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Mainah64 Mainah64 is offline
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If I understand your post correctly, you want to try this experiment and he doesn't and he is open to marriage but you are both not sure as to when.....

It's been a year and a half and you're considering withholding sex to see if there are any problems? I'd see that as manipulative and a harbinger of future tests. Even if you don't have any serious issues now, you'll definitely create some. Just the serious consideration of the idea by my partner would make me question her motive and future actions. Chuck the book. Sounds too Oprah-esque.
- July 8th, 2009, 03:49 pm
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Harvey7 Harvey7 is offline
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You are trying to change the rules in the middle of the game..........
You want him to ravage your body sexually and you also want him to raise the level to a higher emotional plain without offering any. Except a book sexual on repression which offers you what?

No mater how much that you try, you can't be a virgin again and your bringing early childhood or teenage unresolved issue into an unrelated relationship. You're not relating to each other on a one to one basis, men in general or women are different? Reality is, if you new what you were feeling and why? Then you would not be asking for our opinions. You are out of sync with yourself emotionally and mentally your unresolved issues are beginning to reappear.

When the sex runs out so will the dude, who by the way is servicing himself. Your just not there for him!

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; July 8th, 2009 at 04:26 pm.
- July 8th, 2009, 04:19 pm
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lil_lamb lil_lamb is offline
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quite honestly, i don't think you can change the ground rules on a guy mid-game - esp. with just one book on chastity for background info. it's game over if you do that and entirely right that the guy should high tail it out of there. a girl has to know what she wants without "exercises" and be able to stand by it. this isn't what people usually think of as a "sure thing," but it's what being a sure thing really is and why it's idolized.

besides which, chastity is not just for before marriage - it's for in marriage too. no, chastity is not a tool, but a way of life. a little bit of chastity is exactly like being a little bit pregnant.
- July 8th, 2009, 04:20 pm
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graceventually graceventually is offline
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OK, full disclosure: the fiance and I are committed to saving sex for marriage; and when I've been asked about premarital sex by church members, I've told them (gently), that the Bible says sex belongs within marriage. I only mention this to say that I don't generally go around telling people to have premarital sex. But I have to agree with those above who say that it is probably impossible to close Pandora's box here. I don't think that men "only" want sex for physical reasons; I think it has an emotional component within a relationship as well. I wonder if your partner is hearing your ideas about turning from the sexual part of your relationship as a personal rejection? Especially when you said you wanted to do it as a way of assessing problems within the relationship? Is it surprising that he reacted with anger, hurt, or confusion to this news?

But I also have a question about your feelings. You sound very conflicted about your conscience and about this relationship. And it sounds as though, when marriage comes up, you two fight. If that is so, does that sound like a good omen? Right now, it seems that he may feel you're manipulating him by witholding sex, and you may feel that he expects you to violate your conscience. Maybe it's time to talk with someone else, who can help each of you to be heard and understood more fully by one another.
- July 8th, 2009, 04:40 pm
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last12C last12C is offline
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Marsgal wrote :
I have a question that I need an honest answer, which I am sure many have their own opinion. I have been dating a guy for almost a year and a half, and we've been reading some very good books together lately. In one of the books it talked about stopping the 'sex', and seeing what more there is to a relationship, and in doing so, to keep our eyes wide open to other potential issues that our physical-ness may be keeping us from. We began having sex very early on in our relationship (only about 4 weeks), and although I have tried to teach my children 'no sex before marriage', it has been very difficult as a divorced single, with having experienced this passion in my past marriage, and to now think that it is ok. My conscience is there most of the time about staying out of the bed until marriage, but he is totally against avoiding it completely until the day when we 'may or may not' get married. My intitial thought about what he wanted to try (or NOT try!) was that he wanted to not have sexual encounters, AKA, 'SEX' between us for a 'period of time', in which we could look at some of our other issues. The very next day this was discussed, we had another heated talk about when we'd know if we had reached that point of beginning to do this again. He is in no way supportive of me of wanting to wait. He didn't give me an ultimatum, but I am quite sure that he'd not stay with me for marriage...something that we have been discussing seriously, but not sure of when that timing would be. I DO know that it is very important to a man, as well as a woman, but for different reasons. Men for the physical, women for the emotional connection, in most circumstances. However, he doesn't believe that he can have an emotional connection with me if we do not engage in sex. I'm not a prude, and I enjoy sex. That is not the point at all! I just don't know if it is the 'right' thing to be doing until marriage, even though we have already gone down that road before and been there. Please send me your opinion/advice!

I think that a lot of points are being missed in the OP. This is not a manipulation. This is not a woman trying to deal with adolescent issues or trying to force a shocking change on her partner. They read the book together. It sounds as if he initially agreed with the concept of taking a break from intimacy in order to explore other aspects of the relationship and then (understandably) hitting a wall his mind after the discussion regarding the duration of the exercise. I can sit here and assume that in that second discussion the OP suggested that they curtail all further physical encounters until after they were married, but she would have to come back and clarify that. Was he initially willing to forgo sex for a defined period of time, but then stumbled when that period lost it's definition and changed to a nebulous date in the future tied to a marriage that was not yet committed to?

