Rudy3564 is offline Rudy3564 Post #1  July 14,2009, 10:11am
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My boyfriend of 2 years and I have been through some up's and down's. He is in the Military and has had to be away for a few months at a time and they he had to move to another state. We have had soem things to over come. He has been married twice and both times the woman have really hurt him. At first it was hard for me to accept the fact that his ex-wife with whom he has four children with is at every family party. He is not welcome to any of her family events. His mom loves her very much and told him that if he does not like it don't come so he just accepted it, well I have too. I don't think it is fair but not for me to say. that was his first wife. The second was super mean to his kids and to him. She used him and rang up huge debt and then left him for someone else.
He is very afraid of comitment and I can see why. Well, we had gotten into a fight and he would not talk to me and I left some horrible messages and said things I really did not mean but my anger got the best of him. He broke up with me. I was so hurt and super sorry for my words. Some time passed and now we are trying again. We live together and I felt something was not right and we talked. He told me he is very afraid of making a comitment. He said he love's me very much but since I said the things I did on the voicemails he feels he is not in love with me anymore. I'm trying to make things better by being clam and making things as nice as possible for him. Being thoughtful with dinners and back rubs, etc... I love him very much and want to sepent the rst of my life with him.when I asked him if I should leave, He said lets' keep trying and let's see what happens. I have really bad anxiety most days worrying and there are times when he smiles and I can see he is not really happy like we used to be.
what do I do/
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #2  July 14,2009, 1:17pm
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Is HE also doing things to make your relationship better, or just taking in all your back rubs, etc? It takes TWO to make a relationship work... if he's not actively participating but saying let's "just wait and see," I don't think that bodes well for your future together.

The line "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" is often a precursor to the ending of the relationship, but not always. Unless he's also trying to make your relationship better, you are probably just drawing out the inevitable.

PS - I don't get living together yet he is afraid of making a commitment. Living together IS a commitment! Your guy is probably more afraid of marriage than commitment. If getting married is important to you, you may be doing yourself a favor to look for it elsewhere.

Oh, and if you do decide to stick around with this guy, I suggest making friends with wife#1. Since she's the mother of his kids and the in-laws like her, she's going to be around forever.
 
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Geetysburg is offline Geetysburg Post #3  July 14,2009, 1:36pm
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That old line is a cop out. The end is near.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #4  July 14,2009, 2:04pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
Is HE also doing things to make your relationship better, or just taking in all your back rubs, etc? It takes TWO to make a relationship work... if he's not actively participating but saying let's "just wait and see," I don't think that bodes well for your future together.

The line "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" is often a precursor to the ending of the relationship, but not always. Unless he's also trying to make your relationship better, you are probably just drawing out the inevitable.

PS - I don't get living together yet he is afraid of making a commitment. Living together IS a commitment! Your guy is probably more afraid of marriage than commitment. If getting married is important to you, you may be doing yourself a favor to look for it elsewhere.

Oh, and if you do decide to stick around with this guy, I suggest making friends with wife#1. Since she's the mother of his kids and the in-laws like her, she's going to be around forever.



WW is right on the mark on this one. There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. You can love your dog, but would you marry him? If he is not in love with you, it is unlikely he will marry you.

She's right about the ex-wife too. Hard as it may be, it's best to get along with everybody. It just makes things easier.
 
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CNCFemale is offline CNCFemale Post #5  July 14,2009, 4:55pm
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I've been told the same thing. Especially when he thinks he's found "someone" who he thinks may be better than me. It's his excuse to make himself feel better about using you for what you GIVE him. Backrubs, Sex, Food, Companionship etc. I dumped mine after 4 years of on/off stuff. I'm too old for the childishness. He's always trying to coax and convince me he "loves" me still, but yet, if I don't respond the way he wishes, immediately, or try to explain why I am hurting by his actions/words etc. then he's GONE like the wind and says "OH WELL I TRIED" (he wasn't). if he is making NO or VERY LITTLE effort(you gotta be honest with this) he's using you. get out now while you still can. he's having his cake and eating it too.
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #6  July 14,2009, 5:30pm
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Having lived through something quite similar myself, I'd say that, unfortunately, he's either broken up with you emotionally or he's trying to manipulate you. Either way, it doesn't bode well.

You said bad things on the phone - we all have our less-than-lovely moments. I don't know you or your relationship, but if this is the first time you've blown up at him and he's ready to end it all, I'd wonder about the depth of his commitment in the first place.

Ask yourself how you're feeling about him and about the relationship. It sounds like you're filled with anxiety and fear. A loving relationship is supposed to sustain you and add to the quality of life, rather than drain you and keep you awake at night.

It's a tough place to be. I wish you strength and healing.
 
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Rudy3564 is offline Rudy3564 Post #7  July 16,2009, 3:53am
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Hello,
I want to thank you all for giving me your advice. I wanted to first say that I do get along with his ex and she has even said that she really likes me.His kids like me too as his second wife was very mean to them and him. I would never disrespect his ex in anyway at all. That is the mother of his children. His family invites her to every family function ( 4th of July bar b que or anything) but her family leaves him out and treats him like an out cast plus her sister talks bad about him in front of the kids He sent the mother of his kids on a $5,ooo vacation in tennessee and his mom and sister went too and they still treat him poorly. My boyfriend's brother is geting married and she ( his ex) is invited but her sister is getting married and he is not invited. Kinda double standard. Thias makes it hard because we have to drop off the kids and then come back and pick them up but with his family everyone is together.
Anyway, I wanted to say that he is trying to make things better. He says nice things or tells me I look nice or that he appreciates various things. He has huge issues from his first two marriages. when I met him he was living in his borthers basement, as she got everything.
My problem is that I get such bad anxiety andit's hard to breath. He will comfort me and tell me that he does love me very much but that he is so afraid. He told me that when you get married for the second time you really try hard and he said he did but she wanted someone else. The way he found out was by hugging his second wife and finding his number in her pocket. So he is very afaid, he has said he has huge fear. I have low self exteem and just worry and freak out that we won't last and I need to stop this and just give it my best but the anxiety just sometimes takes over. the advice help in several ways and I;m so grateful! Having different view points really helps me get a good well rounded look at our relationship.

