Unemployed and he is costing me too much


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adonna is offline adonna Post #1  July 10,2009, 4:06pm
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This is a difficult situation because I believe in treating others as I would like to be treated. Also, I know things happen and we all have bad luck sometimes.

I've been dating a 50-year old man who lost his job a couple of months ago. Now, I am paying for everything we do. He had no savings and is taking money from his credit cards and borrowed money from me (just once). He's getting deeper and deeper into debt. It's costing me alot of money to pay for almost everything. Deep down I do understand and it could have been me and I am lucky to have a job.

I'm able to pay, however, sometimes I feel taken advantage of. I'm not catching up on any of my bills and am actually starting to fall behind on my financial goals. I resent him going to the gym and sleeping late while I work. I feel that while he waits for the perfect job situation, he could be looking for any work. He could rent out a room in his house. But he isn't. He drinks alot and smokes - and that costs money.

Am I selfish or is this a bad sign? I begin to dread getting together because each time it's costly. On a given week, between grocery shopping and going out or doing anything at all, I could spend $200-$300 or more per week.

Normally, I pay for every other time and I think that is fair.

Help.... I feel terrible about this but it bugs me to no end! I am responsible and saved my money over the years. I try to have a plan in case I loose my job. I would also do whatever job or rent out rooms if I have to. Is it unreasonable to frown on this situation? Should I be patient? He claims to have things lined up and will be making "good money" soon.

Thanks for any insight to this.....
Last edited by adonna; July 10,2009 at 4:09pm. Reason: typo
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #2  July 10,2009, 4:34pm
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No one is making you pay for all the dates and you don't have to do expensive things either. If you are not living together, what he does with his time as far as looking for a job or not is really his business.

It's simply a matter of telling him, Ex: "I can't afford to go out to dinner this week, let's do something that doesn't cost any money or pick up something gourmet at the grocery deli (which will be less expensive than going out), because I need to catch up on some of my bills".
Obviously, we don't know his exact circumstances (and maybe you don't either) as far as how hard or not he is looking for a job.

Only you can decide how long you can put up with it.
 
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ZisaGirl is offline ZisaGirl Post #3  July 10,2009, 4:43pm
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This would bug me to no end. I, like you, have saved money over the years, even through tough times, and I, like you, would resent him terribly for not finding ANY type of job. Something, ANYthing, to help out.

I have met 2 guys recently on EH, both in their early 50's, both of which are in horrible financial shape, due to lack of saving over the years and excess spending. Both coincidentally live in crummy, cheap apartments, and both coincidentally have mountains of debt.

I feel so shallow for feeling the same as you do: that dating these men costs just so much money, while I've scrimped and saved, cut coupons and declined vacations, etc., so I'd never be in this position.

You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him before deciding to proceed and no, you are not wrong for feeling this way.

Put it this way: Would you spend all this money on a friend who lost her job, but slept in and worked out while you worked hard? I mean, sure, let's have compassion, but wouldn't you expect your friend to find some way to contribute somehow? Why do we put up with this in relationships?
 
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adonna is offline adonna Post #4  July 10,2009, 4:50pm
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You are right, no one is making me pay. And I like your suggestion to simply say "I have to catch up on my bills".

I should have mentioned that we see each other several times a week and he is talking about living together. Since he complains of having no money, and says he's scraping up quarters around the house, I felt a bit obligated to pay. As a result, I feel it would be nice if he is putting some effort into a job search. Only since it's a financial burden on me, I would feel less used if he was putting effort into it.

So even buying stuff at the grocery store adds up fast. These days, just going to the beach is expensive. Even that adds up. It's frustrating....
 
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adonna is offline adonna Post #5  July 10,2009, 4:55pm
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Thanks! OMG, you made me feel so much better. Like you, I have passed on alot of things that he has not. I've lived modestly and worked very hard to save the little I have. It's amazing that these types of people simply have no cushion...nothing! He even drives a luxury car. He spent everything.

I guess basically, it's important to have the same approach to money as a compatibility.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #6  July 10,2009, 5:03pm
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adonna wrote :
You are right, no one is making me pay. And I like your suggestion to simply say "I have to catch up on my bills".

I should have mentioned that we see each other several times a week and he is talking about living together. Since he complains of having no money, and says he's scraping up quarters around the house, I felt a bit obligated to pay. As a result, I feel it would be nice if he is putting some effort into a job search. Only since it's a financial burden on me, I would feel less used if he was putting effort into it.

So even buying stuff at the grocery store adds up fast. These days, just going to the beach is expensive. Even that adds up. It's frustrating....
Thank you, I was hoping I wouldn't come across too mean.
The other thing that reminding him (gently) that you are not made of money accomplishes is that it may perhaps put a fire under him to get it together. Since you are talking about moving in together, maybe a little dialog might be in order as to "what his game plan is, how's it working, and what his plan B (if he can't find the dream job) is.
Perhaps, even a discussion about not moving in together until he is "more financially stable" would also get him in gear if he really wants to be with you and again, would also bring home the point that you are not there for a free ride.

During my first marriage when we were very young, my husband at the time lost his job and was taking his own sweet time looking for a job (he was a dreamer who expected a job at the top rather than starting from the bottom). I even told him at the time "I don't care if you work at McDonalds, just get a job". We ended up having to move in with his parents! 6 months later (for other reasons), we split up (while still living there).

