Honeybunny4989 is offline Honeybunny4989 Post #1  June 28,2009, 9:02am
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I am a 62 year old widow and joined a community center gym about 2 yrs ago. The trainer who is in his 50's started pursuing me and much against my better judgment I started seeing him outside the gym. We enjoy movies, eating out, working out, foot massages etc however this man started (and I allowed) storing things in my garage, letting me pick up the tab and constantly asking for favors. He has repeatedly "stood me up" and I keep giving him chances because he does have an appeal. When I think rationally I know this relationship is not good for me. But something keeps pulling me back. I do feel sorry for him in many respects cause he has had some bad breaks in his life but on the other hand he also keeps dwelling on that and never hesitates to talk about it: he is not a positive person at all and I am. Whenever I tell him its over he is very persistent and knowing I will see him at the gym makes it more diffucult. My whole acceptance of this "relationship" is contrary to what I have ever put up with before. I have my own home and live confortably but am also too generous to people to a fault. My best friend says he is a "user' through and through. He seems to gravitate toward women who are stable and self suffient.

Any "objective" advice is needed and feel free to be blunt.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  June 28,2009, 9:37am
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I am a 58 year old widow. I was head over heels in love with my husband from day one. I am going to assume you loved your husband as well. My advice hinges on that expectation...

What would your husband say??? Would he approve, or would he think less of you? Did you trust his judgement when he was here, and if so, why not trust that judgement now?

The things I would have wanted for my husband (had I died first) I think he would want for me. That may include finding love again someday. But any new man will have to measure up to a pretty big man. I deserve nothing less than that. Do you?

I hope you don't think I've been harsh. I get where you're coming from. But if you are willing to settle for less than what you want, that less is what you will get!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  June 28,2009, 9:40am
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In my opinion, you should be contributing to the cost of your dating – roughly equally. You should not be expecting a man to fund your lifestyle desires.

If you are always paying, for things that you choose to do, that is your choice. If you are paying for things that he wants, I would cut that off completely. Personally, I am not aligned with a viewpoint which would refer to a man as a “user” for sharing costs – rather, it is the woman who is when she does not.

I would not tolerate “being stood up” routinely except for employment-related reasons. I suggest putting him on notice with this, that you won’t tolerate it. Personally, I am willing to adapt my expectations to accommodate a partner’s work demands, and allow my dating to be flexible.

I would probably provide no-cost favors to a committed partner that saved my partner expense (such as storing stuff.)

His attitude is a harder issue: if you bring up the issues that he is “dwelling on,” then you can avoid those topics; if he brings them up, you can try changing the subject; if that doesn’t work, I would ask him to have a different topic.

***

One thing to consider, if the situation is steadily getting worse I think the wisest action is to take aggressive action to halt the decline and get it going in a positive direction, and be prepared to end it if your efforts are ineffective. If it is less-than-ideal but already getting better, I favor minor changes and patience.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #4  June 28,2009, 10:02am
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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It sounds like your best friend truly has your interests at heart and is giving you good advice based on how well she knows you and her observations of your relationship.

Feeling needed can be a very powerful draw to a relationship, and those positive feelings that one gets from being with someone you are attracted to are powerful reinforcers -- even if the relationship isn't a healthy one. It sounds, too, like he is very adept at identifying your vulnerabilities (including your loneliness) and targeting them.

It's up to you to decide what you want to put up with. If seeing him again at the gym prevents you from sticking to your guns after you've told him that you want to end the relationship, then change gyms or take a hiatus from going to this one. There are always other options out there (e.g., community ed classes, etc.) that you can access for exercise.

Good luck to you.
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #5  June 28,2009, 12:33pm

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unfortunately, too many people confuse generosity as a sign of weakness

those people need to be hurt ... badly
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #6  June 28,2009, 1:04pm
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Nothing to see here at all...

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I'm with your friend and NearDC on this one
But I'll give you a slighly different reasoning.
You are not married, you are dating. It's supposed to be fun, enjoyable and enhance your self-esteem (especially with a yonger man ), not lose it. Finance, storage, etc can be worked out if the happy factor is there.

Relationships are not about being right or wrong, who pays, who calls, etc. They are about two people enriching each other's lives and making them happier. If your relationship brings you here looking for your self-esteem, it's a sign to leave. It really doesn't sound like this one would be worth any additional effort. Maybe find a new gym, with an even cuter instructor, you never know...

Good luck!
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #7  June 28,2009, 1:07pm
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Nothing to see here at all...

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txbubba wrote :
those people need to be hurt ... badly
Have you considered opening your own counseling service? I can think of a few people, who would probably love to join you in dispensing such insightful advice...
 
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Honeybunny4989 is offline Honeybunny4989 Post #8  June 28,2009, 3:09pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I am a 58 year old widow. I was head over heels in love with my husband from day one. I am going to assume you loved your husband as well. My advice hinges on that expectation...

What would your husband say??? Would he approve, or would he think less of you? Did you trust his judgement when he was here, and if so, why not trust that judgement now?

The things I would have wanted for my husband (had I died first) I think he would want for me. That may include finding love again someday. But any new man will have to measure up to a pretty big man. I deserve nothing less than that. Do you?

I hope you don't think I've been harsh. I get where you're coming from. But if you are willing to settle for less than what you want, that less is what you will get!
I never thought about this from your point of view and it is very enlightening. My husb and I were very much in love and compatible and he would not want anything less than what we had. Thanks!
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  June 28,2009, 5:59pm
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I think the same. I've been thinking about you all day.

If I ever find a man to measure up to the finest man I ever knew, my husband would be my biggest fan cheering me on! I really wouldn't be happy if I settled for anything less than that.

Don't you settle for anything less than what you had with your husband. It would besmirch the memory of the love you shared. And you deserve better.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #10  June 28,2009, 6:18pm
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has quickly adapted back to her lazy lifestyle

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IcecreamMoon wrote :
Maybe find a new gym, with an even cuter instructor
... who will not use your place as a free storage or keep asking you to do things for him.
 
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