IsHeForMe is offline IsHeForMe Post #1  July 1,2009, 8:04pm
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This is somewhat strange for me. I met a guy on an online dating site. The first time we talked it was on the phone. It was nice and we got to know each other a little bit. We talked for a few hours that first night. The next night we talked even longer and about more things about ourselves. Then, I was taken off-guard: He said he really liked me and suggested that we were a couple. He doesn't want me to date other people. He asked if I considered him my boyfriend.

WHAT?!?!?!

I will not lie. It felt kind of nice to hear these types of things because it has been a while, but after only 2 days? We are still strangers, right? For some reason, maybe because I felt a little pressured, I agreed not to persue other men.

Then, the next night (day 3) he asked again about the status of our "relationship". He said he thought about me all day. He said he misses me during the day. He said he wants me to come there for a visit (he lives in another state). As nice and gently as I could, I suggested that we should probably get to know each other better. I said I was willing to explore things further to see where things are going. I said that I liked talking to him and that I was willing to give things a shot, but that I didn't want to rush into anything. He responded with something along the lines of "We're not rushing. I like you a lot. I want you here, near me. I wish you were here."

I know that you can bond with someone quickly when you talk about intimate details of your life. It happens all the time. But there are some things I am uncomfortable with:

1. He has made some negative comments about overweight people, and I am overweight. I am working on losing weight and making some great progress, but feeling far more self conscious knowing what he has said. I am always on the verge of telling him that I'm overweight I am an attractive woman who just needs to lose weight, but because of the comments he has made about fat people, I think that if I tell him that I'm overweight, he'll lie and say he's ok with it and then flip when he meets me. Especially since this is a Long Distance Relationship (LDR).

2. Within a 3 day period, he is already talking about incredibly intimate/personal things that are almost taboo for most people. I am comfortable talking about sex. That isn't the problem. It's other personal details that almost kill the mood. It's kind of hard to find someone sexy and alluring when they are so freely able to discuss things relating to... well... going to the bathroom. I know that sounds gross, but that is it. He talks about it so much, and I keep trying to change the subject but he keeps changing it back.

3. He has admitted to me, actually on the first night we talked, that he has a fetish. I said I'm not comfortable with it. I said I don't know if I could get into it. He keeps pushing it. It makes me uncomfortable and when I say "Not tonight. I really don't want to." He says, "Oh come on. Not again. I want you to get comfortable doing this all the time. I want you to do this for me." I can tell you that it's not a dangerous thing and certainly nothing I would consider to be against anybody's ethical or moral judgements (it relates to clothing). The problem is that I do not WANT to do what he is asking me to do, especially since it's over the phone. The problem is that I have told him I am uncomfortable with it and he is still pushing it. I know that when you really care about someone, really love someone, it is more likely that you will WANT to do something to please him/her, but I feel this is way too soon to be pushing a fetish on me. I finally said I would think about it. He suggested that meant "no". I said it's not a "no" but that I need some time to get more comfortable with the idea. It's new to me and I need to ease into it.

4. He wants me to visit and he's already calling me "sweetheart" and "babydoll". As much as I love hearing this from a man who seems to want me, I think this is far too much when there is so much he doesn't know about me. I have even suggested this "There is so much we do not know about eachother! Tell me more about your family and friends." He says that we have all the time in the world to get to know eachother. Yes, this is true, but considering this is a LTR, the rules are a little different. I can't just meet him for coffee, or dinner and a movie and then go home. He wants me to fly out to meet him, and when I suggested him coming to see me first he said "You've never been here. You should see a place you've never seen." Being that I am a woman, without sounding too old fashioned, I think he should come here first. I think he should stay in a hotel, for at least the first night, just in case there is no chemistry.

5. As I sit and write this, I have received 2 missed phone calls from him, a voice mail AND a text message asking me if I'm ok (all in less than 30 minutes), because I haven't called him today/tonight. IT HAS ONLY BEEN 4 DAYS SINCE WE FIRST TALKED! I had a life before I met him. To be quite honest, I need a break from the pressure of the fetish conversation and the all too intimate bathroom details. There's just something I like about the old fashioned courting process. I am modern woman and independent, but I am also very passionate, empathetic, and caring. I like that there is someone who likes me and thinks he wants me, but is all this intimate/taboo talk way too creepy? I chose to NOT speak to him today because I needed a break from him. I feel bad about that, but I guess that is a sign that we may not be a good match.

