bob82 is offline bob82 Post #1  June 28,2009, 9:32pm
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I always pay for the first date and I'm smart enough not to fall for the trick when the girl offers to pay something.

However, I feel at some point I should stop being the ATM of the relationship and paying everytime especially when it's a "nice" place.

Ok I make 6 figures and usually make a lot more than my dates but I've earned every penny by working hard.

Eventually I would like a partner that is down to earth because I like to save and eventually donate money to a greater cause. Sure it's nice spending $100-200 for dinner and drinks once in a while but how do I let me dates know I don't think it's appropriate every date or even weekly.

I feel a lot of the girls are impressed by going somewhere "nice" maybe because they aren't used to going there themselves but I want it to be a fun experience not an expectation.
 
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Jacquesne is offline Jacquesne Post #2  June 28,2009, 10:21pm
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Oh, Lord, did you have to use "ATM?" Could you use bank or something else?

Yes, I have a dirty mind. If you don't know what ATM is other than Automatic Teller Machine you don't need to know.

But boy was I ready to lock down an inappropriate thread when I saw that title. Scared the begeezies outta me .

Well, uh, to actually answer your question (hopefully without being too distracted by your unfortunate terminology or my unfortunately damaged mind) I would challenge some of the assumptions I see within your OP. What do I mean by assumptions?

You say you don't "fall for the trick" of letting a girl pay when she offers. Before all the lovely ladies of eHarmony Advice start pouring in here with their own versions of "why are you assuming it's a trick? I don't play those games!" I'd like to point out that's probably going to happen. And it is reflected in the rest of what you wrote.

You seem to believe that women are after your money and are perhaps a bit resentful of this. While this is not uncommon perhaps looking at it from her perspective will help. To her it's not the money, the fancy dinner, or any of that which is important. Most women are not going to spend an hour or more getting dressed up to go on a potentially horrible date just to get a free meal. It simply isn't worth it.

To her the payment of meals is simply a courtesy thing. She's not testing to see if you have the dough to support her lifestyle. She's testing your social skills if there's even a test involved. For many people it's assumed that if you invite someone to a date or such that you are going to pay.

Take this scenario. She invites you over for dinner. She makes a nice dinner, sets the table, lights the candles, and then asks you for fifty bucks to help pay for the groceries. How would you take that? It would seem a bit odd, would it not? Especially if she can afford it?

Why would it seem odd for most people? Because she invited you over. Since most "first dates" are initiated by the guy we usually pay for them. It's a courtesy thing. Unless a girl is very materialistic she isn't going be worried about seeing if you have the cash for the meal. She's going to be trying to see if she wants a relationship with you. If you create an argument over finances, directly or indirectly, on your first meaning it will likely create a perspective of too much drama or being overly stingy.

I would highly recommend doing what you said and trying dates that aren't $100-$200 meals at fancy restaurants. Go have a picnic at a park or a burger at a pier with the sun setting. A first date (or the first several) should be fun. If a fancy dinner is fun then go for it. But she's rarely going to a date with you looking for your wallet. She's looking to enjoy herself and see if she enjoys being somewhere with you.

Keep that in mind. And keep ATM out of my mind. Durn you!

Jacquesne
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #3  June 28,2009, 10:23pm
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Maybe part of the problem is thinking it's a trick when a woman offers to pay for something on the first date. You've developed an expectation right from the get-go. Perhaps your experience is different, but when I offer to pay for something, it's not a trick, it's a genuine offer. Some women assume if this is refused at this point, it always will be, and they don't offer again.

Also, it could be the type of woman you are choosing to date. A woman who expects you to always take her someplace where you drop $100 - 200 on dinner every time you go out doesn't really seem to be of much character in my book. It could be a financial difficulty, as well. I know I would be extremely uncomfortable in this kind of a situation, as I know I can't afford this kind of a regular outing, or even a portion of it, on a regular basis.

I am curious as to why you feel the need to take your dates to such expensive places right off the bat? I realize that you can afford this, but is it necessary right away? This creates a first impression, and it sounds like it's one that you don't necessarily desire to make. So if you want to reserve this kind of a thing for something special, maybe take your dates someplace not so pricey to begin with, and then that kind of an expectation won't be there. Then you don't become the ATM that you are hoping to avoid being, and perhaps more women will be offering to assist with the bill.

