dating with young kids


View Poll Results: How old were your kids when you started dating again?
under 1 0 0%
1 to 5 3 25.00%
5 to 10 8 66.67%
10 to 18 1 8.33%
Voters: 12. You may not vote on this poll

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lucky32 is offline lucky32 Post #1  July 21,2009, 9:43pm
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I'm new at this mom thing. I recently had my first baby who is now 2 months old. I feel weird about being back in the dating world with a baby. I'm looking for general advice about dating when my primary attention needs to be with my baby. How do I incorporate someone special, not make them feel secondary, yet handle this new big responsibility?
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #2  July 22,2009, 12:42am
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Hi there and Welcome!

First of all, Congratulations on becoming a Mother for the first time!

Sorry to be blunt, but I am a little confused by your post...
Where is the father of your 2-months old in this picture?

I'm not a parent, so I can't claim to understand, but if I had a 2-months old and all the other house-keeping money-earning chores to deal with, not to mention physically recovering from child birth and nursing (if you are doing that), Dating would probably be the very last thing on my mind.

If you need to deal with Dating when your child gets older and things become a little more settled in your life, the child would still come first to me (I'd like to believe), before any of my dates, until that child grows up a little and is able to take care of some of his or her own needs.

Right now your child is new to the world and is fully dependent on you for his physical needs as well as emotional needs of love, care and stability. I think this should be your first priority for now, and for a while to come...

Good luck to both of you! Enjoy each other - time passes us by before we even notice it, and we can never turn it back, unfortunately. Fortunately, we can realize this fact and make the most of the time we have to enjoy our lives, fill it with a wide variety of human relationships, and all the different types of human love associated with those relationships...
 
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lucky32 is offline lucky32 Post #3  July 22,2009, 6:37am
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Unfortunately, the father of the baby does not want anything to do with her. I dated him briefly, then became friends. When I was seven months pregnant he decided he didn't want anything to do with me or the baby for his own reasons. I guess I am thinking I really want to get to know someone a lot better and not make the same mistake again. This takes time, and I'm not looking to rush into anything. I don't feel that my options are too good right now, I was just wondering if a man would even be interested in dating someone with such a young child. It has been many years since I had someone special in my life. I feel ready again to date, I miss an adult companion, partner in crime kind of thing. I guess your right, because of my choices I should probably wait a while. When will I know it's a good time for me and the baby? I don't want to be a single parent, I am sad for my daughter, I think every girl needs a dad of some sort.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  July 22,2009, 2:36pm
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The same way everyone else does:
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  July 22,2009, 4:03pm
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lucky32 wrote :
Unfortunately, the father of the baby does not want anything to do with her. I dated him briefly, then became friends. When I was seven months pregnant he decided he didn't want anything to do with me or the baby for his own reasons. I guess I am thinking I really want to get to know someone a lot better and not make the same mistake again. This takes time, and I'm not looking to rush into anything. I don't feel that my options are too good right now, I was just wondering if a man would even be interested in dating someone with such a young child. It has been many years since I had someone special in my life. I feel ready again to date, I miss an adult companion, partner in crime kind of thing. I guess your right, because of my choices I should probably wait a while. When will I know it's a good time for me and the baby? I don't want to be a single parent, I am sad for my daughter, I think every girl needs a dad of some sort.



I hate to break it to you, Lucky, but the father of your baby is not your friend. He walked out on you at 7 months. That shows a total lack of responsibility on his part. Maybe he felt justified, because you dated him "briefly". Regardless, you need to think about a paternity suit, going for a judgment of child support.

Your baby is totally dependent on you for her very life. You are all she has. Life ain't (it's in the dictionary now, properly used to provide shock or other special effect) fair, girl, and you've had a tough break. So go for that child support. You fight for your daughter!

I also hate to say I get the feeling you want a man to save you. And if I get that feeling about you from here, you can pretty well figure men are going to pick up on that in person. Men do take pride in being good providers, but no man wants to think he's just your next meal ticket.

More important than every girl having a dad of "some sort" is that she has a dad of the "right sort." It does appear to me you are intent on "rushing into things" when she's only two months old. Most women hate to leave their babies when the maternity leave is up and they have to go back to work. That's right about now!

A man that is the "right sort" will not expect you to put him before that baby, as you worried about in your OP. The "right sort", the kind who will stay the long run, will love your baby as his own, and he will make you and your child the center of his world. He will probably come along when you least expect it. I really don't think he would want you to leave your baby at two months to go look for a man of "some sort."

