Please, call it like you see it.


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LakesOfFire is offline LakesOfFire Post #1  July 12,2009, 1:00am
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After two years of self-imposed celebacy, I started to seriously consider dating again. I subscribed to eHarmony for a few months with no luck, but recently met someone in my area. She made an fantastic first impression - I couldn't resist asking for her number, and we had a great first date. Conversation over dinner got pretty serious as we both opened up about our pasts. While most of my prior partners were crazy women living extraordinary lives, this one seems to be an extraordinary woman living a crazy life. I hope to see her again next week, but I worry about what appears to be great potential for both joy and disaster. I'm hoping that others with more dating experience than I will give their impressions and advice.

What's good - she's in her mid-twenties with a BA in business; she's got a wonderful personality, a quick wit and an infectious smile; she spends Sundays in church and bible study; she maintains close relationships with her parents, siblings and cousins; she is incredibly beautiful and in great shape; she texts frequently and spontaneously, which makes me feel like she thinks about me as often as I think about her.

What's challenging - she has two children she cares for on her own, leaving her little personal time and keeps her overwhelmed and exhausted; she's seriously considering career opportunities within the military, which would very likely relocate her very far away.

What's bad - she's long been seperated, but not yet divorced, from a man following an episode of domestic violence, insists that he has been dating other women, and that they will not be reuniting; her family's religious convictions would make it impossible for me to meet her parents or have a relationship with her children under any circumstances until this split is finalized.


I really want this to work, and I have a nagging doubt that her many wonderful qualities are outshining a bleak reality. For better or for worse, I would very much like to hear from people who faced similar experiences.
 
 
neardc is offline neardc Post #2  July 12,2009, 1:30am
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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Just to provide a little additional information... Has she indicated whether a divorce is actually in process and what steps are needed to finalize it? What has been the holdup so far?
Last edited by neardc; July 12,2009 at 2:18am. Reason: Late night typo...
 
 
Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  July 12,2009, 2:02am
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Very insightful post.. Agree with your ..
"the good, the bad and the ugly" theory. How far into this are you? And are you prepared for this roller-coaster...and you know it will be... (or from your Crazy/extraordinary history with women), do you crave this type of drama? A women with this many complications and drama will be an exciting engaging emotional ride, however, when the ride is over,(which it will be because she is not even divorced yet, so rebound dump will happen ), Are you going to feel exhilarated or burned out?
LakesOfFire wrote :
After two years of self-imposed celibacy, I started to seriously consider dating again. I subscribed to eHarmony for a few months with no luck, but recently met someone in my area. She made an fantastic first impression - I couldn't resist asking for her number, and we had a great first date. Conversation over dinner got pretty serious as we both opened up about our pasts. While most of my prior partners were crazy women living extraordinary lives, this one seems to be an extraordinary woman living a crazy life. I hope to see her again next week, but I worry about what appears to be great potential for both joy and disaster. I'm hoping that others with more dating experience than I will give their impressions and advice.

What's good - she's in her mid-twenties with a BA in business; she's got a wonderful personality, a quick wit and an infectious smile; she spends Sundays in church and bible study; she maintains close relationships with her parents, siblings and cousins; she is incredibly beautiful and in great shape; she texts frequently and spontaneously, which makes me feel like she thinks about me as often as I think about her.

What's challenging - she has two children she cares for on her own, leaving her little personal time and keeps her overwhelmed and exhausted; she's seriously considering career opportunities within the military, which would very likely relocate her very far away.
What's bad - she's long been separated, but not yet divorced, from a man following an episode of domestic violence, insists that he has been dating other women, and that they will not be reuniting; her family's religious convictions would make it impossible for me to meet her parents or have a relationship with her children under any circumstances until this split is finalized.
I really want this to work, and I have a nagging doubt that her many wonderful qualities are outshining a bleak reality. For better or for worse, I would very much like to hear from people who faced similar experiences.
 
 
LakesOfFire is offline LakesOfFire Post #4  July 12,2009, 8:04am
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Neardc - That's really all the information I have on the status of her divorce. Being a first date, I tried hard to steer the conversation away from past relationships, which I've been advised by many is a "first date killer". Surely, when the subject was broached, I almost choked, but she was quick to assure me of the seperation. The subject will be revisited. At the moment, I believe the holdup may be money. Perhaps she, as a single parent of two young kids, can't afford the court fees to push this paperwork through. She's let on that her husband is somewhat antagonistic.

