Am I getting the blow off from my Portland_Prince?


View Poll Results: Is my Portland Hottie Blowing me off
Yes and you should move on. 11 78.57%
Don't know, bite the bullet and ask him. 2 14.29%
No, you need to calm down 1 7.14%
Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

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Portland_Princess is offline Portland_Princess Post #1  July 17,2009, 8:09pm
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I need advice on my match since my friends are split on whether or not he has blown me off or he simply is busy and will make time for me later. I don't want him to be beholden to me every single second since I am busy too.
I have been talking to a match on eHarmony for over two months. Out of the nearly 300 I was matched with, there was one man that literally ticked all of my boxes and was even better when we started talking on the phone. Up until a week ago today, we used to email, text and call each other daily. We were hitting it off and to put it lightly, I was in intense like before I even met him and the feeling was, according to him, mutual. I even asked him straight out if he liked me or not and was pleased by the answer. We discussed that when we met we didn’t want to disappoint one another and I assured him he could not disappoint me whereas he said he also wasn’t stuck on appearances either (we saw photos of each other through the process).
He is a single dad and I love that too and I know he’s busy a lot with the kids, just as I am with mine. The only thing that was a tad troubling was he never asked about my kids (although I always asked about his).
We met last week and the date was fantastic (and went on for a long time). I drove nearly 300 miles to see him and he was a complete doll when we met too, he was even better than I had hoped for (although he was a little shorter than what he said he was on eHarmony but he was just as charming and wonderful as he was on the phone as in person). The second troubling thing came up during the date, though, was that a woman kept texting and calling him during the date (he didn’t pick up) that he said stalks him. In retrospect, I wonder if she is a stalker or just one of the many women he met here and rather than telling them it’s not working, he lets them keep calling and making a fool of themselves/laughing at her. I told him at one point the should get a restraining order or something. He didn’t pick up the phone but gave me his undivided attention.
The date ended after two days on fantastic kisses and then I drove home (he asked me to call him when I got home). I did but for the first time, he didn’t pick up the phone (and I left a message).
Fast forward to today (a week later) and he hasn’t called, but he has sent a few text here and there. When I reply with a text asking if I should call him, he doesn’t respond. I don’t want to push the issue (and keep thinking of the woman he says stalks him so I don't want to send too many messages or call too much. The humiliation of him laughing at me like he did her would do me in).
I really like him (we have the same interests, likes, activity level, outlook on life) and on one hand I don’t want to be like the woman he says is a stalker and continually call. On the other hand, if he is blowing me off then everything he said on his eHarmony page was a lie, as well as the conversations we had for over two months and that means I am a bad judge of character/paying for the pleasure of being blown off on a continual basis on eHarmony. That would also mean the weekend we spent together was essentially him lying for 48 hours about his intentions towards me. If I could be so wrong about him, I don't trust myself with anyone. Also quite frankly, he is the only man I have ever met on eHarmony that I was attracted to mentally, physically and emotionally and could see myself in a LTR with. Why am I being matched with a man who isn't serious about dating and doing so based on the person’s integrity/heart? One friend tells me welcome to the real world where people are routinely thrown away like Kleenex (this is the first time I have ever gone after a man I liked, I usually wait for the ones who like me to approach me). The other friend thinks he’s a single dad that works night shifts and I need to be more patient and chill out.
He text’ed me once this week that he was feeling under the weather and I sent him a care package and he hasn’t even said anything about if he's better, nor mentioned the package.
I know on one hand we’ve only spoken to each other for two months but I feel really down because of this, more so because if he is blowing me off he should have been honest and also I wonder what I did “wrong” that during our conversations, he was really into me (as well as some other things we had discussed and even acted upon) and now all of a sudden doesn’t even respect me enough to be honest, nor accept responsibility if there are repercussions. I was completely open and honest with him. If he is a player and does this routinely, why didn't he take other steps to ensure there would not be repercussions?
If a man doesn’t speak to you in a week, is that a clear sign he’s blown you off?
Last edited by Portland_Princess; July 24,2009 at 10:02pm.
 
