Glover8o7 is offline Glover8o7 Post #1  July 16,2009, 7:01pm
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Hello world, this is my first post on here, and I'm looking for questions about my relationship. I want to know- if in the end is it worth trying to keep my relationship with my current boyfriend. We have been dating for 4 years now, and I am 19 years old, he is 21.

Everything was perfect when we started dating back in High school, it was the best thing that could possibly happen to me. There was literally nothing wrong with anything. Neither of us had a car, or a job (well he and his mom shared a car), we were both going to high school and that was that. The next 2-3 were still the same, we grew, we changed a bit, he did do the worse thing possible to each other (cheat/sexual acts with other people) and my trust for him has grown bitter since he has "cheated" more times than I did (that sounds really bad but its was a long story and I had no better way of putting it).
He was out of High school and joined the Navy, was stationed in San Diego, CA and had a few much to drink and you know the rest...There was once when I was in a mental hospital recovering from a suicide attempt, during my stay there he had met up with a high school friend and they ..mm..did the dirty- no alcohol was involved. A third time I was on vacation in the OBX, he threw a party, had too much to drink..yea yea same as before. and the last one was when he went to Maryland with a friend to visit a old friend from High school and his girlfriend. Once again, too much to drink.

I wasn't any angel from above. I had cheated 3 times, once with my ex because I was having second thoughts about my relationship and that had happen out of anger, and the other 2 times was because of alcohol.
Since those times. I have stopped drinking all-together, for one I was underage and i didn't like what was happening when I was out with friends and such, I stopped for good. My boyfriend still continued to drink and when he turned 21 it just seemed like it got worse, since he was legal and could do it anyways. I still tell him to this day that I can not trust him when hes drinking and I'm not there. I have tried several things to help build our trust.

His friends have been putting bad influence's onto him, since then, he has been drinking more, buying more, started smoking, he started selling his medication for extra money, and helping his friend sell weed. All of theses things concern me greatly and I worry for him every second that I am not around. I always tell him of the dangers he is getting into and he just tells me to stop treating him like I'm his mom- he doesn't realize how much he means to me after 4 years. Its hard to just leave..I have recently moved back into my moms house because I thought he would realize how much he misses me back at his house if I moved, well it didn't. I think it made things worse to be honest. He says that we spend too much time together and that I "smother" him sometimes, and that he needs his "personal life" away from me, but its hard to trust him, I try. I don't know what to do. I love this boy to death, despite our age (yes people have said "your young and beautiful you can get any guy you want", well its easy said than done, I have really low self confidence, which is why I don't want to break up with him, because I am afraid of being alone). We had talking so much about getting our own place (hes still living with his mom), about getting married, having kids later on down the road..but I cant be with someone that is hurting me like this. I try to explain to him how I feel sometimes and he says that I have to "accept him for the way he is because he isn't changing for anyone, and that if I cant accept him for who he is than we cant be together". He is so bi-polar with that because there are time when he says stuff like "baby you mean so much to me, I don't know what I would do without you, I have trouble sleeping every night your not here" blah blah then other times hes like "if you want to break up fine" you know?

My question is, is it worth still trying to fix this relationship? I have read many many articles on this site and they are all right. I wish he would take the time to read some of them, they all seem like that are written just for me. :[
Please help, thanks.
-Liz
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #2  July 17,2009, 4:48pm
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Welcome to the EHadvice boards Glover8o7!

It appears that both of you have done your fair share of damaging this relationship beyond repair. I do commend you for recognizing that alcohol played a contributing part in bad decision making and giving it up.

Being in the military is no excuse for cheating on a girlfriend or wife. That behavior is just plain wrong. There are so many people in the military that do honor the relationship they are involved with.

I would suggest moving on. I would also suggest that you get as much education as you can so that you are not financially dependent upon any man. Good luck
 
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drwill911 is offline drwill911 Post #3  July 17,2009, 5:41pm
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Glover8o7 wrote :
There was once when I was in a mental hospital recovering from a suicide attempt,... He says that we spend too much time together and that I "smother" him sometimes, and that he needs his "personal life" away from me,... I don't know what to do. I love this boy to death.....but I cant be with someone that is hurting me like this.... there are time when he says stuff like "baby you mean so much to me, I don't know what I would do without you, I have trouble sleeping every night your not here" blah blah then other times hes like "if you want to break up fine" you know?