Make sure you mention that if you move in together, any type of financial assistence would be appreciated and maybe he would consider accepting anything or work for a temporary service (I don't know what type of work he is looking for of course).
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #7  July 10,2009, 5:11pm
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adonna wrote :
I've been dating a 50-year old man who lost his job a couple of months ago. Now, I am paying for everything we do. Ask yourself why are you or why do you think you need to pay for everything. He had no savings and is taking money from his credit cards and borrowed money from me (just once). He's getting deeper and deeper into debt. This has nothing to do with you and it is not your responsibility. It's either his mismanagement of funds, lack of financial responsibility, or hard times. It's costing me alot of money to pay for almost everything. Deep down I do understand and it could have been me and I am lucky to have a job.

I'm able to pay, however, sometimes I feel taken advantage of. I'm not catching up on any of my bills and am actually starting to fall behind on my financial goals. Now this is affecting you. I resent him going to the gym and sleeping late while I work. But you are not living together - ask yourself why you resent this. He probably already had this membership and went while he was working. He also sleeps late because he can. I feel that while he waits for the perfect job situation, he could be looking for any work. Isn't he looking? Looking for work isn't a 40 hour a week job, and nowadays alot is done online and online is 24/7. He could rent out a room in his house. He could, but is that smart? Could you allow a stranger to live in your home? But he isn't. He drinks alot and smokes - and that costs money. Are you paying for these too?

Am I selfish Not at all. You are looking out for yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. or is this a bad sign? I begin to dread getting together because each time it's costly. On a given week, between grocery shopping and going out or doing anything at all, I could spend $200-$300 or more per week.

Help.... I feel terrible about this but it bugs me to no end! I am responsible and saved my money over the years. I try to have a plan in case I loose my job. I would also do whatever job or rent out rooms if I have to. Is it unreasonable to frown on this situation? Should I be patient? He claims to have things lined up and will be making "good money" soon.

Thanks for any insight to this.....
I don't blame you at all for being resentful, but unless he is manipulating you and you don't see it yet, you are making the choice to pay. You don't have to spend $$ to enjoy each other's company, and you don't have to mother him.

I think you should ask yourself why you feel the way you do. This could be a sign that he is a "whatever" kind of man where you are a planner. If this does not sit well with you now is a good time to decide if you want to go long-term with him. You could always have a talk with him but it sounds like you know him pretty well. Maybe what you really need to do is make a decision about your relationship.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #8  July 10,2009, 5:15pm
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A few thoughts on this...

* Did he spend tons of money with you when he had a job? Is he trying to keep up the caviar lifestyle while not getting a paycheck? I wonder if he is trying to keep up appearances (e.g. luxury car - is it paid off?) while in denial about his finances.

* Did you benefit from his generosity on the dates (i.e., did he take you to expensive restaurants and nice trips?) Maybe he feels that it's only fair that you reciprocate in his time of need.

* Is your guy divorced and maybe paying child support? Re: the comment about many guys living in modest apartments. I think guys get into tight financial situations for a variety of reasons, and divorce is probably a big reason. When the assets are split, the ex-wife gets the house for the kids, and the guy is paying child support, maybe alimony. There really isn't a lot of disposable income left.

* His psyche and self-image probably took a real beating when he lost his job, and he may be depressed, and that's why he looks like he's doing nothing to find another position.

Have a heart to heart talk with your guy. Let him know your money is tight too, and while you love being around him (right?) you'd like to cut down your expenses as well. Work out a solution together. Getting through the difficult times can help you two learn how deeply you can support each other. And if not, then it's time to move on.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #9  July 10,2009, 5:19pm
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adonna wrote :
You are right, no one is making me pay. And I like your suggestion to simply say "I have to catch up on my bills".

I should have mentioned that we see each other several times a week and he is talking about living together. Since he complains of having no money, and says he's scraping up quarters around the house, I felt a bit obligated to pay. As a result, I feel it would be nice if he is putting some effort into a job search. Only since it's a financial burden on me, I would feel less used if he was putting effort into it.

So even buying stuff at the grocery store adds up fast. These days, just going to the beach is expensive. Even that adds up. It's frustrating....
FLAG! FLAG! FLAG! He's a homeowner and is scraping up quarters? I'm afraid if you live together you will be paying for everything. Once you let someone move into your home and they establish residence, it will be difficult to get them out. PLEASE think seriously about this and do not allow yourself to be used. If you are financially sound and secure please look for someone who is. There are men out there looking for a free ride. Guess how I know this?
 
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adonna is offline adonna Post #10  July 10,2009, 5:32pm
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Like I mentioned before, I usually paid for every other time. Actually, even when he had a job, I paid for more than he did.

The car he bought right before he lost his job and he knew he was on the chopping block.

No kids, no payments to x-wives.

You have a great point, he may be feeling depressed and a good heart to heart is needed here. I think you have hit the nail on the head..... I have to have a chat with him. You guys all are making very clear that I need to talk to him. That will help me either get it out in the open and get past it or realize we are just too different in one very important area.

wow. good insight.

I'm learning from all you guys / gals that that will be a great thing to do. Just talk it out.
 
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