Diamondenims is offline Diamondenims Post #1  July 2,2009, 1:58pm
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First off let me say I am by no means wanting to isolate anyone from their family!! But I feel this is a bit over the edge and almost odd, but I truly am open to suggestions as this could be a great relationship I think if we can get past this issue??

I am 39 single female, own my own home, have a great job I enjoy, have never been married and no children. I have been in a LTR that ended on friendly terms and one for 2 years that was a bad choice on my part and wasn't smart enough to get out fast enough even though I knew better.

He is 35 only child still lives at home in same room and same super single bed that he has had his entire life. His parents are both still alive, healthy, retired and together so he doesn't stay home to care for them. He farms full time (on his parents farm)so I understand some aspect of "closeness" with the family but some things are a bit of a stretch and almost kinda creepy I think. But maybe just me?? We have been together for just about 2 years. He started dating at 25 and only dated 4 different girls and never been out past 1am until he and I started dating.

He is very polite, clean cut, good morals and ethics and that is why I am not long gone. This one issue is KILLING this relationship and he just doesn't understand why. Dont know how else I can explain to him that WE need to spend time together ALONE.

He goes everywhere and does everything with his dad that normal couples or friends would do together while his mom is happy to sit home alone and he thinks I should be happy about not doing or going anywhere together unless his dad doesnt have plans then I can get him to do something. And the creepy part is it seems to me that his dad will do anything to keep him from spending to much time with me even though his parents both like me as they say, he says and they act like it. It is like his Dad is afraid to lose his best buddy. Which I dont want but I do want some "recreational time" so we really can grow and see if this is going to work.

He wants to be married and isnt' shy about it but is paranoid about divorces as so many of his "friends" (which are really his dads friends and are in their 60's like his dad)have warned him since he was a teenager that most women take your $$ and leave you with nothing. In this case I have more to lose so that isn't the case and I think he knows that. He has NOTHING in his name - not even his car or motorcycle - it is all in his Dads name - he says it is for insurance reason which is a lie that I am sure his dad has convinced him of, as he is old enough to have good rates.

He has no male friends that he hangs out with either. It is all his Dad and I mean EVERYTHING. He comes to my place and we get along great in all aspects except everything has to revolve around what his dad wants him to do. I have only spent 1 entire day with him this entire time and even that day he had to talk with his dad 3 times on the phone about trivial stuff. I ask about going to places we both like and enjoy and he will say maybe but 99% of the time it ends up a no as Dad has something else going on. I can understand during farming season and I am not a clingy type person by any means but I want to do something. He thinks I should just sit home when he is off having fun I guess and baking cookies?? His mom worked her entire life so it isn't like he had a stay at home mom whom he wants to replace? I work very hard and when I take time off I want to do something - be it just go for a drive along the water, drive and see some sights or whatever...

There are so many things that seem "odd" with this relationship with his father but as a person he is genuinely a nice person who just seems afraid to not "be there" for his Dad which he has said in round about terms. But I also dont think it is fair that I have to be a sideline if we are to have a future together. Obviously he feels his Dad is more important than him having a relationship which is sad for his age I feel.

Do you all think I am just over thinking it? I am used to a person wanting to spend as much time with someone as they can to make a go of it. How can I be his best friend when his Dad is and he really acts more like a parent in the relationship always watching how his Dad is doing stuff to be sure it is right and he doesn't get hurt. If he was ill I guess I would understand?
 
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islandrain80 is offline islandrain80 Post #2  July 2,2009, 2:21pm
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All I can think of is the movie "Failure to Launch".

I would run. I think if a guy is that clingy and dependent on his family, once they pass on he will that be clingy and dependent on you. And you will be stuck with a kid and not a partner.

Does he have a reason for this? Or he just afraid to be independent? Are you sure he's all there upstairs?
 
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Diamondenims is offline Diamondenims Post #3  July 2,2009, 2:39pm
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LOL - yes he is definitely "all there" upstairs.... He is actually very intelligent just very naive about the outside world as he really knows nothing far from "home". Very very sheltered but not to say week as he is a very strong person when it comes down to it and would stand up for me in any situation without a doubt.

