soawesome is offline soawesome Post #1  July 18,2009, 12:09pm
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ended a 1 1/2 yr relationship and is sad but dating!

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I hope this doesn't sound too lame. Last night I was out gambling and a really young, really cute guy hit on me. He was drunk, which i advised was not an attractive state. So he insisted on staying by me until he sobered up so he could prove his "worthiness". I kept informing him i wasn't available/am seeing someone exclusively. He kept insisting he's a believer in love at first sight and that's why he was being so agressive with me. He followed me to the grocery store and shopped with me. He kissed me. He gave me his phone# and home address - asked me to break up w/the man and call him for real love. I refused to give him any of my information. But here's the reason for the question: there was absolutely chemistry there. He made me feel giddy. Bless his heart, he flattered the hell out of me! The man i'm seeing (i've talked about on other threads - health issues, older, young daughter) has committed to exclusivity, but won't commit to a real relationship/love future because of his health. I didn't do anything with the kid, but because i "felt" something (yes, lust i know), i feel like a jerk today - like i betrayed the man (whom i've agreed to accept as is). So, am i a jerk? And by the way, while i'm not going to - i DO want to see this kid again. He made me feel special and adored, which i do not get from the man.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  July 18,2009, 12:25pm
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I don't know if most people would think you were cheating. But you've certainly gotten yourself into a mess.

Whether or not you're really in a relationship hinges on express and implied demonstrations of exclusivity. I haven't read any of your posts about this other man, but it sounds like he is certainly in the picture. Even though you initially thought Guy #2 was cute, you still told him that you were in a relationship. At that point, if I were that guy, I would have believed you. If I continued to pursue you, as he did, I would be thinking that I was enabling a woman's infidelity. So I personally think you cheated.

If Guy #2 makes you feel the way you do, and Guy #1 definitely doesn't, maybe you should get rid of Guy #1. Not necessarily for Guy #2 (that's another issue altogether, but I won't go into since that's not what you want to discuss), but because you have discovered there are other men out there who could make you happier.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  July 18,2009, 12:28pm
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You did do something. You kissed him. You encouraged him. You engaged in a flirtatious relationship that was not simply social flirtation.

If I was dating someone exclusively and they did this, I would definitely consider it cheating.

If you're not happy with your current relationship, and you're not willing to commit to it as it is, you should end it.

I'm not going to comment on the chemistry, etc. You know as well as I do what that is, and that's all that it is. Is that all you want? If it is, that's fine, but you owe it to your partner to break the exclusive relationship before engaging in this.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  July 18,2009, 12:36pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Some people seem to think love is some type of magical, transcendental experience that is infallible, 'conquers all' etc. I think this post demonstrates how false that is. Romantic love is about how someone makes us feel (as the OP wrote 'special and adored').

However, an important point is whether one is limited to looking for immediate gratification (i.e. the OP succumbing to kissing this stranger who made her feel good though she's in a relationship with someone else)....or if someone is willing to delay immediate gratification in favor of a longer term benefit.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #5  July 18,2009, 12:42pm
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I don't understand committing to exclusivity but NOT committing to a "real relationship/love future." I don't see the point in being exclusive if there's not a possibility of a real relationship as it progresses.

To me that would be settling... or just a "for now" relationship.

My advice? This new guy may not be "the one," but he is a blessing in that he's awakened you to the fact that your current relationship is not giving you what you need or want. Tell your steady guy that you still enjoy being with him, but that you don't want to be "exclusive" any more. Depending on how he reacts, that could be a complete ending for you two, or just a shift into seeing other people as well.

And to the specific question... no, I don't think you've cheated. Yet.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #6  July 18,2009, 12:42pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
You did do something. You kissed him. You encouraged him. You engaged in a flirtatious relationship that was not simply social flirtation.

If I was dating someone exclusively and they did this, I would definitely consider it cheating.

If you're not happy with your current relationship, and you're not willing to commit to it as it is, you should end it.

I'm not going to comment on the chemistry, etc. You know as well as I do what that is, and that's all that it is. Is that all you want? If it is, that's fine, but you owe it to your partner to break the exclusive relationship before engaging in this.


I agree with Littleblue...these things happened because you allowed it to happen. Now you just need to figure out what's most important.
Last edited by hazmat; July 19,2009 at 12:11pm.
 
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WishingWell is offline WishingWell Post #7  July 18,2009, 12:44pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
I don't understand committing to exclusivity but NOT committing to a "real relationship/love future." I don't see the point in being exclusive if there's not a possibility of a real relationship as it progresses.

To me that would be settling... or just a "for now" relationship.
Bingo! Uggghhhh. I so needed to read this.
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #8  July 18,2009, 1:10pm
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It sounds to me like both guys are just not right for you. Number one won't commit to a future with you but wants to be exclusive? Deep down, you are probably not too happy with that. (I'm not familiar with your reasons or other posts about this, though.) Maybe you've been telling yourself you are fine with the relationship but obviously, you don't love him enough.

And then you gave in to a guy who was not in complete command of himself, even though you knew you should resist and told him so. He wanted you to cheat and was willing to help you break a promise to your boyfriend.

tbesq and lbmm have given good advice to do right by your commitments if you cannot honor them.
 
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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #9  July 18,2009, 2:07pm
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I've seen some replies where multiple posts are quoted. I wish i knew how you do that - i'd like to reply directly to several things said by different people. Settling.... it's possible and even probable. The person who said i don't love the current guy enough couldn't be more wrong. But ultimately I want from HIM what I got from the kid. No it is not completely fulfilling - he holds back in lots of ways. I get that no one really gets the "exclusive without committed" thing - I, myself, don't get it. That's part of the problem. Since i posted, i've realized that i don't really want to see the kid again - that he isn't what i'm looking for. What i do want is those feelings he offered from the man that i'm already with. I really want that. My guy keeps telling me he understands i'll probably leave him for a man who can offer more, but i don't want to, i want more from him. Another part of the dilemma is, if I stay with this guy (who does have my heart already), he has no incentive to give more because he already has me.......
As always, i am grateful for the feedback and the thoughtfulness of the replies!
 
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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #10  July 18,2009, 2:10pm
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jayjay wrote :
Some people seem to think love is some type of magical, transcendental experience that is infallible, 'conquers all' etc. I think this post demonstrates how false that is. Romantic love is about how someone makes us feel (as the OP wrote 'special and adored').

However, an important point is whether one is limited to looking for immediate gratification (i.e. the OP succumbing to kissing this stranger who made her feel good though she's in a relationship with someone else)....or if someone is willing to delay immediate gratification in favor of a longer term benefit.
Jayjay - yup! that is what i've been trying to do - delay immediate gratification in favor of a long term benefit. I loved what you wrote. Wonderwoman - thanks to you too!
 
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