'I feel like I shouldn't have to have sex with you'


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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #31  July 8,2009, 6:43am
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BikerBeagle wrote :
Sadly, that's often all we have to work with here on the boards ...one side of a three sided story (his, hers, and the truth). Be that as it may, you and your fiance' have issues to discuss.

You say you aren't cheating? ...a lot of people here - myself included - believe that kissing another guy IS cheating and no one - myself included - believes that old "he kissed me and I had no choice" story. It begs the question, why are you putting yourself in situations where you have no control over what happens to you?? The way you handled it, by turning it back around on your fiance', rather than just admitting to making a mistake and accepting responsibility for it, was wrong and is indicative of your so-called 'character'.

"I feel like I shouldn't have to have sex with you" - did you really say this to your fiance'? ...the man you have agreed to spend the rest of your life with? Seriously? ...because, honestly, yes you do. When you take apart all of the different kinds of relationships you can have with another person, physical intimacy is truly the only thing separating your life partner from just being a 'really good friend'. It's not that you are 'proving' you love him, you are proving that he is special to you in a way that no one else is (that's why cheating - sharing that intimacy with someone else - is so incredibly wrong and ends relationships when it happens).

Honestly, I don't think you are ready to be calling anyone your fiance'. You are going out and putting yourself in situations that you - apparently - have no control over without an exit strategy, you aren't communicating with him in a way that you should be (his coming here bears this out ...he wouldn't need to if you were open and honest with him), and frankly, you are displaying serious symptoms of being too much of a victim in your own life to be considering sharing that life with someone else right now.

I'm sorry, this sounds harsh ...but I believe in tough love.
I agree 100%. I'd like to also add that a lot of OPs make a post with no background information in their profile so there is plenty of room for speculation, especially about age and maturity. Oftentimes it seems that some of them are still in high school and have some growing up to do.

Back to the subject of the OP...

Anyone who makes sex out to be a chore, a bargaining chip or withholding it as a weapon is dooming the relationship no matter what the underlying cause is. The fiance needs help before this relationship can progress any further.
 
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oostitch is offline oostitch Post #32  July 8,2009, 2:02pm
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she should want to have sex with you, not 'have' to! so that sounds like a manipulative little game she has going on. as far as the depression and medication, that is actually true, they do have an effect on your libido but speaking from someone who's been there, i never let it take over my life. and your jealousy is justifiable! she kissed another guy and tells you she gets hit on by men. she knows exactly what she's doing by telling you, it is a way to have contol.

if youre having so many issues before marriage, imagine after. you need to have a nice long talk with her and consider counseling.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #33  July 8,2009, 3:32pm
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oostitch wrote :
if youre having so many issues before marriage, imagine after. ...
After she eats wedding cake?
 
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ohemgee is offline ohemgee Post #34  July 10,2009, 9:54pm
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His fiance again...

I cant believe there is all of this fuss just because I dont want to be sexually active. You people need some serious help...

In no way or form should I have to prove myself to anyone other than the guy im with but I never cheated on him and thats that. Just because I got caught off guard and got kissed, doesnt mean that I wanted that to happen AT ALL. No way. I was with a new friend that I made (not friends anymore) and was the only one that was not drinking at the gathering so I think I was more than responsible.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #35  July 10,2009, 10:51pm
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ohemgee wrote :
His fiance again...

I cant believe there is all of this fuss just because I dont want to be sexually active. You people need some serious help...

In no way or form should I have to prove myself to anyone other than the guy im with but I never cheated on him and thats that. Just because I got caught off guard and got kissed, doesnt mean that I wanted that to happen AT ALL. No way. I was with a new friend that I made (not friends anymore) and was the only one that was not drinking at the gathering so I think I was more than responsible.
I'm going to take this at face value and assume it really is the fiance that is posting. Just before she posted this she posted (and then I guess edited) that she had been sexually abused just prior to going out with this guy and was trying to get over that.

If you go back and read my original post on this thread I still stand by it X2 with the information you've disclosed.

It wasn't just the denial of sex, but the way it was described that you were handling this situation. I think I and others said to the OP that the behavior indicated you needed some help, and it had nothing to do with him. The advice is still the same, he should postpone the wedding indefinitely until there are signs that you are ready for a relationship. When I first read what he said about the very sexualized nature of the relationship at the beginning and then a very strong turn in the opposite direction; my first thoughts were that there could be a history of some kind of sexual trauma. I've seen this before, and I've read about it on several occasions. A woman who has been through sexual trauma can sometimes jump into a sexual relationship as a means to escape what happened but then at some point she changes and is turned off. What's worse though is when she tries to portray her partner as overbearing or some kind of perv because he wants the same degree of sexual interaction. Whether she realizes it or not she is transferring her feelings about the person who abused her onto the person she is currently with.

I'm really really sorry this happened to you, and I'm glad that you are seeking help to deal with this. I would be very surprised if your therapist feels it is a good idea for you to be engaged and planning a wedding when you are at the early stages of dealing with this kind of issue. I've got to be honest with you and tell you that what your fiance describes as your efforts to turn things around on him is indicative of someone who is not dealing with certain issues and is looking for a target to redirect them on.

I'd strongly encourage him to give you a very healthy amount of space while you deal with this. You don't work through something like this in a matter of weeks or even months.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #36  July 10,2009, 11:34pm
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manic depression is hard to live with. i don't know if a talk will help honestly. it could become a rat hole of a discussion, because there's a disconnect between the thinking and emotional minds. depending on her state, her rational mind may not truly be able to inform her emotional one. and the emotional mind is always in the driver's seat; the rational mind is just the co-pilot. you could find yourself in an unreal place through logical discussion. you could find yourself very surprised after a very sensible discussion, because nothing penetrated.

if your girlfriend is manic depressive, you can't just engage in dialog - you also have to step back and monitor the overall patterns. you will need to know when it's time to gently disengage from a conversation and break, for example, "a bad loop."
 
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