If there is anything I can do please tell me.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #8  July 16,2009, 5:00am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
You can love your dog, but would you marry him?
Should we start a new thread with this one?
Judging by the profiles I've read on various dating sites, I'm pretty sure that some of our "matches" actually would, if only it were legal...

OP,
Please stop stressing so much!
The man obviously loves you and is devoted to you. The feeling of "in love" occasionally goes away. It's normal. We all make stupid mistakes from time to time, which do not exactly evoke the "in love" emotion in our partners. I believe your mistake was leaving voicemails, which probably in a tone that reminded your man why his 2 previous marriages failed in the first place.

But that's Okay - you are only human and you are allowed to make a few mistakes here and there. You certainly have my permission for that .

The foundation of your relationship built on love and desire to work through poblems together is solid. You just need to do a some repair work after a little hurricane. It can be done. The best place to start is to let go of anxiety and be the sexy, confident, kind and loving woman your man first fell in love with, and he won't be able to resist . Then you need to talk - honestly and openly, but camly and kindly about what brought his reaction on, just to make sure you both can avoid making the same mistakes in the future, and together figure out a better way of dealing with similar situations.

Don't worry, be happy! and Good Luck!
Last edited by IcecreamMoon; July 16,2009 at 5:04am. Reason: Don't forget to take a deep breath from time to time, and make out in between all the necessary talking :)
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #9  July 16,2009, 7:23am
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OK, gotta kinda disagree with the lovely IceCream (don't hurt me)... your relationship is flawed on a basal level. First is the fact that you both have what sounds like some major issues. He needs to address them on his own . Although you may think you are helping him, signs are you are enabling him to stay. If you really want to help him, kick him in the A22 and tell him to make it work. Codependency is a really nasty addiction to beat.

The nasty things you said. You made your bed there, sorry. You really need to suck up the pride, sit down and communicate that you did not mean what you said (personal attacks are incredibly hard to erase because they often cut open deep hardened scars). A back (or any other anatomy part) rub will not cut it: like putting band aid on knee when he has huge gash deep into his heart. Go back and address every thing you said in detail and why he should forgive you for saying them, otherwise he will never forget.

As for how the ex's in law's are disproportionately treating him, that's their problem. Do good. Play fair. If they don't want to, their loss, is absolutely no reason to stop being good.

For what it's worth, I was recently in similar relationship. Essentially enabled each other to stay in same crappy place (relationship ended amicably and I am sooooo happy now). It sucks being alone, but seems like both of you need to get some things straightened out. Yes I am in new relationship now, knowing that she will kick my A$$ all over the place (figuratively speaking, but I think she could and would do it if she had to) if I even think of feeling sorry for myself or trying to rely on her for sympathy.

Oh krap, what have I done??? I can hear IC loading her ink machine gun.... running for cover!!!!
Last edited by olneyjeeps; July 16,2009 at 7:31am.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #10  July 16,2009, 2:51pm
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olneyjeeps wrote :
OK, gotta kinda disagree with the lovely IceCream (don't hurt me)... your relationship is flawed on a basal level. First is the fact that you both have what sounds like some major issues. He needs to address them on his own . Although you may think you are helping him, signs are you are enabling him to stay. If you really want to help him, kick him in the A22 and tell him to make it work. Codependency is a really nasty addiction to beat.

The nasty things you said. You made your bed there, sorry. You really need to suck up the pride, sit down and communicate that you did not mean what you said (personal attacks are incredibly hard to erase because they often cut open deep hardened scars). A back (or any other anatomy part) rub will not cut it: like putting band aid on knee when he has huge gash deep into his heart. Go back and address every thing you said in detail and why he should forgive you for saying them, otherwise he will never forget.

As for how the ex's in law's are disproportionately treating him, that's their problem. Do good. Play fair. If they don't want to, their loss, is absolutely no reason to stop being good.

For what it's worth, I was recently in similar relationship. Essentially enabled each other to stay in same crappy place (relationship ended amicably and I am sooooo happy now). It sucks being alone, but seems like both of you need to get some things straightened out. Yes I am in new relationship now, knowing that she will kick my A$$ all over the place (figuratively speaking, but I think she could and would do it if she had to) if I even think of feeling sorry for myself or trying to rely on her for sympathy.

Oh krap, what have I done??? I can hear IC loading her ink machine gun.... running for cover!!!!
Yeah, you are not wrong on either of those very dark-colored statements! And you keep forgetting that it's not just plain vanilla Ice Cream you are dealing with here, it's a very uncommon, even special, flavor that comes all the way from the Moon, with all the ensuing implications of that.

The relationship is not flawed, the issues are not major faults - they are both human and both have flaws, his are in his anatomy (if you insist ) and hers are in her flawed words; both can be fogiven and overcome with the right motivation and intent, and the right kind of medicine of love. And Codependency is not as dirty a word as it is portrayed in the popular medium of the self-help industry . It can actually be of great help in this situation, as long as it is not confused with just Dependency.

And please stop disagreeing with IC when your own motivation is to agree with IC and even M. And you should certainly Do Good and Play Fair!!!

As for kicking of any kind, it is simply not allowed on the Moon, and neither is any kind of A$$, so leave them both at the door, please!

Love you all, or should I say all of yous?!
 
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