cyndik8 is offline cyndik8 Post #1  July 3,2009, 4:08am
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What if the guy you've been dating has a teenage child that you can't stand each other, and he has continually been on their side,yet when you're alone it's a different story? Do you hang around until said child turns 18 or call it quits?
 
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oostitch is offline oostitch Post #2  July 3,2009, 11:07am
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it depends how long you two have been dating. if youre in a committed relationship and making plans to get married or live togather he needs to set the balance or it will not end well. my sister was in the same situation, he had a 9 yr old boy who would cause trouble for them maybe because he was jealous of the time he was spending with my sister, nonetheless my sister had a talk with her boyfriend as to what her position in his and the kids life was. he agreed that she had every right to discipline the kids if they got out of comtrol or talked back to her. that doesnt mean youre gonna go hit them with a belt but you have every right to correct them when theyre wrong and especially if theyre lashing out at you. and in your situation the kid is a teenager already, so it's not a small child who doesnt understand who you are and what you mean to their dad. if you really love the guy maybe you should recommend couseling to try to find a neutral ground here, but ask yourself this: if the tables were turned, do you think he would stay with you and not only put up with your kid but have you agree with them which is even more frustrating? i think you need to have a nice long chat with this man!
 
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Robecology is offline Robecology Post #3  July 3,2009, 11:34am

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My reply is in bold; I've been there, and know from experience....
cyndik8 wrote :
What if the guy you've been dating has a teenage child that you can't stand each other, and he has continually been on their side,yet when you're alone it's a different story? Do you hang around until said child turns 18 or call it quits?
Met a great woman, and she had two sub-teen kids. My son (in my custody from a recent divorce) and I both didn't enjoy her kids; it ended up causing all sorts of misery and ended up being a waste of time for me, and a heartbreak for my son.
Have a heart-to-heart, eye-to-eye conversation ASAP with him and his child. The misunderstanding might come out, and you could resolve the issue - to stay and be friends, or to part as friends. Make it work 100% or prepare for departure. "Hold on Tightly, Let go lightly".
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  July 3,2009, 11:44am
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Do you have more detail to offer?
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jimmycann is offline jimmycann Post #5  July 3,2009, 4:28pm
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My last relationship lasted 9 years. When it started my girlfriend had a 14 y/o girl.

I foresaw the friction occurring in many different obvious and "traditional" ways. You know...all the after-school specials, TV show premises and movies about the subject that you ever saw?

So, to avoid all these well known uncofortable, problematic situations, I simply acted and did the OPPOSITE of what the stereotypes and actions "said" that I was expected to do WRONG.

I saw EVERYTHING coming WAY BEFORE it hit! Well, I took the appropriate actions to make it IMPOSSIBLE for these behaviors to occurr in the 1st place.

Guess what? Yep! They happenned anyway. For example: I expected to hear: "You're not my father!"...So, I NEVER, EVER told her what to do in any sort of way. You guessed it! "You're Not my father!"; came spewing out over some situation where it was almost comical (If it wasn't so unnerving.) because it didn't make any sense....b/c well, I didn't tell her what to do. I was prepared.

What's the moral of the story? You cannot win these situations...EVER.

The best outcome is to do as I did and be ready for it all to hit. Take the preventative actions. Let it hit...and just be prepared to deal with the impending heart-ache.

To be honest, I thought that since I saw it coming and was still helpless...it almost made it worse in some ways.

The thing to decide is wether your partner is worth it to you. Also, will your partner eventually give up on YOU, when the rough parts hit?

I wont go on even further then this because, well... it's not good. There are probably lots of members out there with children that will want to deny that what I wrote will happen and this will be taken as inflammatory to them.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #6  July 3,2009, 8:12pm
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I believe it is possible to have a good relationship with the kids.

My first husband had a child whom I loved. She was very young when we met. We didn't have custody; just visitations & vacations. I can't say why we had such a good relationship, except that I really did love her. That was key for me. She & I would do things without her Dad. I really enjoyed her as a separate human being. When we divorced many years later, it actually hurt to let her go...

My second husband also had a daughter. Full grown & on her own. We were certainly civil, even friendly. But I never did love her. Still, it was a decent relationship.

I do think if you want a future with the parent, you should make it a point to get along with the kids. Even when they don't want to get along with you. You both love the same person, and that person loves you both! That alone is common ground. Enough to make a start.

Kids can certainly be difficult & they try one's patience. But you are the adult. Restrain the urge to strike back (verbally, emotionally, intellectually, however!) just because you can. You will have a better relationship for it.

Good luck! (you're gonna need it )
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  July 3,2009, 11:10pm
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It's up to you, as the adult, to rise above the situation and always treat the child with respect, modeling the behavior you expect toward yourself.

That said, your boyfriend is a package deal... him and the kids, and they will ALWAYS be his kids, long after they've turned 18, so it's not a matter of waiting them out. If you seriously can't get along with the kids, do everyone a favor and move on. If he ever has to choose between you and the kids, you will lose.
 
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