pikliz124 is offline pikliz124 Post #1  July 9,2009, 10:00am
pikliz124's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2009

Posts: 7

See profile

I really need some advice on what to do about the situation that I am in. Please read this with an open mind and leave all your misconceptions behind. Trust, jealousy, cheating or lack of love are not the issues here. I need help figuring out if I should let go of the feelings (and how) that I am having or to pursue them. Here is a brief background on my relationship.

My fiance and I have been together for close to six years. I am deeply in love with him and he is in love with me. I know that he is the person that I want to be with until I cannot be with anybody else. I lost my virginity to him and I have always wanted him to be my only. We have a close bond together because of the fact that I have never been with anyone else. I have come to realize that my sex drive is a lot higher than his. I want to try new things that he is not comfortable with. We have an agreement to have sex at least twice a week because sometimes we will go a month without having sex/making love. The weird thing is that I know he is very attracted to me (I am not an unattractive person). Most girls that he has pointed out to me to be attracted to has some feature of mine. As hard as it may seem, the fact is that he is not a sexual person.

Recently, I met a man (Ken) that I find very attractive and very pleasant to be around. Being that we are not a jealous couple, I told my fiance about my feelings toward Ken. To be more specific, I told him that I wanted to have sex with him. With Ken, I know that I could not have what my fiance and I have. I am mostly sexually attracted to him. Ken has made it very clear that he is not only sexually attracted to me but is slowly working towards winning me over in order for me to leave my fiance. My Fiance knows of Ken's feelings towards me but has allowed me to go on a couple of dates with him because unlike other teenagers, I never experienced dating.

I was hoping that after getting to know Ken a little more that I would slowly loose interest in him. Going out with him has confirmed the fact that I could not have him as a partner for the rest of my life because of our different views on life. But, I cannot get over the lust that I feel. I do not know how to make it go away. I do want my fiance to continue being the only person that I have ever had sex with but at the same time I want to have sex with this new man.

If I decide to have sex with Ken, it will ruin my relationship with my fiance.
I cannot end our relationship just so I can have sex with another man. That would be horrible of me. It would mean that I do not value what I have now, which would be a lie. I want what I have now and do not want to let it go. But, I also want something that I do not have and I know I cannot have both because my fiance is not alright with it.

My wish is for my fiance to be ok with me having sex with Ken because if he was in my situation I would have let him have sex with another female (I am not just saying this to make me look like the better person, this has actually came close to happening-but plans changed). He understands that I would let it go the other way if he wanted it but HE CANNOT GET HIMSELF TO ACCEPT ME BEING WITH ANOTHER MAN.

Anyway.. Please tell me your thoughts.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it my fault?

Please no guilt trips. I am human and am trying to handle this the best way that I can right now. If it was easy for me to just make myself stop feeling this way, I would have done so. I need a response that will make me see things and think about things in a way that my mind is incapable of doing right now because of all the cloudiness. I have had some great responses so far. Thank you everyone.

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR HELP. WE HAVE DECIDED TO TRY COUPLES THERAPY.
Last edited by pikliz124; July 10,2009 at 8:04am. Reason: to clarify things..
 
  Reply With Quote
pikliz124 is offline pikliz124 Post #2  July 9,2009, 10:03am
pikliz124's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2009

Posts: 7

See profile

I just want to make clear that I am not in my teens.
 
  Reply With Quote
dietpepsi is offline dietpepsi Post #3  July 9,2009, 10:15am
dietpepsi's Avatar

is happy.

Pacesetter

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 295

See profile

Wow, scandalous. Even more so if Ken offered you $1 million to sleep with him (and showed you a clean bill of health). Just kidding.

Hormones you can't control, but actions you can. We have all been tempted in many ways.

If you found a wallet on the street with $10,000 in cash and an ID in it, do you have enough empathy and moral conviction to return the money? $10K can buy some sweet toys, but will what you have gained offset another person's losses?

You clearly know the consequences -- so it's your decision on what to do with Pandora's Box.

Just recognize that you can't have your cake and eat it too.
 
  Reply With Quote
sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #4  July 9,2009, 10:46am
sabete2002's Avatar

About to celebrate one year with the best guy on the planet!

Veteran

Joined: Jun 2008

New Jersey

Posts: 2,335

See profile

Wow!

First off, your relationship with your fiance is lacking in one fundamental area. You either both need to work on this or realise that this issue will only get worse - you'll get married, it will continue being in issue until one of you walks or has an affair. In other words, fix the problem or realise that, even though you love your fiance, you might have to walk away.

Of course your fiance has a problem with you sleeping with Ken. It's very easy to say you wouldn't if the situation were reversed but it's easier said than done. Just suppose you do entertain this idea of sleeping with him. What then? The basic problem is still not addressed or resolved or maybe it is since your fiance may very well walk. If you are still so curious about exploring your sexuality, then maybe you shouldn't be engaged anyway.

But as someone else pointed out, you can't have your cake and eat it.
 
  Reply With Quote
Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #5  July 9,2009, 10:48am
Dafearon's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Maryland

Posts: 2,181

See profile

Your fiance's view is very common. Many of us do not want to think about our significant others being with another man or woman. For many, its an instant deal breaker, or a relationship ender.

Your feelings are your own. You're allowed to have them. But, you've made a commitment to your fiance? It would be very manipulative of you to put this on your fiance for not understanding your need. Your need is threatening what he sees as a relationship. Whose needs are more important? If you answer, yours, then you destroy the relationship. If you answer his, then you're denying yourself and not taking care of an issue that is obviously there.

So what is the answer here? Well, its simple really. What do you want? You obviously can't have both. Which is more important to you? As i said before, you are faced with a choice that is diametrically opposite of each other. You want to have both. You can't. So you must choose.
 
