hollville is offline hollville Post #1  July 2,2009, 6:12am
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I met a widower online in December 2008. We're both 36 and he had lost his wife just over a year before I met him. He had dated some people before he met me, including one relationship that was for 3 or 4 months. I was in a very long relationship that ended a couple years ago and I have been dating off and on since.

We started dating immediately and it was great. I encouraged him to be open about his loss, let him know that I was not trying to replace his wife and that she'd always have a place with us, etc... I did as much reading about widowers as possible so that I could be kind, patient, and fair. After we had been together for about 3 months, he moved in with me. He initiated it and we had many conversations about whether it was too soon, etc... He assured me that he felt comfortable giving it a try and was ready to move in this direction.

Things started to change almost immediately. We have now been living together for almost 4 months and it's increasingly hard. We only have sex occasionally (vs. several times a week before he moved in), he never holds my hand or kisses me, and he gently but firmly pushes me away when I hug him. He is moody and distant and I never know what I'm going to get. With the exception of two friends who were close to his late wife, I have met NO ONE in his life. He has no family, but he does have a lot of friends, most of whom are female. If he goes out with friends, he doesn't always tell me who he's going with and he never invites me. He makes me feel like I can't call or text him during the day and he almost never initiates contact when we're not together, including when I'm out of town. He shares nothing of his life with me, except for the time after work and before bed.

I'm just sad and confused. I love this person but no longer know what to do. He is a good man and I saw a future with him. I have done everything possible to be patient and not push, but I have to think of myself. I have done a lot of soul-searching and I don't believe I'm asking too much...I simply want to be a priority in the life he lives now. I want to feel like I matter. I don't want to let him go, but I have waited too long before and I'm afraid of doing it again. I have tried to gently talk to him about some of these issues and when I do, he gets upset and twists things to look like I'm expecting too much from him. He has an excuse for everything.

What is going on here and is there anything I can do to salvage this? Or is it just time to cut my losses and go? Thanks for your help!
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  July 2,2009, 6:27am
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I don't know what is going on with him. But I can tell that you are not getting what you want from this relationship. The fact that you want to feel like you matter speaks volumes!

I'd cut my losses, as you said. You deserve better. You deserve a man who wants to make you the sun he orbits. And your man is out there. But you are not free to find him when you're stuck with this guy. Shake him loose.

Good luck!
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #3  July 2,2009, 7:05am
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It does not sound like any of these issues has anything to do with him being a widower to me and I have dated a widower a few times before. It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship and I think you should too. You don't mention if you have tried talking to him about these issues?
Ask yourself if you could continue this way of life forever? I think you know the answer. I would move on, but only you can make that decision for yourself.
 
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oostitch is offline oostitch Post #4  July 2,2009, 12:43pm
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if he is behaving this way after such a short time living with you, i honestly dont think it's gonna get any better. him being a widower has absolutely nothing to do with it. he's going out with with his female friends and excluding you, hinting not to bother him while he's out. he's pushing you away literally when you hug him, he gets defensive when you try to mention the problem, he has an excuse for everything, need i go on? you answered your own question hollville. get out now before you get more caught up in his web. it's only been a few months, can you imagine dealing with this for another year? let his 'girlfriends' put up with him!
 
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