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View Poll Results: Is my Portland Hottie Blowing me off
Yes and you should move on. 11 78.57%
Don't know, bite the bullet and ask him. 2 14.29%
No, you need to calm down 1 7.14%
Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

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Doodler Doodler is offline
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Portland_Princess wrote :
J...........
I had sent him a present for his kid's b-day, him a get well present and text back at one point to call me (and he didn't). I even sent him an eCard that I saw he read immediately but no reaction at all.
.....................

If someone I had met only once sent my kid (who he had never met) a birthday gift, and then sent me a get well gift, I would be freaked and run the other way. It may not have been how you intended it, but to me this reeks of desperation. I think his non-response to your eCard, which you know he received, speaks volumes.
- July 18th, 2009, 08:04 am
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Portland_Princess Portland_Princess is offline
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Doodler wrote :
If someone I had met only once sent my kid (who he had never met) a birthday gift, and then sent me a get well gift, I would be freaked and run the other way. It may not have been how you intended it, but to me this reeks of desperation. I think his non-response to your eCard, which you know he received, speaks volumes.
Hi
You know I had no idea that sending a gift reeked of desperation and really thought I was being considerate.
We had talked for months and one of his kids was involved in a very bad accident (which I thought I was being considerate by getting a gift that he was scouring the internet and stores for). It wasn't out of desperation but being nice (I thought). One of my children passed away (which he knows) after a long bout with leukemia years ago.
Then he became sick. Honestly, I thought I was being nice and it would have been rather cold not to do anything.
Last edited by Portland_Princess; July 21st, 2009 at 01:35 am.
- July 18th, 2009, 08:28 am
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legend29 legend29 is offline
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Portland_Princess wrote :
Hi
You know I had no idea that sending a gift reeked of desperation and really thought I was being considerate.
We had talked for months and one of his kids was involved in a very bad accident (which I thought I was being considerate by getting a gift that he was scouring the internet and stores for). It wasn't out of desperation but being nice (I thought). One of my children passes away (which he knows) after a long bout with leukemia years ago.
Then he became sick. Honestly, I thought I was being nice and it would have been rather cold not to do anything.
First..welcome to the boards Portland Princess! You will find great advice here.

Now...to address your conundrum...I am very sorry this happened to you. Sometimes online dating can leave a person feeling rejected and thus forever jaded about dating and men.

With that said, I think you met what is commonly called a "serial-dater". He loves the thrill of meeting new women (the e-mails/phone calls, etc)..and may be addicted to that 'first date' excitement, which eventually wanes after the firsr date...only to move on to the next 'high' (I mean...woman). He is a junkie at this point, and probably will not build a relationship until he has sowed all of his wild oats and settles down to normalcy.

Which is why I have a rule that states no matter how much I may be attracted to a man...I hold on to my excitement until I know he is a keeper. I know that can be hard to do, but since I have been online dating for awhile, I have become quite adept at this. Plus, I never want a man that I don't know that well to get inside my head before he has passed the muster. Try not to be so forthcoming in the future about your feelings, and do lots more observation during the first date. Listen to what he says, what he does. Pay atention to him very closely...and no more passionate kisses on the first date. A hand-shake, hug, or kiss on the cheek will do. Keep your emotions in check...don't "eeeekkk" too much...and you will be just fine.

Oh yeah..don't spend too much time on the phone next time. That tends to give the man more info about you that he feels he knows you and as one poster said "has you in the bag". Keep all phone calls at a minimum of 30 minutes, maybe a few times a week....no more texting all day..do not make yourself easily accessible. It may tell a man that your world revolves around him, which is not good if he is not sincere...and no more gifts! I know you meant well, but a bum will see this as "Aha..I got her!", and blow you off as not a challenge later on.

I know dating can be daunting, but if you set parameters for yourself, and stick to them, you will leave each first date not worrying whether he will call you, because it won't matter what he thinks. It is a given these days that a second date may not be...so enjoy..relax...and remember that you really don't know the person sitting across from you, though it may feel as if you have a great connection.