I know I've made a lot of assumptions here, and I guess I'm just trying to fill in some blanks in my mind from your post. If I'm off base, my apologies. I do hope you find a solution that suits you!
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #4  June 28,2009, 10:29pm
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Jacquesne wrote :
Yes, I have a dirty mind. If you don't know what ATM is other than Automatic Teller Machine you don't need to know.
Jacquesne! Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Your advice, though, is great.

+1
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #5  June 28,2009, 10:48pm
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my best friend, a guy, and i have always had a deal. if i want to go somewhere that's not really in his budget, i pay and vice versa. i think you can just say you're watching your budget. plus, a relationship is supposed to move forward. you're supposed to move from just going out on dates to being together - although of course a date night every week goes a long way to keeping a relationship alive.

my boyfriend, who makes a lot more than i do like you, usually sports me on dinner. we have special occasion restaurants and everyday ones. have to admit his paying probably helps our relationship. when i pay, he acts like i've rejected him. don't think he really knows it, because he thinks it's ok. it just also kinda makes him sad. i think there's a little bit of war that goes on between the intellect ("play fair") and instinct ("provide") there. so i think when the woman does pay for herself, a man has to maybe watch his reactions.
 
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bob82 is offline bob82 Post #6  June 28,2009, 11:04pm
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I'm not that naive - the first date I always just meet for coffee or a drink. It's a quick getaway for both parties and yes I pay.

I had a social experiment:
1) I took one girl I met off EH to a nice dinner on the second date and used a restaurant.com coupon so the bill came to about $30 after tax/tip.

I kissed her goodnight and later she told me she didn't feel the chemistry.

2) I met a second girl the week after and we went to a $200 restaurant. All of the sudden she feels the romance and we end up hooking up at the end of the night.

I don't mind paying for the expensive second date and it does appear to be a necessity.

I don't even mind paying for the expensive date once in a while.

What I want to is to break the habit that I'm the ATM without seeming cheap. I invite her over for dinner and cook and that's inexpensive but that's not the issue. It's more that she should feel $200 is still money that could be used for something else and I think she would appreciate it more if she were paying for it some times.

Sure the sex can be good but I feel pretty dirty if it's costing me the same as a professional that charges for that sort of thing.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #7  June 29,2009, 4:02am
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brneyedangel wrote :
Maybe part of the problem is thinking it's a trick when a woman offers to pay for something on the first date. You've developed an expectation right from the get-go. Perhaps your experience is different, but when I offer to pay for something, it's not a trick, it's a genuine offer. Some women assume if this is refused at this point, it always will be, and they don't offer again.

Also, it could be the type of woman you are choosing to date. A woman who expects you to always take her someplace where you drop $100 - 200 on dinner every time you go out doesn't really seem to be of much character in my book. It could be a financial difficulty, as well. I know I would be extremely uncomfortable in this kind of a situation, as I know I can't afford this kind of a regular outing, or even a portion of it, on a regular basis.

I am curious as to why you feel the need to take your dates to such expensive places right off the bat? I realize that you can afford this, but is it necessary right away? This creates a first impression, and it sounds like it's one that you don't necessarily desire to make. So if you want to reserve this kind of a thing for something special, maybe take your dates someplace not so pricey to begin with, and then that kind of an expectation won't be there. Then you don't become the ATM that you are hoping to avoid being, and perhaps more women will be offering to assist with the bill.

I know I've made a lot of assumptions here, and I guess I'm just trying to fill in some blanks in my mind from your post. If I'm off base, my apologies. I do hope you find a solution that suits you!
Ditto, to your comments.
When I offer to pay, it is genuine out of courtesy.
I also agree that the $100-$200 dates should come after you have already been on a date or two and not the first date.
The poster doesn't mention whether the expensive dates are first dates, but he does imply that it is. I actually prefer lesser expensive dates for the first dates, heck it can even be just going for a walk around the park, a great way to get to know someone.
I am always concerned that if we don't end up hitting it off, (and sometimes you know pretty quickly), I don't like the thought of him spending all that money for nothing.

