Marsgal is offline Marsgal Post #1  July 7,2009, 6:46pm
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Trying to do the right thing...

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I have a question that I need an honest answer, which I am sure many have their own opinion. I have been dating a guy for almost a year and a half, and we've been reading some very good books together lately. In one of the books it talked about stopping the 'sex', and seeing what more there is to a relationship, and in doing so, to keep our eyes wide open to other potential issues that our physical-ness may be keeping us from. We began having sex very early on in our relationship (only about 4 weeks), and although I have tried to teach my children 'no sex before marriage', it has been very difficult as a divorced single, with having experienced this passion in my past marriage, and to now think that it is ok. My conscience is there most of the time about staying out of the bed until marriage, but he is totally against avoiding it completely until the day when we 'may or may not' get married. My intitial thought about what he wanted to try (or NOT try!) was that he wanted to not have sexual encounters, AKA, 'SEX' between us for a 'period of time', in which we could look at some of our other issues. The very next day this was discussed, we had another heated talk about when we'd know if we had reached that point of beginning to do this again. He is in no way supportive of me of wanting to wait. He didn't give me an ultimatum, but I am quite sure that he'd not stay with me for marriage...something that we have been discussing seriously, but not sure of when that timing would be. I DO know that it is very important to a man, as well as a woman, but for different reasons. Men for the physical, women for the emotional connection, in most circumstances. However, he doesn't believe that he can have an emotional connection with me if we do not engage in sex. I'm not a prude, and I enjoy sex. That is not the point at all! I just don't know if it is the 'right' thing to be doing until marriage, even though we have already gone down that road before and been there. Please send me your opinion/advice!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  July 8,2009, 8:16am
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Not sure I quite understand your post, but....
So you had a normal, healthy relationship where sex was included....then you read some book that told you that you should not behaving sex.....so now you made sex an issue in your relationship...

My advice is to toss the book in the trash can, continue with whatever physical intimacy you both need in the relationship and if you are having issues in your relationship, then you work them out by communicating with each other in a calm and clear manner. You are not going to solve problems by playing withholding intimacy games.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  July 8,2009, 9:44am
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Marsgal wrote :
I have a question that I need an honest answer, which I am sure many have their own opinion. I have been dating a guy for almost a year and a half, and we've been reading some very good books together lately. In one of the books it talked about stopping the 'sex', and seeing what more there is to a relationship, and in doing so, to keep our eyes wide open to other potential issues that our physical-ness may be keeping us from. We began having sex very early on in our relationship (only about 4 weeks), and although I have tried to teach my children 'no sex before marriage', it has been very difficult as a divorced single, with having experienced this passion in my past marriage, and to now think that it is ok. My conscience is there most of the time about staying out of the bed until marriage, but he is totally against avoiding it completely until the day when we 'may or may not' get married. My intitial thought about what he wanted to try (or NOT try!) was that he wanted to not have sexual encounters, AKA, 'SEX' between us for a 'period of time', in which we could look at some of our other issues. The very next day this was discussed, we had another heated talk about when we'd know if we had reached that point of beginning to do this again. He is in no way supportive of me of wanting to wait. He didn't give me an ultimatum, but I am quite sure that he'd not stay with me for marriage...something that we have been discussing seriously, but not sure of when that timing would be. I DO know that it is very important to a man, as well as a woman, but for different reasons. Men for the physical, women for the emotional connection, in most circumstances. However, he doesn't believe that he can have an emotional connection with me if we do not engage in sex. I'm not a prude, and I enjoy sex. That is not the point at all! I just don't know if it is the 'right' thing to be doing until marriage, even though we have already gone down that road before and been there. Please send me your opinion/advice!
You need to read my profile.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #4  July 8,2009, 10:15am
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I was a little confused about your post too.

But did I understand you to say you don't think he will marry you? Do you want marriage? If you do, and he won't, then you should look elsewhere...

As far as sex before marriage, that is a personal matter to be decided by you BEFORE you've initiated sexual contact!

I'm not a man, but I don't think I would stay with you after you cut me off. Even if it's him cutting her off. Doesn't matter. It's not right. I don't see sex making other "issues" less likely to be dealt with, either.

