How do you say goodbye when she's smothering


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niceGuyMakinIt is offline niceGuyMakinIt Post #1  June 29,2009, 5:52pm
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I just recently ended a relationship of about 5 months. The gal I was with was a wonderful woman with endearing qualities and I gave the relationship every chance to succeed. But as the relationship progressed I saw things in her that bothered me...

1. The first time she told me she "loved me" she was drunk and it was about 2 weeks into the relationship. This scared the @$&! out of me! In the past I would have been the first to say those words, but I have grown enough to know what they mean. And they mean a hell of a lot more than just attraction and emotion. Hind site being what it is I now know I had very good reasons to be scared.
2. She kept saying I love you... over and over and over.... you get the idea. But as I searched myself I just didn't feel the same "knock me off my chair" love that she apparently felt.
3. She kept saying "I want us to spend more time together".. are we seeing a pattern here? Then when I call she would not pick up nor would she return my calls.
4. Finally, at one point, two weeks went by and we didn't see each other at all. It was really starting to bother me. It was then that I started to re-evaluate everything and realized what was going on.

I started to see that she was a very needy woman and even desperate to hold onto a relationship. Smothering me with "I love you"s and all these words of affection, hoping it would be enough to keep me around, Insecure!

I decided it was time to break up. It was then that I realized the trap. She had put me into an emotional trap where, because I really am a caring person, I will not ever break up with her because I don't want to hurt her... or she hoped deep inside. I realized this was a tough situation and there was no way to win.

So, I let a couple more days go by where I barely called or answered her and hoped that she would start to realize that I might want to break up until finally she wanted to meet me (after this two week period of not seeing each other) and she picked up something on my purposely acted hesitation. I told her I didn't want to discuss it on the phone but that yes, we needed to talk.

That ended it. We never did get together that night.

Is there a better way to do this? I really don't like hurting anyone. I guess that's true of just about any sane person. But I know she was really hurt by this. And, I didn't even get the chance to tell why. Not that I needed to explain myself, but I would have hoped to maybe help her see what was going on so she can grow from it.

It seems to me there is NO way to win in this kind of emotionally packed, manipulating even, scenario. On the plus side, I'm glad I ended it after just 5 months, what a mistake this could have been!!
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  June 29,2009, 6:14pm
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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It's never easy to end a relationship, and I think it's admirable that you want to find the easiest way to do it without causing pain to the other person.

I was in your shoes and desiring the same thing for the same reasons not too long ago. We had not been together as long as the two of you were, but I felt so incredibly smothered. If I was a fire and he was a blanket...well you get the picture. I don't want to go into the details of everything, but it was beyond mere romance or affection, and it was starting to feel very creepy.

I wasn't really planning to end the relationship, I just wanted to discuss what I saw as a problem. I was so very careful about what I said, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I didn't wish to make him feel like I was attacking him. The concern was for nothing; he blew up in my face. It wasn't pretty--it was actually quite scary. At that point, I realized there was no point in working things out if he could demonstrate such horrible hostility toward me over something that, in the grand scheme of a life, really wasn't worth getting this excited over.

So what's my point? Sometimes you just can't end it without there being hurt feelings. However, the risk and the possible negative outcome are all a part of pursuing relationships. I don't set out to hurt anyone's feelings or to get my feelings hurt, but it's a part of the process, sometimes. When you know it isn't right for you, you have to get out of it, even if it does mean that hurting is a part of the process. Just be honest to what you feel and true to what you know you need in your heart.

Best wishes to you.
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #3  June 29,2009, 6:16pm

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I think it's nice you hoped to help her see and grow from this. I'm the same when when I end things with someone. Unfortunately, the honor is not often given to me.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  June 30,2009, 6:21am
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I think the nice and mature thing to do is to simply tell a person it's not working out for you rather than playing the games that you did by becoming the jerk who does not call back, who is being suddenly aloof, etc.

When you are upfront with the person, sure it will hurt, but at least they immediately know what's going on and can start healing and moving on. When you jerk them around by becoming distant, you leave them in agony for a long time wondering if this is over or just something else happening in your life. Kind of like stabbing them to death slowly. Sorry, but I have no respect for that whatsoever. Also, it's not nice, it's pretty cruel.
 
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avinash is offline avinash Post #5  June 30,2009, 6:26am
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DancingFool is 100% correct, you should've been honest with her.
 
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oostitch is offline oostitch Post #6  June 30,2009, 8:25am
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i agree with dancingfool also. i went through the same thing recently. everything seemed to be just fine and he suddenly stopped calling. completely out of the blue and just blindsighted me. men need to learn how to communicate and not stick their heads in the ground like an ostrich. youre an adult, act like one. i think theres nothing more cruel than ignoring someone youve let into your life. i had met someone on eharmony and we had made plans to go out but based on our conversation i knew it wasnt going to work out so i told him exactly how i felt and wished him well. and this was someone i hadnt even met but i was curteous enough to respond. he thanked me for being honest and we moved on. people need closure not question marks.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #7  June 30,2009, 8:54am
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"I think you could all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy and actually have the uncomfortable break-up conversation. Because, here's what - avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy."

Sorry -- just had to throw out that line from Sex and the City - don't usually quote that show but thought it was applicable.

By trying to avoid "hurting her feelings", you actually ended up ignoring her, stringing her along and ultimately crossing your fingers that she might break up with you to no avail. Don't take this as a judgment -- I think we've all been there and your intentions are admirable.

Looking back -- your first step might have been to alert her that there was a problem. If she's coming on way too strong -- then a simple, "I like you and am enjoying getting to know you -- but I feel like we're moving too fast" helps to get the message across. If she still continues down that road, then you have your answer.

And really, all that is required is a short talk (or phone call if necessary) to say that you don't think things are working, that maybe you're not the best match in the long run. Will she be hurt? Sure, but not any more or less than any other method of breaking up.
 
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niceGuyMakinIt is offline niceGuyMakinIt Post #8  June 30,2009, 8:02pm
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Thanks guys for all the comments. Honestly it really wasn't a game I was playing. We weren't talking much anyway. I was hoping though that she would start to see things. And she did.

I am new to the dating scene and haven't had to have many "talks" as I'm sure you may have guessed. I have, however, taken this experience and learned from it. Which was why I wrote here. I think the key for me in this whole thing was to be honest with myself from the begining. I saw signs way back that should have been alarms for me and I should have had the rocks enough to stand up and end it.

I say myself because I am not a selfish person, and it seems to me that a little bit of selfishness goes a long way in the right context. By not be honest with myself from the begining I was actually setting us both up for a fall.

I do want to point out how easy it is to hold someone in emotional hostage by smothering. When I was younger I know I did just that. A little bit of turn about is fair play.

One fnial comment... It's amazing how psycho I look through your guys' points of view!

Maybe being nice isn't what it's cracked up to be.
 
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avinash is offline avinash Post #9  July 1,2009, 2:55am
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No, part of being nice means actually being honest, telling someone the truth so you don't string them along and make it hurt worse later, but being honest doesn't mean you have to be brutal, there are ways to be honest that don't come across as cruel. In fact by not being honest you were in fact quite cruel to her.
 
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