The concept of taking a break from sex in order to gain a more objective view of a relationship is not a new one. It is a valid exercise, especially if intimacy began "too soon". Taking a step back and reassessing a relationship prior to making a decision to marry is a smart choice, especially if there are issues that are impacting a couple's confidence in the relationship. As someone else has already said, the last thing that you want is to marry someone only to find out later that the physical aspect was the only thing that was holding the relationship together. It sounds to me as if negotiations on this venture broke down when its duration was discussed - not that he is vehemently against the idea altogether. Does she want to rewind the clock and implement abstinence before marriage while he is more agreeable to taking an agreed upon period to assess the relationship? At this point only the OP can answer those questions.

I'm not seeing a woman trying to pull a fast one here, deviously plotting to change the rules. I just see a couple who needs to get on the same page.
Last edited by last12C; July 8th, 2009 at 05:58 pm.
- July 8th, 2009, 05:39 pm
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Anthing thing I find interesting in the original post is the issue of teaching one's children that waiting till marriage is the right thing to do....while finding it too difficult to do herself. Let's see...I think there's a word for that (smiling).
- July 8th, 2009, 06:58 pm
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Avariel Avariel is offline
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Marsgal wrote :
I have a question that I need an honest answer, which I am sure many have their own opinion. I have been dating a guy for almost a year and a half, and we've been reading some very good books together lately. In one of the books it talked about stopping the 'sex', and seeing what more there is to a relationship, and in doing so, to keep our eyes wide open to other potential issues that our physical-ness may be keeping us from. We began having sex very early on in our relationship (only about 4 weeks), and although I have tried to teach my children 'no sex before marriage', it has been very difficult as a divorced single, with having experienced this passion in my past marriage, and to now think that it is ok. My conscience is there most of the time about staying out of the bed until marriage, but he is totally against avoiding it completely until the day when we 'may or may not' get married. My intitial thought about what he wanted to try (or NOT try!) was that he wanted to not have sexual encounters, AKA, 'SEX' between us for a 'period of time', in which we could look at some of our other issues. The very next day this was discussed, we had another heated talk about when we'd know if we had reached that point of beginning to do this again. He is in no way supportive of me of wanting to wait. He didn't give me an ultimatum, but I am quite sure that he'd not stay with me for marriage...something that we have been discussing seriously, but not sure of when that timing would be. I DO know that it is very important to a man, as well as a woman, but for different reasons. Men for the physical, women for the emotional connection, in most circumstances. However, he doesn't believe that he can have an emotional connection with me if we do not engage in sex. I'm not a prude, and I enjoy sex. That is not the point at all! I just don't know if it is the 'right' thing to be doing until marriage, even though we have already gone down that road before and been there. Please send me your opinion/advice!
You do have to realize, I think, that sex for some IS an emotional thing. Too many people like to compartamentalize sex and emotion as two different things, and there are many of us (me included) who need that intimacy, that physical touch and that closeness in an emotional relationship (this also, unfortnately for us who end up being single for a long period of time, makes it hard for us to have emotionLESS and meaningless sex, which means we're pretty sex starved whenever we're not in a relationship, LOL)

So for some of us, and this may be your man included, telling him that you want to explore your emotions WITHOUT sex doesn't make any sense; you're basically telling him that you don't want to connect with him at all. it may not make rational sense to many people who are basely intellectual and can't separate sex and feelings, but simply put, many of us can't (or don't want to).

Try to keep this in mind amongst your other issues that you're dealing with; I don't think that cutting sex out is the answer, and I really think it could be a powerful healing agent and intimacy builder in dealing with the other issues in your relationship. Sex is NOT the source of the problem; YOU two ARE.
- July 8th, 2009, 07:23 pm
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CedarRose CedarRose is offline
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Is it not so much " to have or not to have " but more "to accept it as it is " or "let go" ? Or have you made up your mind yet ?
- July 9th, 2009, 04:08 am
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graceventually graceventually is offline
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Interesting thoughts here. I wish the OP would post again, clarify a few things, and let us know how she's doing? If you're still out there, marsgal, come on by .
- July 9th, 2009, 08:02 am
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Hi Marsgal,

Maybe you should try a compromise. Have you heard of sensate focus? You do forgo sex for a while, intsead you focus on a series of sensual excersises that increase touching over time and evetually you re-engage in intercourse. They can be used for building intimacy and trust. Commonly they are used to help women learn to orgasam, because the pressure to do so is taken away becasue the exercises teach you to focus on just enjoying your partners touch and not feeling anxious about performing. Both partners have to be willing to commit and follow the rules in any case. You wouldn't be having sex for a little while, but you would still experience physical intimacy. You can check it out in more detail on the web and there are books as well. Or you could a agree to see a sex therapist if you'd perfer the process to be less self directed.

I wish I could say I've tried it and it works, but me and my then boyfriend never got past the disscussion stage.
- July 9th, 2009, 10:34 am
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