  Reply With Quote
blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #6  July 9,2009, 11:05am
blrdancer's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Mar 2009

St. Louis, MO

Posts: 293

See profile

pikliz124 wrote :
My Fiance knows of Ken's feelings towards me but has allowed me to go on a couple of dates with him because unlike other teenagers, I never experienced dating.
This part of your post really stands out to me -- because it seems to indicate this issue is bigger than different sex drives.

If this is how you feel -- this sense that you're "missing out" somehow (to the extent of actively pursuing these feelings) then you definitely do not need to be engaged. It's not fair to you and it's most definitely not fair to your fiancee. If acting on your feelings is that important to you, then you need to do him the courtesy of breaking things off. There's no guarantee he'll stick around for when you're done dating others (and if I were him I probably wouldn't).

If this just a matter of different sex drives, then you need to do one of two things. 1) Sit down like adults and discuss it and see if you can reach some sort of compromise - counseling even, if needed. This problem isn't going to just go away - and what happens to your relationship when "Ken" isn't in the picture. or 2) If you've tried working it out to no avail, then ultimately you'll have to decide how important this issue is to you and whether you can live in a marriage as it stands now.

But expecting your partner to be accepting of this is unfair. And I don't think you can honestly say you'd be fine with it -- until you've been in his shoes.
 
  Reply With Quote
oostitch is offline oostitch Post #7  July 9,2009, 11:39am
oostitch's Avatar

is trying to find happiness

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 77

See profile

pikliz124 wrote :
My wish is for my fiance to be ok with me having sex with Ken because if he was in my situation I would have let him have sex with another female. He understands that I would let it go the other way if he wanted it but HE CANNOT GET HIMSELF TO ACCEPT ME BEING WITH ANOTHER MAN.
i agree with birdancer, you need to have the courtesy to break it off before you act on any impulse. it's not fair to the poor guy. and it's very easy to say you'd be ok with him having sex with another female when you want to be condoned for your actions (or the ones youre planning). if you felt as strongly about him as he does about you that would not even be discussed. you want to cheat on your fiance and make him accept it? if you feel this way about your relationship now, don't expect a happy marriage. trust, jealousy, cheating and selfishness ARE the issues here.
 
  Reply With Quote
pikliz124 is offline pikliz124 Post #8  July 9,2009, 12:08pm
pikliz124's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2009

Posts: 7

See profile

I explained it like it is. You can make whatever assumptions/predictions about me that you wish. If I wanted to hurt him by cheating on him, I could have/would have done it already. I have had plenty of chances. Like I have said "cheating" isn't an issue here. But I will say that everyone is self-fish. Thank you for your response.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  July 9,2009, 12:10pm
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,264

See profile

... You sound young and inexperienced. Your fiance notices other women and has a sex drive, but a very weak one...towards you Sounds like you are not ready to settle down with a guy who feels luke warm towards you.. was he always that apathetic towards sex or just you? Even if you marry him as your"one and only" , that won't last, you will cheat because you are already dissatisfied . Sexual compatibility is important , and unless you want a life of frustration, I would suggest that both of you take a break and see other people to get to the root of your outside desires and his appearant disinterest in sex in general or you in particular
txbubba wrote :
sorry, this one is too neurotic to answer
 
  Reply With Quote
islandrain80 is offline islandrain80 Post #10  July 9,2009, 12:29pm
islandrain80's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Feb 2008

Washington

Posts: 484

See profile

My thoughts:

First off: if you want to sleep with another man "just because" you are not ready to be married nor engaged. There are obviously things in your life you want to discover before being married. It is not fair to put your fiance in the mix.

Second: You called everyone here self-ish, but you are the one who's upset because your fiance doesn't agree with you.

Third: Cheating is an issue here. You are with someone, in a relationship. Someone you say is "the one". Yet you want to sleep with someone else. In my book, that's cheating.

If you just want sex with this man, what's with the dating? Dating is to find out if someone is potential relationship material.

Personally, I think if there are things in your life you want to experience, do it on your own. Don't bring someone who cares deeply for you into your situation and expect them to see your point of view. I completely agree with your fiance 110%...and surprised he didn't break it off when you said you wanted to have sex with another man.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« How Do I Know If He's Truly Committed? | Ask a Dating Expert | What do I do? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did everything. And the repairs where sure expensive. Grr!I paid for them too. :-/” –  LadyVee

Join the “Confusing Man (LONG STORY)” discussion

“I think people change their "type" depending on what they think they need at that point in their lives. It's so subjective that it might be best if we all just let someone else choose a mate for us ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Changing your "type"” discussion

“In the end, aren't we all winners?” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Last Post Wins!” discussion

“4: sex um. both our values hold sex for marriage, so the next best thing to do when you are driven by lust, i guess is making out? If sex equals marriage, then if his goal is to have sex with you, ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Confused~ He likes me or He wants sex?” discussion

“You know, profile writers remind me of junior high school. The kids who came into an exam clueless, and just rambled on and on, hoping that in there somewhere(?) might possibly be something that the ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “How much profile do you like to read?” discussion

“Chemical burns when one splashes around in nature are no fun! Tree farming, huh. Tax breaks or love of all things tree... Tax break. (I can make these calls, because I'm on the internetz.) He ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“The standard method is to eliminate alcohol and bread (and any other gassy carbs) from your diet. You can also try saran wrapping your midsection for a few days. I've heard that works but I haven't ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Belly Fat” discussion

“My boyfriend will be meeting my ex-boyfriend for the first time this weekend so I will let you know how it goes. He almost met him awhile ago so I thought about this before. I told my boyfriend that ... ” –  alethea

Join the “Hold on, hold on, hold on!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:58am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0