If the next man you meet is a serial dater or a player, at least you will have felt like you made him work to get to the first date, and he may stick around because he will find you so intriguing that he really must have that second date (or more). In that case it will be you deciding whether YOU want to see HIM again..not the other way around. That can be very empowering...indeed!
- July 18th, 2009, 09:00 am
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adonna adonna is offline
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I agree with the thought that perhaps there are three more women waiting to date him or are dating him. Wait a few days and leave him a sincere voicemail. State that you enjoy his company and would love to see him soon. Then walk away from it. If he calls at some point, you will get some clarity. Cut your losses.

Online dating is a world of disposable hearts. Additionally, some people forget how to deal with others in a normal fashion. The new normal is texts, emails and other electronic stuff.

Personally, I have found that it is easy to get caught up in the electronic game and it's difficult to make phone calls.

Sorry this is happening to you. It does stink.
- July 18th, 2009, 02:35 pm
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littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
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legend29 wrote :
First..welcome to the boards Portland Princess! You will find great advice here.

Now...to address your conundrum...I am very sorry this happened to you. Sometimes online dating can leave a person feeling rejected and thus forever jaded about dating and men.

[snipped for brevity]
You said all the smart and true things I would have said had I not been too lazy to type it all up. You've been doing that all day. If you keep it up, I'm going to stop posting and simply stalk and +1 all your posts.

OP, I've noticed that as women we tend to do this thing where we say "He was great, but..." and we focus on the great and try to discount or change the "buts." The buts are important. Pay more attention to them next time out and don't let your optimism override your good judgement.

I tend to be a generous person to when it comes to gifts or doing things for people I like. I try to curb this with new men until they've been around long enough to earn it. If I do go ahead and do it, I do it for me and not for them.

The best thing is to try and match your level of enthusiasm/contact/etc. to his...within reason. If he is pushing more contact than seems reasonable for someone you don't really know that well, you put the brakes on it. In terms of gifts/contact, etc., reciprocate but don't initiate, at least until you determine that his level of genuine interest is somewhat equal to yours.

Finally, a man who claims to have a stalker would be a dealbreaker for me. I dated a man whose ex stalked him (and by extention, me). Whether she is someone who he is playing or whether she is truly an unwelcome intrusion in his life, his actions and response to her are innapropriate.
- July 18th, 2009, 02:53 pm
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Portland_Princess Portland_Princess is offline
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Thank you everyone for the advice.
I sent the Prince a message on eHarmony and closed the match. It was basically asking why he blew me off. after such a great time and that I was moving on. He sent back a mail aologizing and explaining that his ex has decided to begin a custody battle. I felt awful (because I was too self-absorbed in why he was blowing me off after a week than realizing that it had nothing to do with me really).
At this point, I hope he gives me a second chance (and I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions). I really should have calmed down. He says he will call me when he gets a chance too (but obviously he's a little preoccupied now). Based on the months of talking to one another and our meeting, he really is worth it and I've had lunch with other men I've met on eHarmony and felt absolutely nothing (like meeting a brother). He was/is different. I haven't spoken to him yet, though.
- July 20th, 2009, 07:30 pm
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last12C last12C is offline
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Portland_Princess wrote :
Thank you everyone for the advice.
I sent the Prince a message on eHarmony and closed the match. It was basically asking why he blew me off. after such a great time and that I was moving on. He sent back a mail aologizing and explaining that his ex has decided to begin a custody battle. I felt awful (because I was too self-absorbed in why he was blowing me off after a week than realizing that it had nothing to do with me really).
At this point, I hope he gives me a second chance (and I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions). I really should have calmed down. He says he will call me when he gets a chance too (but obviously he's a little preoccupied now). Based on the months of talking to one another and our meeting, he really is worth it and I've had lunch with other men I've met on eHarmony and felt absolutely nothing (like meeting a brother). He was/is different. I haven't spoken to him yet, though.
Ack! Don't go feeling all guilty and cowed! You have nothing to feel guilty about. He violated the basic rules of polite society by ignoring your communications and kind gestures. The fact that he might be dealing with a bump in the road does not negate his need to deal with you courteously. You don't even know if he is telling you the truth. A couple of months of emails and phone calls does not equate to your knowing him well enough to suggest that he is "not like that" or making excuses for him. You don't know him and you cannot allow yourself to believe that you know someone that you have not had a substantial face-to-face relationship with. If he was dealing with something like he described he could STILL have let you know that something was interfering with his communications with you even if he didn't feel comfortable sharing the details. His after-the-fact dramatic excuse changes nothing. Don't get suckered into giving him a total pass and letting him turn it all over onto you, making you feel bad.