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Elaine_Harmony is offline Elaine_Harmony Post #2  July 17,2009, 8:35pm
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LOL that sounds like my match. I met this really nice guy who lives quite a distance from me on eHarmony. We hit it off from the start & talked for hours every day after work, texted multiple times a day, & used our web cams to see each other. We met in person for a weekend at his place a little over two weeks ago. I think we got a long well & at the end of the weekend he asked if I would call him when I got home. The first week after I got home was pretty normal with us talking & texting daily. The next week he went out of town & texted me about once a day & we talked a couple of times on the phone. This week I texted him but he didn't text me back but called me a couple of times. During our last convo I asked him if he wanted to come visit me where I live & just went over how I really enjoyed our time together when we met. He def. sounded like he was interested in meeting again because he was like 'when' & he said he enjoyed our time when we met. Whenever we talk our convos go well & I really like him but should I ask him what's up because he hasn't come out & said he's not interested, he hasn't closed me out as one of his matches on eHarmony? Do you think he could be busy at work, or he could be talking to several matches on eHarmony & doesn't want to close off his options now? What would you do? It would suck it he doesn't want to hang out anymore but I would rather hear that straight up & not waste either of our time by calling/texting if he's not into me. He said that on another instance he met another match who he would 'ignore' when she texted him because he wasn't interested!!!
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  July 17,2009, 9:56pm
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I'm definitely in the "No, calm yourself down" camp.

From what you've described, I certainly don't get the feeling that he's blowing you off. I do get a feeling that he is dealing with some of his personal issues and fears at present.

I would recommend to give him some time, but do send him an occasional text or an email, or a phone call, just to remind him how much he likes you . Make it light and funny, and do not accuse him of anything. Let him come around of his own free will, when he is ready.

That said, I would not leave it up to him indefinitely. If he has not contacted you with something definite within a week or so, I would ask him straight (but without accusations) and take it from there, depending on his answer.

If you have a strong feeling, you owe it yourself to give the relationship the best chance of working out. However, sometimes the timing does not work out in our favor. If that's the case, you will at least be able to sleep well at night, knowing that you've given it your best shot, and not wantering "what if I stayed a little longer".

Good luck! It looks promissing from where I see it, so I hope it all works out for you two!
 
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jomarie is offline jomarie Post #4  July 17,2009, 10:14pm
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Your poll is missing my answer:
Don't know, back off.

It sounds to me like he's seriously slowed down since meeting you in person. To me that's almost a sure sign that he's not as interested as he had hoped, and is likely checking out his other options. To me, that is the biggest flaw in online dating. (It's hard to be content with the girl at hand when there are 3 more waiting in the wings that you haven't met yet.) Just back off, don't call him! Rather than asking if you should call him, reply 'call me.', if he texts you again. I think he knows he's got you 'in the bag' so to speak, so he's holding you at bay while he checks out his other options. You ARE 300 miles away, which doesn't make for an ideal girlfriend, so my advice would be for you to keep your options open as well-move on to the next one. If he's interested enough, he will be in touch. (He's already proved he's capable of daily communication.) It hurts, but perhaps you're being so willing to drive 300 miles to see him, and your telling him how much you liked him, could have scared him off, too. Too much, too soon, can be creepy. It gives the impression of either desperation or poor judgement. (You never know- just things to consider.)
 
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Portland_Princess is offline Portland_Princess Post #5  July 18,2009, 12:15am
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Jomarie,
the entire "three more waiting in the wings" fact hadn't even entered into my mind. I feel like a deflated balloon and that's probably right (as much as it hurts to realize. How can I compete with that reality? There's no way I'll ever get serious consideration if there is always someone within reach who is better.) Does Online dating means living in a state of constant rejection?
I probably contacted him too often in the past, and he knows how much I liked him and that did show poor judgement on my part.
You know, I'm not sure I could take going through this again (and I don't know how the serial daters on eHarmony do it).
I had sent him a present for his kid's b-day, him a get well present and text back at one point to call me (and he didn't). I even sent him an eCard that I saw he read immediately but no reaction at all.
I guess I have to put this one to bed and move on. I thought he would have at least been honest and said he wasn't interested, given how much we talked to one another before. I was moving down to his city in a week (had planned it before I met him) but I'm thinking maybe that's also a sign of poor judgement.
Now that I think of it, he did show me pictures of him and an ex-eHarmony date and his kids, which gave me false hope of thinking we would be seeing each other in future too.
Last edited by Portland_Princess; July 18,2009 at 12:18am.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #6  July 18,2009, 4:48am
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He's definitely not that into you. It's time to move on.

