momofthree09 is offline momofthree09 Post #1  July 10,2009, 3:53pm
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I have been trying to make since of this since it happened. We were married for 12 yrs and because I couldnt take it anymore I left 5yrs ago. I didnt start dating for a while because it was hard for me to do... I still loved him! The decision i made was for my children. Well After i left a month later he was with someone else! I struggled with this for a long time! But I made the choice so I had to deal with it the best I could... I had to keep in mind what kind of Husband and Father he was. Its been five years now and he is still with the same woman. But just recently he has been i guess you can say flirting!! He finally admitted that he was the reason for our marriage failing, and up until then we had absolutely NO CONTACT!! He sees the kids on the weekends, but since the beginning of the seperation (yes we are still legally married), I had no contact with him because all those years I felt I had enough. I caught him staring at me, He showed up at my Aunts funeral ( in another town)!! and he sat next to me but during the service he took my ring finger and shook his head !! well there is more but Im trying to figure out WHY!! After all this time would he have the nerve to do this. I had absolutley no contact with him.. Im just puzzled and would like some advice.. Yes he is still with this woman!!
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  July 11,2009, 10:20pm
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In all honesty, the first thing I thought of when I read this is that the relationship with his s/o is starting to go south, and now he's warming back up to you. The flirting, admitting he was the reason for the marriage failing, showing up to the funeral, while nice gestures, could all add up to him wanting to come back to you, OR they could mean that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. The question is, would you really want to let him back into your life in either case? Personally, I wouldn't have remained married to him, but everyone has their own reasons for doing the things that they choose to do, and I don't know all of the details of your relationship. However, you've already been down this road with him, and you know how it turned out. You had your reasons for leaving, so do you think anything has changed?

Then there's the question of how to handle this. You kind of left the door open by remaining married to him and allowing him to have this other relationship, so maybe he feels he has a free pass to come back "home" when things aren't going so well. However, if this is not how you feel or what you want, then you need to speak up and tell him so, and you need to formally end the relationship. Besides, if you are both dating others (and I realize it took you longer to do so, but you are still doing it), why remain married to him?

I think there are a lot of mixed signals from both sides about what the other potentially wants here, and I think you each need to sort it out, be it separately or together.

I wish you all the best.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #3  July 11,2009, 10:57pm
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I'm sure you have your reasons, but I don't understand why you haven't gotten a divorce given the fact that he was with someone within a month after the separation. Leaving that door open does send some mixed signals.

I'd say there is a 99.9% chance that he is just looking to have you and this other woman at the same time. If he was truly pursuing reconciliation then the first thing he would do is cut ties with this other woman.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #4  July 13,2009, 10:25am
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Or that he is tired of the other woman and wants to go back to someone who is "comfortable".

He truly could regret what he had done to make you leave, but there was no mention in the message that he has changed and this is highly unlikely too.

And yes, you do need to finalize things!
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  July 13,2009, 4:28pm
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waltercl wrote :
I'm sure you have your reasons, but I don't understand why you haven't gotten a divorce given the fact that he was with someone within a month after the separation. Leaving that door open does send some mixed signals.

I'd say there is a 99.9% chance that he is just looking to have you and this other woman at the same time. If he was truly pursuing reconciliation then the first thing he would do is cut ties with this other woman.



I could not agree more.
 
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jomarie is offline jomarie Post #6  July 13,2009, 8:09pm
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I can see why you would have a hard time making sense of it all! Maybe it's time to serve him with divorce papers ?!!?? You never said specifically what made him a bad husband and father, but it must have really been difficult to leave someone you say you still loved. Maybe it's obvious to him? Do you STILL love him? Maybe he was just 'laying low' all these years waiting for you to 'come to your senses' and go back to him (I'm saying that from HIS perspective, not mine!), and he's deciding to make an attempt to see if he can warm you up to him again... Perhaps he's been waiting all this time, and hoping you would eventually come back. It's not a big surprise that he 'filled the void' with the new woman shortly after you left. I once heard it said that 'women mourn, men replace'....and it seems to be frequently true.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  July 14,2009, 10:04am
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The post below nails it. He has and probably cheat on you and anyone else again and again , both of you are putting up with him, she seeing a married man and you are married to a cheater..
waltercl wrote :
I'm sure you have your reasons, but I don't understand why you haven't gotten a divorce given the fact that he was with someone within a month after the separation. Leaving that door open does send some mixed signals.

I'd say there is a 99.9% chance that he is just looking to have you and this other woman at the same time. If he was truly pursuing reconciliation then the first thing he would do is cut ties with this other woman.
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #8  July 14,2009, 2:25pm
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He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Still being married to the guy 5 years later might be sending a message to him that the cake is still in the fridge for him. Why are you still married?
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #9  July 15,2009, 4:11am
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Life is too short to remain tethered and chained to an unfullfilling relationship. Who cares why...he is doing what he's doing now; the few "actions" he's taken are self-serving, meaningless, manipulative, and dishonest; he's feeding you crumbs; there's no substance. He is "in" a relationship w/ someone else, while still married to you, which doesn't speak highly of her self-esteem or self-respect. Yet you appear to be excited that your "husband," who has been living w/ someone else for 5 years, is flirting w/ you. ???????
Move on w/ your life.
 
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MizzS is offline MizzS Post #10  July 20,2009, 1:57pm
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momofthree09 wrote :
I have been trying to make since of this since it happened. We were married for 12 yrs and because I couldnt take it anymore I left 5yrs ago. I didnt start dating for a while because it was hard for me to do... I still loved him! The decision i made was for my children. Well After i left a month later he was with someone else! I struggled with this for a long time! But I made the choice so I had to deal with it the best I could... I had to keep in mind what kind of Husband and Father he was. Its been five years now and he is still with the same woman. But just recently he has been i guess you can say flirting!! He finally admitted that he was the reason for our marriage failing, and up until then we had absolutely NO CONTACT!! He sees the kids on the weekends, but since the beginning of the seperation (yes we are still legally married), I had no contact with him because all those years I felt I had enough. I caught him staring at me, He showed up at my Aunts funeral ( in another town)!! and he sat next to me but during the service he took my ring finger and shook his head !! well there is more but Im trying to figure out WHY!! After all this time would he have the nerve to do this. I had absolutley no contact with him.. Im just puzzled and would like some advice.. Yes he is still with this woman!!
That is extremely confusing though, maybe he his current relationship is currently sinking and he is trying to grab that life saver. Or he is having second thoughts about things, he says he admits it was his fault the relationship failed, had you considered a marriage consular before separating? Overall its going to be your decision but if he is with someone I wouldn't take him back, way to much drama.
 
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