If I were in this situation I would just tell him to get back to me when he got his life together and I would not communicate with him any further. I would date others and if he got back to me at a later date he would be starting back at square one. I realize that sounds harsh, but I've heard folks roll out sad stories in order to pull themselves out of the fire and manipulate others far too often. Regardless, he needs to get his life in order before he gets involved with you or any another woman. If you do not act as if you are valuable no man is ever going to see you as such.
- July 20th, 2009, 08:25 pm
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legend29 legend29 is offline
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
You said all the smart and true things I would have said had I not been too lazy to type it all up. You've been doing that all day. If you keep it up, I'm going to stop posting and simply stalk and +1 all your posts.

OP, I've noticed that as women we tend to do this thing where we say "He was great, but..." and we focus on the great and try to discount or change the "buts." The buts are important. Pay more attention to them next time out and don't let your optimism override your good judgement.

I tend to be a generous person to when it comes to gifts or doing things for people I like. I try to curb this with new men until they've been around long enough to earn it. If I do go ahead and do it, I do it for me and not for them.

The best thing is to try and match your level of enthusiasm/contact/etc. to his...within reason. If he is pushing more contact than seems reasonable for someone you don't really know that well, you put the brakes on it. In terms of gifts/contact, etc., reciprocate but don't initiate, at least until you determine that his level of genuine interest is somewhat equal to yours.

Finally, a man who claims to have a stalker would be a dealbreaker for me. I dated a man whose ex stalked him (and by extention, me). Whether she is someone who he is playing or whether she is truly an unwelcome intrusion in his life, his actions and response to her are innapropriate.
Yes...lately I do have my moments of clarity...I really must watch that or people will think I have a brain after all!

Great advice..everything you posted was ME 3 years ago...I think (and hope) I have become more dating savvy since then..only time will tell
- July 20th, 2009, 08:42 pm
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Portland_Princess Portland_Princess is offline
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last12C wrote :
Ack! Don't go feeling all guilty and cowed! You have nothing to feel guilty about. He violated the basic rules of polite society by ignoring your communications and kind gestures. The fact that he might be dealing with a bump in the road does not negate his need to deal with you courteously. You don't even know if he is telling you the truth. A couple of months of emails and phone calls does not equate to your knowing him well enough to suggest that he is "not like that" or making excuses for him. You don't know him and you cannot allow yourself to believe that you know someone that you have not had a substantial face-to-face relationship with. If he was dealing with something like he described he could STILL have let you know that something was interfering with his communications with you even if he didn't feel comfortable sharing the details. His after-the-fact dramatic excuse changes nothing. Don't get suckered into giving him a total pass and letting him turn it all over onto you, making you feel bad.

If I were in this situation I would just tell him to get back to me when he got his life together and I would not communicate with him any further. I would date others and if he got back to me at a later date he would be starting back at square one. I realize that sounds harsh, but I've heard folks roll out sad stories in order to pull themselves out of the fire and manipulate others far too often. Regardless, he needs to get his life in order before he gets involved with you or any another woman. If you do not act as if you are valuable no man is ever going to see you as such.
Thank you for the reality check/wake up call.
I'm going to take a mini-break from dating (since I liked him so much and this is taking a lot out of me and I really don't want to get this close to anyone right now and be left feeling the way I do now before I analyze myself a bit). I need to figure out why I fell so hard so quickly with him and work on myself for a couple of weeks. Besides, it wouldn't be fair to anyone else (I'd only be comparing them to Ben and he's a tough act to follow).
- July 21st, 2009, 01:30 am
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Oregon_Coast_Guy Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline
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Sorry you got blown off. But you should relocate to PDX anyway. It's a great town. It is somewhere I'd like to be someday.
- July 21st, 2009, 02:39 am
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