harmony1234 is offline harmony1234 Post #1  July 16,2009, 11:23am
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I have been dating this guy for about 9 months now and I guess it never really started off as easy from the beginning. Though in this time things have started to get a lot better as we've come to understand each other better and open up more.
The problem is, a couple days ago some stuff came out that related to trust issues that I have and some things I had done because of those. Snooping through facebook and emails and things and some other stuff which I am pretty ashamed and embaressed about. He broke up with me because of all of that, and his friends had a pretty direct influence because they are the ones who found all of it out first. They now all hate me because of it, and my ex bf is so embaressed about everything. He still tells me he loves me and is so sad about what has happend, and he doesn't know what to do. I keep telling him things will blow over and things will get better, but he isn't sure and says he needs time.
The thing is, he is in a band that are recently signed to a major label. Which means they are going to be touring a lot and going to be gone away a lot. Though I felt the need to look through his stuff, I never thought he would cheat on me. I was just insecure about who he was talking to. I'm just wondering if it is worth it to get back together, or if I can handle dating someone who's going to be touring all the time. I know it can be done because people do it all the time, and am I wrong to not give it a chance just because I'm insecure? I love the guy so much, but my head and heart are torn. I just feel completely lost in this situation.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  July 16,2009, 11:48am
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"I need time" = "I'm not interested"

Next time stay OUT of his stuff and focus on your own life.
 
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pds857 is offline pds857 Post #3  July 16,2009, 12:18pm
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You really violated his trust by goin through his things, if someone did that to me, it'd be a tough pill to swallow.
I'm pretty much an open book for who ever might be interested, there are things bout myself or somethin I like to do that I might want to keep to myself. I certainly wouldnt like to find out that my SO has been snoopin into those things.

If he's goin on tour, an your relationship is already rocky or really not even there, what's the point of holdin out for somethin that will be even harder now since you've done this snoopin, it will probably end up being brought up every other time you get into a spat.

How can you trust him when he's on the road when you cant even trust him now? Your tryin to hold onto him when it might jus be in your best interest to let it go.

Thats my thoughts anyway.
There are plenty more guys out there an maybe some day you'll learn to relax an let those trust issues go in the wind because they are not gonna help ya.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #4  July 16,2009, 12:30pm
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Whether you are going to be able to get things back on track with your boyfriend or not, your trust issues are ones that only you can work on. Although you've certainly "learned your lesson" here about snooping, that still doesn't mean that you have addressed the basis of your insecurities. And, it sounds like they are rearing their ugly head again with the prospect of his going on the road.

This might be a good time for you to try some therapy (e.g., with a clinical psychologist) to see if you can tackle those personal issues. Otherwise, this is going to be a problem for you in whatever relationship you're in...

Good luck to you...
 
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Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #5  July 16,2009, 1:56pm
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harmony1234 wrote :
I have been dating this guy for about 9 months now and I guess it never really started off as easy from the beginning. Though in this time things have started to get a lot better as we've come to understand each other better and open up more.
The problem is, a couple days ago some stuff came out that related to trust issues that I have and some things I had done because of those. Snooping through facebook and emails and things and some other stuff which I am pretty ashamed and embaressed about. He broke up with me because of all of that, and his friends had a pretty direct influence because they are the ones who found all of it out first. They now all hate me because of it, and my ex bf is so embaressed about everything. He still tells me he loves me and is so sad about what has happend, and he doesn't know what to do. I keep telling him things will blow over and things will get better, but he isn't sure and says he needs time.
The thing is, he is in a band that are recently signed to a major label. Which means they are going to be touring a lot and going to be gone away a lot. Though I felt the need to look through his stuff, I never thought he would cheat on me. I was just insecure about who he was talking to. I'm just wondering if it is worth it to get back together, or if I can handle dating someone who's going to be touring all the time. I know it can be done because people do it all the time, and am I wrong to not give it a chance just because I'm insecure? I love the guy so much, but my head and heart are torn. I just feel completely lost in this situation.
It's not his job to be an emotional crutch to you. Looking through his stuff was a pretty big no no. You can probably continue to be friends, but you can never mention your feelings again. His barriers are up now and his priorities aren't focused on you anymore. Even his friends influence him to avoid you. It's not surprising, is it?

You should take this bitter experience as a reminder to be secure with yourself before trying to be secure with someone else.
 