Well, not nothing I guess really, because I have rarely had a bad date. At the very least I get a nice conversation and an evening out.

I did have one guy who bought dinner on a first date and then proceeded to order a $100 bottle of wine. However, he was also very clear early on in the date that he could afford to do it and it was he enjoyed fine wine. He had the attitude also that it was just good getting out and having good company too, the difference being he could easily spend that much on a first date.

However, even people with money, don't have to go to an expensive place when they feel like eating. Sometimes the quaint Mom and Pop places can even be the best for atmosphere as well as good food, if not goumet.

A guy sometimes wants to impress, but it is best to save that for date 3 or later and just keep it "real" and simple for the first few dates.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #8  June 29,2009, 4:25am
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Sorry Bob,

I didn't read your second post before I replied previously.

Well, who's to say that the first date that you mentioned rejected you because of the $ amount of the dinner, maybe it was simply a chemistry thing. Or maybe she did think you were cheap because of the "coupon" thing. Some women are offended by that but I think that is a stupid attitude. Frugality can be attractive but cheapness is not. But do you really know if that was the reason or not? So, don't assume.

And the second date that you hooked up with, maybe it was physical chemistry rather than the money? Although I do admit that sometimes the "money" is attractive to women as well and I am sorry that there are some of us out there that are like that.

I have been out with a few guys that had money and had wonderful dates and there was no real chemistry and then later I would think "gee, it's too bad I don't like him more, because of the money". But with me, it's either there or it is not.

I have a girlfriend who has been married to her husband for over 20 years and when she first met him he had money and then later lost it (reasons unknown to me) and yet she is still with him because she loves him.

I am sure it must be hard for you to know if someone likes you for "you" or your money. I have also heard of some women that go out with guys just so they can be "wined and dined" and will "use" a guy and have no intention to sleep with them.

I have also experienced the opposite in that I see dating profiles of guys who flaunt their money and are not the most attractive men and yet they want "young things" and "hot women" because they know they can get them simply because they have money.
Then later they complain about the women only liking them for their money....

My advice to guys advertising themselves on dating profiles where you list income is to not put your income down at all and don't post photos of your Ferrari, etc. so you don't attract the Golddiggers (please note, I am not saying you did this, it is just general advice) and can attract real women.

Well, I don't know if I have helped or not with my comments, but good luck to you. There are some "gems" out there so just be aware and patient.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #9  June 29,2009, 4:53am
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Would you mind being a constant ATM for a girl who does not mind constantly giving you an ATM?

If a girl wants to see you more only because you take her to expensive places, then she does not really like you for who you are. The coupon thing is kinda iffy though - it may be because she feels that is kinda tacky/unromantic for a second date, not because of the $30 bill.

A girl may think that $100-$200 dinners show that you want to make her feel special and therefore will like you better. To me a good test will then be to do things that don't cost much money but does show a great deal of effort or your attentiveness to what she said she likes. If she does not appreciate that and only appreciates the monetary things, then I'll say she values money differently than you do. If you're not OK with that, dump her.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  June 29,2009, 5:15am
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This sounds so conflicted. You want to impress them but you resent it when they are impressed? This donation to a "greater cause".. not dating and impressing women? Just don't take them to an expensive place, and they won't "expect" it. If it's part of your wine & dine-them-into-bed budget, why resent it?. You sound very tight with your money , and then think if she pays it's a "trick"? They can't win, they pay=trick. you pay= you're an ATM. I think you have issues with money and trying to buy affection.
bob82 wrote :
I always pay for the first date and I'm smart enough not to fall for the trick when the girl offers to pay something.

However, I feel at some point I should stop being the ATM of the relationship and paying every time especially when it's a "nice" place.

OK ,I make 6 figures and usually make a lot more than my dates but I've earned every penny by working hard.

Eventually I would like a partner that is down to earth because I like to save and eventually donate money to a greater cause. Sure it's nice spending $100-200 for dinner and drinks once in a while but how do I let me dates know I don't think it's appropriate every date or even weekly.

I feel a lot of the girls are impressed by going somewhere "nice" maybe because they aren't used to going there themselves but I want it to be a fun experience not an expectation.
 
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