Wiseman2 - I met her six days ago. We've been on one date, and I hope to see her (and her oldest daughter - very surprised!) again within the next few hours. And there's been no physical contact beyond a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
I can't say that I'm particularly attracted to overly-emotional women. In many ways, I assume most single women's lives are dramatic, but now that I have time to think back - one complained that she might be bipolar, another claimed that she had OCD, and I regularly picked up anti-psychotic and anti-depressant prescriptions for the third - I guess my history may be a little stranger than some. I can't say I crave it, since all of those past relationships were instigated by the women, but I feel like I dealt with them better than another man might.
I'm confused and a little worried about what you referred to as the inevitable "rebound dump". Do you mean that you feel she is on the rebound, and that failure is assured? Or do you mean a sudden drop in tension when her divorce is finalized, dissipating the dramatic environment that many people crave?
 
 
txbubba is offline txbubba Post #5  July 12,2009, 8:33am

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so, technically, you're interested in a woman that's married
 
 
pamcam is offline pamcam Post #6  July 12,2009, 9:11am
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You've met her one time; just once. And you were celibate for 2 years. Is a still married woman someone you want to become more involved w/? You discuss how crazy some of the women were from your past? What about you--is this not crazy? Own half of the responsibility.

From what I see, she is still dependent upon and heavily influenced by her family, and that would be enough for me to move on, along w/ the drawn out divorce, if they've even filed.

What's crazy to me is that YOU appear to really want it to work, after only meeting her one time, and receiving the information that you did. I'm just suggesting that you look at how your own decisions, choices, and actions are contributing to the "craziness," particularly as you have a history of attracting a similar kind of woman, along w/ owning your part in it.

Simply chalk it up to timing...and make a different decision and choice. She's unavailable.
Last edited by pamcam; July 12,2009 at 9:17am.
 
 
scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #7  July 12,2009, 9:13am

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txbubba wrote :
so, technically, you're interested in a woman that's married
and possibly crazy.


 
 
LakesOfFire is offline LakesOfFire Post #8  July 12,2009, 2:05pm
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txbubba - In my first post, I said "she's long been seperated, but not yet divorced, from a man following an episode of domestic violence, insists that he has been dating other women, and that they will not be reuniting". Perhaps I could have been more clear in that they live in seperate homes and that she's raising their kids alone. He's not raising his kids, paying the bills... not being a husband or a father in any way, which is exactly the way she seems to want it since he's physcially abusive. Technically, I'm interested in a woman who is single in the eyes of everyone except Uncle Sam.

pamcam - I'm not sure what you find "crazy" about me being attracted to her or willing to give this relationship a chance. You say, "From what I see, she is still dependent upon and heavily influenced by her family, and that would be enough for me to move on" - while I described her relationship with her family ("she maintains close relationships with her parents, siblings and cousins") as a positive trait. In fact, I listed several great qualities in her that I make me so attracted to her, but you feel that none of these qualities are valid in the face of government bureaucracy.
Seriously, I don't need this relationship to work to be happy with myself or my life, but I'm not going to pass up what appears to be a great opportunity over something as petty as legal paperwork.

scarlet13 - Over the last two years, I've been encouraged to date on several occassions by several friends and parents. To all of them I responded, "Why? Why would I date? In the hopes that a woman would move into my home, eat all my food, drink all my beer, and spend all my money, then complain about what a selfish A-hole I am? Why?"
So yes, to seriously consider dating anyone under any circumstances requires a little madness on my part. ; )
 
 
pamcam is offline pamcam Post #9  July 12,2009, 2:23pm
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her family's religious convictions would make it impossible for me to meet her parents or have a relationship with her children under any circumstances until this split is finalized...

is what I was referring to. I want to be w/ an adult, w/ one who makes the decision as to when he feels he knows me well enough to meet his children; I'm not going to become involved w/ someone whose family and religion is calling the shots and making the decision, and already declaring a no admitance zone.

And I'd have a problem being matched w/ someone who was still married; more accurately I'd have a problem w/ someone who was still married who joined EH. Crazy.
Last edited by pamcam; July 12,2009 at 2:34pm.
 
 
txbubba is offline txbubba Post #10  July 12,2009, 2:24pm

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[quote=LakesOfFire;671683]txbubba - In my first post, I said "she's long been seperated, but not yet divorced, from a man following an episode of domestic violence, insists that he has been dating other women, and that they will not be reuniting". Perhaps I could have been more clear in that they live in seperate homes and that she's raising their kids alone. He's not raising his kids, paying the bills... not being a husband or a father in any way, which is exactly the way she seems to want it since he's physcially abusive. Technically, I'm interested in a woman who is single in the eyes of everyone except Uncle Sam.

quote]

perhaps i didn't make myself clear: so, technically you're interested in a married woman
 
 
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