded in a savings account for credit card debt. I almost feel guilty for dating because of my issues with money. With that said, I have been communicating with this seemingly great guy for a while now and we plan on meeting for the first time this weekend. We talked a bit about my career and he mentioned that I must be good at managing money and I said something without actually saying anything. Not sure of he picked up on it or not but he didn't seem to.

My question is, if all goes well with this guy, or any other match, when do I get real about the fact that I am basically broke and in debt? What if he brings up money on our first date? I do not want to lie but at the same time I don't want to scare him off. And is it fair for me to even date someone while being in debt?
Miss Independent, I feel your pain. I was having this same conversation with a friend of mine earlier today. Since my divorce I have been struggling financially and just trying to keep aloat. I am in debt, not due at all to frivolous spending, just from trying to live. I count and watch every penny but ended up going through all of my savings because I hadn't had a pay increase in years. I don't know anyone who isn't in debt and struggling right now. To add insult to injury the company that I worked for closed abruptly a few months ago. So I said to my friend "I don't have any savings, I am in debt and now I don't even have a job or any prospects. Why would anyone want to date me?" She poo pooed me but I was very serious. She is in the same situation that I am in, ended up divorced, lost job, no savings, very careful with money, just trying to live, but she does have a boyfriend. Problem is, due to the economy he isn't doing too well financially either right now. Anyway she is trying to give me some hope and I want to give you some hope. Everybody deserves to be loved. Just be patient, it will happen. Plus, how do you know that the guy you are talking to isn't having some financial issues of his own? Just try to have some fun. I wouldn't even talk about finances with someone that I am just getting to know. TMI too soon you know?
- July 24th, 2009, 06:23 pm
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miss_independent miss_independent is offline
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Wootz, that is a great quote, and persistence is one of my biggest personality traits!

Genie, thank you for the encouragement, I like to think all things happen for a reason, and what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger. I guess we have to believe things will work out.....eventually!

update on my first date. Money did come up, and I kind of knew it would. He asked about my job, and being an honest person, I said things were slow, and I had nothing lined up at the moment. He was somewhat surprised because when we first started communicating, I was so busy I barely had time to email him. Then he brought up how hard that must be to budget my money because he has a tough time with a steady paycheck. I said things were difficult, but summers are always pretty bad and I have faith things will take a turn for the better soon. We talked about it for a while and I felt a bit uncomfortable. I didn't mention debt (there was no call for that) but I think he realized that I am not "well off" by any means, and with his modest living and life style, I don't believe he is either. He moved on to the next subject, but for a while, my mind was stuck on it.

All in all the date went well. No definite plans for a second one yet, but it seems promising. I just need to let myself be happy, even though sometimes I feel as though I don't deserve to be.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice!
- July 27th, 2009, 09:00 am
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In this economy many of us are not thriving to say the least. For me whether or not I'll consider someone who's not doing well financially depends on the reasons why he got there and his attitude going forward.

For example, I met a man recently whose business had gone under (he's a general contractor) and he was in the process of declaring bankruptcy. He'd lost his house and was moving in with his dad - in his mid-50s. But he'd done his best to keep his business, which had been family-owned, afloat, and he was supporting a son and taking care of his elderly parent. He took complete responsibility for his dependents, he was re-training in another field, and he was working on not being bitter about it all. We weren't a match for other reasons, but as long as he didn't expect me to fix his financials, his lack of money wouldn't have been a dealbreaker because I'm not looking for someone to fix my financials, either.

OTOH, I've met people who are destitute because they spent their money unwisely and they take no accountability for their current state ("it's the ex making me pay child support, my boss underpays me"). I run FAST in the other direction from men like this!
- July 27th, 2009, 12:51 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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miss_independent wrote :
what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.

I'd rather avoid testing this theory too often, myself!
- July 27th, 2009, 05:00 pm
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Icouldwriteabook Icouldwriteabook is offline
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I didn't read all the posts.

Please don't feel bad. A lot of us are in similar circumstances. 3-1/2 years ago, my credit was better than my ex's and I was even able to buy a townhouse on my own. Then income with my commissioned sales job dropped drastically. I made $10,000 less the following year than what I had made the year before, which is what I had budgeted for being able to pay for the house. The second year was almost as bad. I finally got a new job last summer but not in time to save my townhouse and lost it to foreclosure. Worked the new job for 6 months and then was laid off in February of this year!
Finally got a new job (as of two weeks ago - yay!), hopefully stable this time, and it is a non-sales job so the income is reliable so things will be on the upswing for me but I do have debt (about $5,000 or less) that I need to take care of and my credit is now shot to heck too.
However, with the economy right now a lot of people are experiencing these things.
When someone puts on the eHarmony Must Have "financially stable" (or whatever exactly it is) I do make sure that I mention (in a nutshell, not too many details at first) that I am financially strapped. So far, everyone I have met has been very understanding and have also commented that they appreciate my being up front about it all. They have said that it shows that I am honest and forthright. I try to make sure they know that my issues are simply due to circumstances and not because I am a deadbeat.
At the very least, when I was unemployed I would mention that issue right up front because I wanted the guy to know in case he had any ideas about splitting any date costs (which most don't expect me to pay anyway, but I didn't want any surprises either!).
- July 27th, 2009, 10:25 pm
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Icouldwriteabook Icouldwriteabook is offline
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D_Lion wrote :
I'd rather avoid testing this theory too often, myself!
Ditto!!! I keep saying "Okay, God, you can stop testing me now! I think I have learned my lesson!!!! You can throw some good stuff my way now......"
- July 27th, 2009, 10:27 pm
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