And the funny (or not so funny actually) part is that was one of the first movies we watched together. He joked about it being like him and I said yep but your parents aren't paying me enough...

He feels that he spends ALOT of time with me because in his previous (very limited) relationships he went one or two times a month MAXIMUM with these past couple girls and he really believed he was the only one they were seeing... very DOUBTFUL.. I cant imagine that any female would consider a committed relationship being seen or going out only once or twice a month?

I really think there is something he isnt telling me as he is afraid to... something about his family or why he is so "attached" to his dad, what I have no clue? they are a very "quiet/secretive" family so to say, his dad has him convinced that everyone is out to get you and take everything from you??? weird...especially when he has been married for 40+ years and his wife was the main financial support throughout their working life. Very rural area where everyone knows everyone and so many people are just amazed to see him with a girl and not his dad all the time. Even had a guy he knows (who again is his DADS acquaintance and in his 60's) I never thought you would grow up, when he saw him with me. He thinks that is a compliment for me that he hasn't "been around the block" which is a good thing dont get me wrong but not even being seen OUT with a girl in 34 years...... odd..

He even talks about building a house - but you betcha it is on the farm property and he literally wants to build it right next to the main home... no way.... dont mind close but I dont want dad walking into MY house any given second...
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  July 2,2009, 2:42pm
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Well, I think this case warrants you “taking the bull by the horns” and setting some requirements.
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Diamondenims is offline Diamondenims Post #5  July 2,2009, 2:53pm
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I am a terrible communicator I guess as I hate to bring it up because when we are together we have so much fun and enjoy each others company I hate to take that little time and make it tough. But I decided last week I was going to talk with him and we were supposed to go for a ride on his motorcycle and just relax (note that when he bought a motorcycle because he thought I would like it (my ex had one)- within 3 days his dad who had NEVER EVEN BEEN ON ONE and is 60+yrs old - bought one also!!!) so many odd twists to this..

Well, needless to say by the time he got to my place to go for the ride and pick me up after work his Dad had wiggled his way into going with us. If his mom was going it would have been ok but nope just him and us... so obviously I didnt get to talk with him about it as I do feel he as a person/man is worth it. I couldnt find a sweeter more considerate person when he is WITH me, it is like I am non existent any other time though. No phone calls in the middle of the day to say hi (because dad is always with him and he hates to talk on the phone - and they SHARE a cell phone even)... lordy.. listen to me... dating a 14 year old it seems some days....

And as for getting together with other couples I have done that a few times and he enjoys the times but he seems to think that they are "my friends" and he is ok with hanging out with them I should be ok with hanging out with his dad because it is the same thing. No it isn't... I have even said how about if I bring my mom over whenever you come over and see how "comfortable" you are?? good comparison I thought.... hehehe I dont even want my mom around..... LOL
 
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wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #6  July 2,2009, 3:35pm
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You've been with this man for 2 years, so you've -- by default -- agreed to the terms of the relationship. Now, you want to change those terms, why?

IMO, endless complaining about third-wheel-dad will continue to fall on deaf ears, because the only person who seems to be unhappy with this situation is you.

BTW, I don't think the dad or your man is going to change their relationship, so you must change yours with the boyfriend. Are you prepared to walk away?
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #7  July 2,2009, 3:47pm
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You need to communicate! He can't read your mind.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #8  July 2,2009, 3:54pm
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I can't believe I actually read all your posts! It's like I was mesmerized, my eyes glued to the computer screeen, staring, wide open...

Seriously, though, I come from farming stock. The families are pretty close (yes, even building those houses on the same property!) simply because the work is so gosh-darn hard! Ranchers, too.

But this thing with his Dad IS excessive. Don't expect it to end. As WW said, the only one unhappy is you. Can you accept this for the rest of your life? Or not?

I wouldn't expect to change either him or his Dad. And Mom seems OK with the situation. Whatcha gonna do???
 
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p_babe is offline p_babe Post #9  July 2,2009, 5:29pm
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Dudette! Like, RUN!
 
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Rob_UK is offline Rob_UK Post #10  July 2,2009, 5:51pm
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wow..' takes all sorts
 
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