The bottom line is that in our conversations, we are so much alike that it's crazy! The things we like and dislike are incredible, and he is the first person I have ever met that agrees with so much of my likes/dislikes. I think there is potential but I just do not know how to express this without instantly driving him away. I almost feel bad that I am not as emotionally attached to him, as he is to me. I don't want to play games. I am trying to be diplomatic and honest so as not to hurt his feelings. But in such a short time, I am growing almost irritated. How can I deal with this without ending it? I guess if he can't deal with the few things I feel so strongly about, then how will it be a year from now and I have moved to be with him? I definitely to not want to end up in an almost abusive and controlling relationship. I deserve better. I just need help in dealing with these conversations.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #2  July 1,2009, 8:18pm
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RUN!!! You don't have a relationship at this point. You've never met him and you have no idea if anything he has told you is true. Trust your gut on this one. There's something off about this whole thing and I absolutely would not fly somewhere to see him.
 
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AustinShaguar is offline AustinShaguar Post #3  July 1,2009, 8:23pm
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Dear OP,

If your best friend wrote what you just did what advice would you give her? I hope the answer is this:

Run, run for your life!!!!!
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  July 1,2009, 8:36pm
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You are clearly unhappy, uncomfortable, and overwhelmed with this entire situation. Bearing that in mind, I believe you need to firmly state how you feel, and not allow any number of "babydolls" and "sweethearts" that may come from him to sway you from what you are really feeling and from what's really happening here. You see the red flags, and you've stated them throughout your entire post. Act on that and make a clean break for your own well-being. Also, make it clear that you want no further contact from him. It's been four days. Four days. Keep repeating that in your mind.

I know it can be great to hear things like pet names and admirations from a man, especially if you haven't heard them in awhile. However, that is not a reason to stick around when you know that the situation isn't right. Based on what you've said, he's pretty overbearing. It would be a huge mistake to ignore your intuition here or to lead him to believe that there is any possibility of anything more happening.

If, after doing this, he persists in contacting you, ignore him. Don't take his calls, and don't respond to his text messages or emails. You deserve to be in a relationship that makes you happy, and not one that makes you horribly uneasy! Keep that in mind as you move forward.

Best of luck to you!
 
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copperlime is offline copperlime Post #5  July 1,2009, 8:38pm
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holy cow - I'll be honest.. i got about three paragraphs down, scrolled down and read a little more, and then scrolled down to here.

RUN. NOW. like AustinShaguar said, would you let your best friend talk to this guy? While you're at it, cover your tracks and get his number blocked through your phone company if you haven't been using a secure call through a dating service.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #6  July 1,2009, 10:04pm
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Even I'm scared & I don't even know you. My Creep Alert is going off big time!

Don't kid yourself this guy likes you. Those "conversations" have been all about him. It's just disgusting.

That tiny little nagging voice inside your head -- that's you intuition. Go with it, it could save your life someday!

Like the post said RUN!!! & COVER THOSE TRACKS
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #7  July 1,2009, 10:57pm
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By any chance is this guy from Nigeria?
 
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IsHeForMe is offline IsHeForMe Post #8  July 1,2009, 11:24pm
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waltercl wrote :
By any chance is this guy from Nigeria?
Erm... No. He is not from Nigeria.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  July 2,2009, 3:24am
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Great question . You must be very lonely to go for this. He is either a phone pervert saving money calling you rather than a 900 number , or he is a serious predator after your money or worse. Get out Now. It's not real,nor intimate, it's dangerous
waltercl wrote :
By any chance is this guy from Nigeria?
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #10  July 2,2009, 3:46am
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I think you know the answer already. Can you say "controlling"? Just stop taking his calls etc. Cut him off completely. And please don't go to visit this guy.
 
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