My question is, is it worth still trying to fix this relationship?
Please help, thanks.
-Liz
Liz,

I am very very serious. You need to seek the advice of a mental health professional. This cannot be handled through an advice column. Please, this is important to you future.

In my 30 years of counseling experience, anyone that is suicidal can also be homicidal. It is just a matter of what happens with their lover to tip them over the scale. Re: steve McNair.

This relationship is not healthy for you. Your boyfriend is playing the kind of head games with you that can lead you to ending both of your lives or you ending his life and ending up spending the rest of your life in prision.

Don't think you can handle this situation on your own, Liz, please have a talk with a LICENSED professional.

I love you, GOD loves you, and there's nothing you can do about it!
 
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tweet37 is online now tweet37 Post #4  July 17,2009, 6:09pm
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You seem to be just one step away from an open relationship and there are other websites for that.
 
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Glover8o7 is offline Glover8o7 Post #5  July 17,2009, 6:46pm
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angelofmerci wrote :
Welcome to the EHadvice boards Glover8o7!

It appears that both of you have done your fair share of damaging this relationship beyond repair. I do commend you for recognizing that alcohol played a contributing part in bad decision making and giving it up.

Being in the military is no excuse for cheating on a girlfriend or wife. That behavior is just plain wrong. There are so many people in the military that do honor the relationship they are involved with.

I would suggest moving on. I would also suggest that you get as much education as you can so that you are not financially dependent upon any man. Good luck

Thank you for your reply, I sometimes think its best too. Its like a horrible cycle of breaking up and getting back together. I am currently getting the rest of my money that he owes me back, and saving up, to hopefully be able to be on my own soon. I told myself that I would never date a smoker and I plan to stick with it.

tweet37 wrote :
You seem to be just one step away from an open relationship and there are other websites for that.
What are you trying to say? I dont believe in open relationships sorry, I would never be in one.
 
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tweet37 is online now tweet37 Post #6  July 18,2009, 1:38pm
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Glover8o7 wrote :



What are you trying to say? I dont believe in open relationships sorry, I would never be in one.
I didn't say you were in an open relationship. With all the extra-relationship sex going on you are one step away from one. Some may argue that if either of you cared at all for the others you had sex with, you may as well be in an open relationship.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  July 18,2009, 1:53pm
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Hi Liz,

I really think that unless he changes his ways, that you need to extract yourself from this guy. Get out and meet other people, as difficult as that may be for you.

Right now, because you have been with him for so long you have that investment. I'm sure that you keep looking back on the good times and wishing for those again. This guy is clearly someone that is not ready for a commitment. Are you REALLY ready for one?

In my opinion, sometimes it's good to be alone. Figure out who you are as a person. It's amazing how many people really don't know! Spend time doing frivilous, fun things with your female friends (woo lots of "f's" there) and not so much heavy lifting on a relationship that really isn't one. He sounds like he wants to live how he wants and for you to sit back and still be there. Let him, but make it clear to him that you are moving on. Then really move on. Do not let this guy pull you back in.

Take time to figure out, again, who YOU are and when you feel comfortable 6 months or a year down the road, if he is different (and I mean TOTALLY different) and is still pursuing you. Consider it. Otherwise, if he can move on, let him.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #8  July 18,2009, 2:13pm
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Hi Liz!

You both did things in hs most kids usually do - date, have sex, party, cheat. You are now out of hs and it sounds like you have learned from your mistakes and want to move on and grow. The bf unfortunately, doesn't seem to want to move on with you.

You're probably tired of hearing this already but it's true - you are still young and have about 80 more years of life. You will love many people in your life for different reasons, but not all will be healthy for you. In order to grow you need to remove the toxins from your life. It is perfectly fine and normal for you to love this guy and you probably always will because he was your first love, but you are not obligated to stay with him or in his life because of that.

My advice is to break away and gently explain it to him. You have to be stronger than he is weak. He will come around eventually but right now his new-found freedom has got him snared. Let him be so he can discover it for himself. You should move forward with your life as well, and remember those lessons you learned.

 
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