florabell is offline florabell Post #1  July 9,2009, 10:57am
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Ok, I’m a bit new to all of this, so bear with me. I’ve been using Eharmony for 4 months and have not been very interested in most of my matches. Now, I’ve finally found a guy that piques my interest. We’ve gone through the guided communication stage, so our discussion will become more personal soon. The problem: my pictures do not show that I am very much overweight. I am. I am having weight loss surgery in a few weeks.
At this moment we are still in the getting to know each other stage without any conversations about meeting.
Since I am interested in this guy, I feel that I should tell him upfront that I have weight issues, but am taking steps to correct them. Even though I am one who firmly believes that relationships should be based on the soul and not the physical appearance, I still feel that most men would want to know about this. Should I tell him now? Later? And most importantly, HOW? I do not want to lose him, but it really is his decision to make. How can I initiate conversation on this topic without being dramatic? Again, Now? Later? How?

No, my profile did not mention weight. I wasn't trying to be deceptive, but I thought it best to see if someone liked me for just myself first.
Also, our communication has thus far been guided and only now reached the point where we can email our own personal thoughts. I feel that he is surely corresponding with other women; we have not talked about a personal relationship. It's not like we would be meeting very soon anyway. We live in different cities.
My surgery is 13 days away, and yes, I will be recovering for a while.
So, my question remains. When, where and how to tell him.
ps. thanks for the responses
Last edited by florabell; July 9,2009 at 1:09pm. Reason: more info
 
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pikliz124 is offline pikliz124 Post #2  July 9,2009, 12:14pm
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It is best to tell him the truth. You can also wait until you have to surgery and start seeing some results and then bring it up.
 
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islandrain80 is offline islandrain80 Post #3  July 9,2009, 12:19pm
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I agree, it's best to be honest. Did your profile mention weight if you didn't post full pictures?

You should be honest with him and also mention the future surgery.
 
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Zev is offline Zev Post #4  July 9,2009, 12:47pm
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It's not just a matter of honesty, but your surgery will also take up a large part of everything you do when it happens. You won't be well, you'll need support for a while - perhaps more than a new relationship can handle.
On the other hand, he may want to be there for you. It's only fair that you don't broadside him with the news of major surgery.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #5  July 9,2009, 1:20pm
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1) Regardless of when you meet, I imagine the surgery is going to come up in conversation - so better to be upfront. While your long-term goal is to lose the weight, this will not be immediate.

2) Go out now, take a full-length photo and post it to your account. Sure, dating is not only about appearances - but you are who you are, so why try to hide it? If I showed up to a date and discovered my date looked drastically different than his pictures, I would feel he's trying to be deceitful -- and I don't think you're trying to be that, so just go ahead and post it so there's no doubt.
 
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Sarandipity is offline Sarandipity Post #6  July 9,2009, 1:41pm
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I agree with Quick Study. I am currently in the same situation. I was on eHarmony before I never put a full body picture on my profile but you are who you are. This time I did. Honestly if someone likes you and wants to get to know you then this surgery and what you look like is all a part of you in addition to your personality. I would bring it up but not make a big deal about it. For example: you could say "I probably will not have access to my email for X days because I am having surgery and will be out of commission." that leaves it open for him to ask you about it or not. I am sure that if ya'll are meant be it won't matter. Good luck!!!
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #7  July 9,2009, 10:29pm
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First of all, you may be reading way more into this guy than you should -- you're only in guided communications and this guy could poof at any time, no matter what you say at this point!

It also appears you haven't put up any photo, or a body shot, so he is unaware that you are at a weight that qualifies for gastric bypass surgery. You're probably afraid of his reaction, possibly his rejection. But it's only fair to let him know that you're going to have this procedure done.

Once you've had surgery, your body is going to change a lot, and those photos are going to be irrelevant, if you stay compliant to the program. You can choose to wait till you've lost the weight while communicating online, and let him know you'd like to meet after you've completed your weight loss program. But it's likely he won't wait that long to see your new self, and move on.
 
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tweet37 is online now tweet37 Post #8  July 10,2009, 5:35am
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You should have been more forthcoming at the very start by posting a full-length photo but since you haven't met, it may not be too late so post one now.

Assuming you're having surgery to help with your weight loss you probably need to lose over 100 pounds and that's going to take quite a while - at least a year. It's best to bring this up in your conversations with him as soon as possible.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #9  July 10,2009, 5:46am
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You should probably hold off on the dating at all until you get through the surgery and recovery. Your health is the most important thing here.

And not to sound cynical, but most guys probably wouldn't want all of the complications in a budding relationship. Take care of yourself first. Good luck.
 
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