There will be all sorts of logistical issues to deal with when you do start to date. Lining up and paying for child care will be huge. You won't be able to be spontaneous with last minute dates.

I wish the best for you and your baby.
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #6  July 22,2009, 4:17pm
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[quote=D_Lion;683096]The same way everyone else does:
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #7  July 22,2009, 4:36pm
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lucky32 wrote :
When will I know it's a good time for me and the baby? I don't want to be a single parent, I am sad for my daughter, I think every girl needs a dad of some sort.
Since you asked....a good time will be when you are financially independent, good job/career etc. And when your daughter at least has started school, around 5-6.

This is going to sound harsh, but it's too late to choose "not to be a single parent." You already made that choice. You chose to have sex with a man who wasn't committed to you or his (potential) child.

Make the best of it by investing in your SELF. Giving your daughter an example of a strong woman who doesn't NEED a man to complete her is much more important than finding a "dad" for her. She has a dad. He's just not a very good one.

Stop worrying about giving her a "dad" and instead, spend that energy on giving her an AWESOME MOM!!
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #8  July 23,2009, 11:24am
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Welcome to the EHadvice boards!

Since you did not fill out the Advice profile I am not sure if some of my advice will apply to you but I will give it a try.

First off there are two things you need to concentrate on. One is your baby and the other is somehow, by hook or crook, getting as much education as possible so you are not dependent upon any man for your and your baby's financial future.

As to dating, at two months if you did not have a caesarian then your stitches are barely out. If you did have a caesarian then you are still working through the soreness and trying to regain your strength. I would concentrate on enjoying your baby now then after it is at least a year or two old consider dating. Yes there will be and are men who will want to date you. It will require patience in finding them but they are out there. Good luck
 
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Snick8699 is offline Snick8699 Post #9  July 25,2009, 2:48pm
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Girl take a deep breath and a step back. I'm sure you have a lot of emotions swirling around inside you because I know that's what happens when you're a new mom, but your daughter's "sperm donor" just left you 4 months ago. Right now is not the time to be thinking of romance.

Thinking of your daughter's future is important, but supplying her with a surrogate "dad" figure is not. Many women do this and often make poor choices. Just because a man is willing to date you and take care of your child does not mean he's the right one to be your child's dad!

Dating with a young child is scary, I know this first-hand. This is why you need to approach dating with a clear-head, find someone right for YOU and then decide if he's someone who will be good for your daughter. If you love him and he loves you then he will love your child.

Right now you're both mommy & daddy and that in itself will make you stronger and earn the respect of your daughter and those around you. Now you need to learn to respect yourself and make the right choice. The rest will just fall into place. Good luck!!
 
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tigerlilyplay6 is offline tigerlilyplay6 Post #10  July 28,2009, 7:10pm
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lucky32 wrote :
Unfortunately, the father of the baby does not want anything to do with her. I dated him briefly, then became friends. When I was seven months pregnant he decided he didn't want anything to do with me or the baby for his own reasons. I guess I am thinking I really want to get to know someone a lot better and not make the same mistake again. This takes time, and I'm not looking to rush into anything. I don't feel that my options are too good right now, I was just wondering if a man would even be interested in dating someone with such a young child. It has been many years since I had someone special in my life. I feel ready again to date, I miss an adult companion, partner in crime kind of thing. I guess your right, because of my choices I should probably wait a while. When will I know it's a good time for me and the baby? I don't want to be a single parent, I am sad for my daughter, I think every girl needs a dad of some sort.

Hi,

I am a single mother of a wonderful, healthy daughter who is now ten yrs old. I first want to say that your child can't miss what they didn't have so don't confuse the sorrow for your child that really you may feel for yourself. Your first priority should be getting used to motherhood because the first year will go so fast your head will spin. Also, I have learned to take the time to get back to loving myself because at one time I really put myself last and didn't realize how neglectful I was becoming so when I did start dating (my daughter was 4 or 5 yrs old) I had no identity as to what my needs were as a person let alone what I needed in a mate. I encourage you to enjoy the firsts that your bundle of joy will experience and realize that being a single parent provides inner strength to yourself and your child. You will have some hard times...but a father figure is not the answer YOU are. Please continue to take pride in the greatest accomplishment you have which is creating a new life and trust me what one man couldn't do another one SURELY will. Best believe me!!
 
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