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harmony1234 is offline harmony1234 Post #6  July 16,2009, 7:16pm
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I am going to work on my issues, which I should've dealt with a long time ago. I guess I needed something drastic like this to kick myself in the ass and deal with it. I am going to be going to counselling to help with this, which is a step in the right direction.
I feel that if a person really cared enough about the relationship, they'd want to make it work. I did invade his privacy and did do things I wasn't so proud of. But can't those kind of things be worked on? And if he feels that it can't, then that seems to me that the relationship wasn't that important to begin with. Especially if you can let other people influence you as much as this. I understand that I will need to give him some time, but how much time is too much? When is it time to just move on? I really do not want to let him go, and committed to bettering myself and make this work. I'm just not sure how much I should put up with. And if he's telling me he loves me and misses me, is that just BS, or something that should give me hope?
Last edited by eH_Advice_Host_Kate; July 19,2009 at 12:52pm.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #7  July 17,2009, 4:37pm
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I think it is time to move on. Your guy may still love you but he is your ex for a very good reason. His being a muscian only complicates matters as they along with actors are two of the most insecure types of personalities. Even if you two got back together you would always be wondering if he was sampling the groupies or worse yet doing drugs and drinking heavily. Dust yourself off and find another man but this time no snooping. Good luck
 
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chrlesmd is offline chrlesmd Post #8  July 17,2009, 6:18pm
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Nanette wrote :
"I need time" = "I'm not interested"

Next time stay OUT of his stuff and focus on your own life.
+1...
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #9  July 17,2009, 11:57pm
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Nothing to see here at all...

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Why am I getting a deja vu feeling here?
I could almost bet I had already commented on this thread before... well, maybe I was dreaming, happens to me even during the day from time to time

On a serious note -
If you are Completely Confused, you need to take a time-out for a little while, to digest and come to terms with the situation. Tell him about it, so that he is not left Completely Confused by your withdrawal.

Try to understand what motivated you to snoop and why you chose this method instead of other available ways to hande thte situation.

If after a while you cannot progress from Completely Confused to Just Confused, I would suggest to take a break from this relationship altogether - at least temporarily, and maybe permanently. Listen to your gut and your head on this.

If you can get to Just Confused within a relatively short period of time - TALK to him. Make sure all cards are out on the table and there are no more unpleasant surprises to uncover, on either side. Did anything you uncovered in your search bother you? If so, why? Can he set your mind at ease? Then negotiate a new way to handle insecurities on both sides in the future, other than humiliating each other by snooping - communication works wonders in my book, but that's old news around here, and getting somewhat boring, even listening to myself

Best of luck! I hope you can work it out.
Last edited by IcecreamMoon; July 18,2009 at 12:01am.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #10  July 18,2009, 12:17pm
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harmony1234 wrote :
I am going to work on my issues, which I should've dealt with a long time ago. I guess I needed something drastic like this to kick myself in the ass and deal with it. I am going to be going to counselling to help with this, which is a step in the right direction.
I feel that if a person really cared enough about the relationship, they'd want to make it work. I did invade his privacy and did do things I wasn't so proud of. But can't those kind of things be worked on? And if he feels that it can't, then that seems to me that the relationship wasn't that important to begin with. Especially if you can let other people influence you as much as this. I understand that I will need to give him some time, but how much time is too much? When is it time to just move on? I really do not want to let him go, and committed to bettering myself and make this work. I'm just not sure how much I should put up with. And if he's telling me he loves me and misses me, is that just BS, or something that should give me hope?
I hear a lot of anger in this post...and not a great deal of convincing contrition about your own contribution to the problem. You betrayed a trust and got caught doing it. Any reasonable person, no matter how much they might care for you, would pause at getting more involved with you at this point. Your words "how much I should put up with" and your references to him being easily influenced by his friends indicate to me that you truly don't understand the depth of what you did.

You need to commit to bettering yourself because it is the right thing to do, because it will allow you to be trustworthy as well as to trust, and you need to acknowledge that he has the right to accept you or not as you are now, not as you wish to be.

Eight months is not that long compared to a lifetime. He is most likely evaluating whether or not he could spend a lifetime with you as you are now...and questioning the wisdom of that.
Last edited by eH_Advice_Host_Kate; July 19,2009 at 1:01pm.
 
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