JeanieG is offline JeanieG Post #1  July 11,2009, 9:33am
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Hello there! I've been dating a guy who's 8 1/2 years younger me (I'm 46 and he's 37) for about the past 8 months. We met online and usually get along great, although we have had our share of disagreements which (so far) we've been able to work through. We like to do many of the same things and usually have a great time no matter what we're doing. We laugh alot and have great chemistry. After we'd been dating for about 6 months, we decided to live together (he moved into my home but pays half the bills etc.) since he was basically at my house 99% of the time anyway. My problem is that I'm not 100% sure that he's as committed as I am in our relationship. I've caught him in several small and not-so-small lies which has put a huge crimp in the trust-factor between us. Having no trust has naturally led to having more arguments which I fear is now causing him to withdraw and question whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship. Of course, I've wondered the same thing myself. After catching him in some of the not-so-small lies and asking him if he really wants to stay in our relationship, he says that he does but I'm just not sure I can believe him any more. How do I know if he's in for the long haul or is just staying with me until he finds something better? Is it wrong to ask him to "prove" himself to me? How and when do I know if it's over especially if he says he still wants to stay in the relationship?
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  July 11,2009, 10:29am
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If either or both of you were "truly committed" you would be talking about marriage. I see no mention of it here.

Sorry. That's my opinion...

I am going to assume you (at least) want that, since you're living with him. If that is the case, you could tell him that's what you want, give him a date to figure it out (say 12 mos from when you met) and see what happens. He'll either step up to the plate, or he won't.

Again, just my opinion. I have no pony in this race.
 
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doctorwill139 is offline doctorwill139 Post #3  July 11,2009, 10:52am
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Jeanie, stop fooling yourself. You already answered your question with your question. If he has been dating/living with you for 8 months and HE is not already talking marriage, he is waiting for the one who he really wants to come along. Your gut is not lying to you. Listen to it and save your time, energy, and husband benefits for someone who is truly interested in marrying you.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #4  July 11,2009, 11:12am
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The OP never mentioned marriage.

One thing I'm most into is congruity between words and actions; if he just talks the talk, w/o walking it and following through w/ action, that would be a problem for me.

I'd reflect about what specifically that concerns and bothers me in this relationship, bring your concerns to him, and either resolve them mutually where each partner receives some of what they want, and turn a new page. It's hard to say when you didn't bring into the light what the big lies were.
 
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oostitch is offline oostitch Post #5  July 11,2009, 4:42pm
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everyones right jeanie, when you have a gut feeling about these things they are usually right. and you have caught him lying on several occasions from what you wrote. do not feel guilty if he's the one that's withdrawing from the relationship, he may want to make it seem like youre the one with the problem so he can have an excuse to end it. youve been with this man for 8 months, if after all this time you're still questioning his committment then you know there's a problem. good luck!
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #6  July 11,2009, 5:58pm
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Well, let's see.... What kind of lies are we talking about? Do you suspect that he's cheating on you?

I try to be optimistic, but the only way I'd know he's truly committed is if he's talking about marriage and proposes. Of course, this isn't absolutely necessary (many men are faithful and don't need to prove their fidelity with a ring or contract). But, if he knows that you'd like to get married (unclear whether you'd like to based on your post) and he hasn't talked about wanting to marry you, then he's probably not going down the commitment road...

...Best wishes & a huge hug for ya!
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #7  July 11,2009, 6:01pm
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Sorry, one more thing.... I'd stay away from asking him to "prove" anything. Your heart will help you determine if he's being sincere. Actions definitely speak louder than words....the former will prove to you everything you need to know to make an informed decision and stay/move on.
 
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blueshoe is offline blueshoe Post #8  July 11,2009, 8:06pm
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Yea have you confronted him about these lies?
Before I really even begin a relationship that looks like it has a good foundation..., if I see a pattern of these kinds of things I won't pursue it. In this case I am wondering if 6 months was long enough. I am not a strong proponent of sex before marriage primarily because if this continues with the both of you it's likely you might just be using each other.

If your really serious get professional counseling together if you want to make it work. Bravo with someone younger though thats cool !
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #9  July 13,2009, 10:28am
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Since I know nothing of the details of your relationship or the small or large lies, I am not in a position to tell you if he is committed or not. Only HE can show this to you.
 
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