Figure out what you want. He may be as confused by you as the rest of us!
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #5  July 8,2009, 10:43am
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I can't see the logic in the book. Stopping sex altogether and see what sort of chaos develops and see how the both of you cope with it? Why not give something else up, like chocolate, TV or fast food?
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  July 8,2009, 11:27am
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I've heard of this tactic before ...remove sex from the equation (or don't introduce it in the first place) and see what's behind relationship-door #1. Surprisingly, my own opinions on the subject notwithstanding whether or not I'd actually do it, I find it a very logical deduction given the number of people who get married these days with nothing more in common than they just like having good sex together and, when that's old or gone, d-i-v-o-r-c-e is just around the corner.

In your case, once the cat is out of the bag - so to speak - it's very tricky to get that little sucker back in. If done incorrectly (and I'm not sure how to do this 'correctly' without an extremely understanding partner - which you don't seem to have), it can give your guy the very likely impression that you intend to manipulate him by withholding sex until he marries you.

Honestly, I think it's far too late for you to be considering this ...even as a temporary event. If you are seeing a problem where this is the solution (finding out if there is anything in your relationship outside of the bedroom), chances are pretty good you already have your answer and your relationship won't survive the ordeal.
 
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singleinwesttx is offline singleinwesttx Post #7  July 8,2009, 11:55am
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I am not a virgin, but do believe that premarital sex is a sin. I also believe that it depends on the individuals beliefs and view on marriage and sex.

My view on your situation is, it stopping the sex to see if there is anything there outside of that, then you should do that. The thing you said that stuck out to me most is what you teach your kids. Actions do speak louder than words. You are obviously torn with this or you wouldn't have posted for advice. I think you should follow your heart. If your boyfriend doesn't love you enough or respect you enough to stick by you in this decision, then maybe he isn't the right guy. The right man always believes that his woman is worth waiting on. He will do whatever he can to make you happy and he will put your needs before his own. I was told that by a cousin that is a christian counselor. He has been there, done that and knows what he is talking about. If your man is the one, he will respect your decision and stay with you.

Just follow your heart, pray about it and see where God leads you!

Good Luck and God Bless!!!!
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #8  July 8,2009, 12:17pm
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Too bad you didn't read that book before you introduced sex into the relationship. As others have mentioned it's tough to put the genie back into the bottle - particularly if it is not a shared conviction. I do believe that sex changes everything. It can set a tone, defining a relationship in a way that will limit its potential if entered into before emotional intimacy and a mutual level of trust and respect have been established. It monopolizes the relationship in ways that obscure other more important issues that, as a result, are not explored, considered and resolved in an effective manner. But the time to abstain is before the first trip to the bedroom, not after a year and a half of intimacy. I personally would be concerned if my partner adamantly refused to consider my feelings on this issue - to the point of threatening to end the relationship if sex is withdrawn for a predetermined period. But that concern would have nothing to do with sex. There are much bigger issues afoot to be concerned about. To be honest, if I was a year and a half into a relationship with a man and he was still referring to the prospect of marriage as being something that "may or may not" happen, I would be trekking down the road in search of someone who was willing to commit himself to me. I firmly believe that men will classify a woman in his mind as either a potential lifemate or a good-time girl relatively early in a relationship and rarely change that classification down the line. I have no desire to become someones good-time girl. And at this time in my life I am not looking for a good-time boy either. I would simply not be satisfied with such a vaporous future.
Last edited by last12C; July 8,2009 at 12:26pm.
 
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oostitch is offline oostitch Post #9  July 8,2009, 1:24pm
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i agree with most of the replies here. you need to get rid of that book and continue with your life the way it was before. youre not a 15 year old debating whether or not to go all the way with your highschool sweetheart. youre in an adult relationship and youve been intimate with this person for over a year. to completely cut off intimacy is a disaster waiting to happen! don't do it or he's gonna run!
 
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rix is online now rix Post #10  July 8,2009, 1:46pm
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Happy 1st Anniversary, babe!

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last12C wrote :
Too bad you didn't read that book before you introduced sex into the relationship. As others have mentioned it's tough to put the genie back into the bottle - particularly if it is not a shared conviction.

Yes...you really can't go back after Pandora's Box has already been opened!
 
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