Lost Me Somewhere

I have placed my comments below your in "bold". I am sorry but the words may be harse to you, but if you re-read what you have said, maybe you will see it too.

Well my situation is unique and I am at a loss completely. I travelled from east to west coast as I had fallen in love with a man 8 years younger than me although I had no idea at the time. He was so different and still is, I made it clear I couldnt tolerate lies and he hasnt told me any. Are you sure about that? If he is having an affair with you while living with his wife, isn't that lying to his wife? And is that okay? He had given you plenty of lies by omission, such as the cross-dressing thing.
(If I don't say anything at all, it is not a lie). By the way, you are also living a lie as well. Can you live with that?
He is living in the same house as the mother of his children, he doesnt love her but wont tell her (omission and deceiving) that and she has decieved (so that means it is okay for him to deceive her?) him several times killing any affection, but he wont leave as he wont leave the kids, he was abandoned by his father as a very young one and doesnt want his kids to be abandonded. (Plenty of divorced dad's are very involved with their kids and aren't abandoning them. Also, he is teaching his kids it is okay to have a loveless marriage?) I told him unless he was a threat to his kids then no court in this land would go against him, but he is insistant. That led to me doubting his love for me and numerous arguments. (sounds like there is even more than what you tell us here.) I tried to get him to see it from my point of view. I flew back to the east coast with his last words being it isnt over. but again doubts would creep in as he was under the same roof with another woman, he alswas reassurred me, then he flew over for my birhday this year and it was a disaster on top of al that first night he revealed he was a cross desser he showed not told and I reacted very badly I was confused and in shock and am not proud of events that followed but it didnt help any situation at all. End of May he told me he no longer loved me but only as a friend as there was to much going on over the issues I flew over again in June (he told you he doesn't love you, why are you continuing to see him? You should read the book "He's just not that into you") and nothing has gone right and I am not sure anymore how to react as I am hiding me away and no longer sure what me was and my self esteem is shot. (Give your self-esteem a boost by trying to find a guy that really does care. You also need to be sure you love yourself, otherwise, why would you put yourself through this abuse? Is a bad relationship better than no relationship. The answer is NO.
I feel like I am in a daze as he had an accident and his car was totalled and the woman he says he doesnt love he has been saying she is of tremendous support as are the kids and he doesnt think he can leave now, (I'm confused, if he says he doesn't love you, why are you two even talking about visiting each other?) I was also there for him copping the brunt of what was going on but that doesnt seem to matter Now he is without transport I may as well be on the other side of the coast again, he keeps saying his hands are tied but I am no longer sure they are as you have to make things happen which is exactly why I flew over to make things happen. He is in the wining stage and I am either mad or numb it varies. How and where have I gone.
Regardless of "being friends", it would be best to break it off entirely because you are obviously not able to be just friends. Even if you could, eventually, it would be good to take a break entirely so you can allow time for the romantic feelings to fade. However, that being said, if a guy is going to have a "friend" that is a woman, then the wife darn well better know the woman and be in their social circle as well and the wife know about the friendship.

As far as the harshness, I am curious as to what you were wanting for an answer when posting this? Were you expecting anyone to say this is okay? Technically, the only questions you have asked in this posting is "How and where have I gone?" That seems to me that you are putting the blame on this all on yourself? Believe me, if you let him go, completely, it must be completely, no contact, you might be sad at first, but you also might surprise yourself at how liberated you will feel.
All this I said, I do have to make sure you know that I am NOT a psychologist and therapy might be a good suggestion for you because it sounds like you could possibly have some issues (some not mentioned here perhaps) that need to be addressed because you allow yourself to be in such a disfunctional relationship and even want it to continue.