But if you wanted to freak him out a little, start calling him every day. ^_^
 
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Portland_Princess is offline Portland_Princess Post #7  July 18,2009, 5:26am
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Mr_Right wrote :
He's definitely not that into you. It's time to move on.

But if you wanted to freak him out a little, start calling him every day. ^_^
I guess I should have freaked out when he called and text me every single day initially. Funny how that doesn't work both ways.
I'm a little hurt and angry but oh well better to know this now before I took a huge step or worse, relocated.
Now I know his "stalker" was probably just another woman he had met and didn't have the balls to just tell her he wasn't interested.

Time to move on and stop the whole online dating thing. That whole more women waiting in the wings thing doesn't really give a lot of incentive to be truthful and really giving someone a true chance.
 
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Portland_Princess is offline Portland_Princess Post #8  July 18,2009, 5:40am
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I should have been freaked out when he was calling and texting me every single day but if I do the exact same thing he did, that will freak him out? Funny how that works. He's being a hypocrite then but oh well, time to cut him out.

If he wasn't interested, he shouldn't have done things during the date to act like he was (including kissing, telling me how much he was looking forward to seeing me again, etc.). I would have been perfectly ok with him saying, you know you're a nice person but I'm seeing other people or any other line.
It makes me kind of sad as well as angry that he wasn't honest (for me that was the only reason I decided to do the online dating thing. To meet someone who was honest, match up based on interests and really get to know one another. I meet plenty of men outside of online but they are usually just interested in me physically rather than emotionally). I feel duped and reallly stupid.
Obviously not ready for the whole online thing then. I feel bad for the woman he said was stalking him (and I actually believed him). She's probably just another woman he met that he didn't just tell it wasn't working out/he wasn't interested. Makes me wonder why the ex really left him/is so angry with him but I have too much going on in my life to worry about it now.
What an expensive lesson to learn but I'm glad I posed the question here because I was seriously going to relocate to PDX.
Thank you for your replies.
 
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roarimaraptor is offline roarimaraptor Post #9  July 18,2009, 5:48am
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I voted yes. And yes, online dating means living with constant rejection and also, constant wondering, constant confusion, and sometimes constant guilt. But so does offline dating.
 
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flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #10  July 18,2009, 6:02am
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Portland_Princess wrote :
I should have been freaked out when he was calling and texting me every single day but if I do the exact same thing he did, that will freak him out? Funny how that works. He's being a hypocrite then but oh well, time to cut him out.

If he wasn't interested, he shouldn't have done things during the date to act like he was (including kissing, telling me how much he was looking forward to seeing me again, etc.). I would have been perfectly ok with him saying, you know you're a nice person but I'm seeing other people or any other line.
It makes me kind of sad as well as angry that he wasn't honest (for me that was the only reason I decided to do the online dating thing. To meet someone who was honest, match up based on interests and really get to know one another. I meet plenty of men outside of online but they are usually just interested in me physically rather than emotionally). I feel duped and reallly stupid.
Obviously not ready for the whole online thing then. I feel bad for the woman he said was stalking him (and I actually believed him). She's probably just another woman he met that he didn't just tell it wasn't working out/he wasn't interested. Makes me wonder why the ex really left him/is so angry with him but I have too much going on in my life to worry about it now.
What an expensive lesson to learn but I'm glad I posed the question here because I was seriously going to relocate to PDX.
Thank you for your replies.
Good, I'm glad you put the whole thing into perspective. I was one of the ones who voted for you to move on.

Funny about that double standard; it's appropriate when the guy blows hot when you're not sure if you want him, but in the reverse? The woman is labeled a psycho.

Don't let this experience keep you away from online dating, because as you noted, the same pretty much happens IRL. Just proceed with caution now that you are more familiar with the pitfalls.
 
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