'I feel like I shouldn't have to have sex with you'


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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #11  June 27,2009, 7:36pm
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IcecreamMoon wrote :
However, there is another possibility here, and that's her searching for confirmation that your relationship has long term potential.

Fiancé is in the OP; that ought to do it.

I’d still say her technique is lacking – if anything, I think she is damaging the viability of this relationship.

(Great point about there always being another option, though.)
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #12  June 27,2009, 7:41pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Fiancé is in the OP; that ought to do it.

I’d still say her technique is lacking – if anything, I think she is damaging the viability of this relationship.

(Great point about there always being another option, though.)
I will agree with lacking technique, especially in the thread with this title

But I will still say that words are not always the same as thoughts and intentions, especially when interpretation is involved (which is common). You know that, frog. Congruity between intentions, words and actions is, however, always the desired effect, which I personally like to observe.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #13  June 27,2009, 8:35pm
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I think there are much deeper problems here than sex. This lady is going through bouts of depression and doesn't appear to be mentally stable. The fact that she turned a conversation around you on like that is an even worse sign. That means she isn't taking responsibility for where she is at or even even admitting she has a problem. That is the first step to any recovery, and if she isn't even there then that's not good at all.

My personal belief is to wait for marriage until sex, but I still believe I could spot this kind of pattern in a dating and engagement relationship even without sex. If I saw the pattern of depression and withdrawal along with periods of waning affection then I'd know something wasn't right.

As I've said before I'm not a licensed Therapist, but I do have some background in counseling, and I'm telling you this lady needs some help. I would tell her that the wedding is postponed indefinitely until she admits her need for help and seeks help. By all means volunteer to go with her, but she's going to have to recognize her need. I would tell her that if she doesn't get help then the engagement is off. If she turns this around on you then do not argue because that is the clearest sign of all that you just need to walk.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #14  June 27,2009, 10:05pm
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I agree with many posters that you need to have a serious conversation about this with your fiance. However, it seems to me that she may need to work with her doctor, too. It's true that anti-depressants can decrease libido. Also, symptoms can worsen if the dosage is not balanced correctly. Sometimes, one must even switch medications entirely to get the right balance. I've struggled with depression for several years and have had to change medications more than once because something either didn't work at all or worked for a while, then seemed to lose some of it's effectiveness.

God luck!
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #15  June 28,2009, 12:42am
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If your instincts tell you she is cheating, then go with them. Trust your instincts. Everything you say indicate she is.

Basically, she doesn't want to have sex with you because she is getting it from someone else. After all look at what she does: she turns it around to make you the bad guy.

It seems to me like she is trying to get you to dump her by denying you sex, rather than just straight out dumping you. I'd oblige her and end it.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #16  June 28,2009, 1:53am
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I think from what you've shared, your fiancee is still suffering from depression. Unless I'm reading incorrectly, it also seems as if it may now be untreated depression. I remember going to one friend's home after I became concerned at her lack of contact ... I got there and stood in her doorway in tears. She was so sunk into her depression she was beyond caring for herself in any way. The filth and stench was indescribable. She wasn't selfish, or manipulative ... she was ill.

If you've not already, you should discuss with her your concern re your dwindling sex life. Sex is an integral part of a loving, healthy and committed relationship ... you could say that you miss being able to demonstrate your love for her physically/sexually. I don't know enough about depression though, to know whether this could be more detrimental than helpful to her.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #17  June 28,2009, 3:39am
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Agree with this, regardless of her medical/ libido problems, why is she dangling "all these men hitting on her" thing under your nose? Does she need attention, or having fun trying to make you jealous?. Maybe counseling, but this is a cat and mouse game, not a relationship.
D_Lion wrote :
Fiance is in the OP; that ought to do it.

I’d still say her technique is lacking – if anything, I think she is damaging the viability of this relationship.

(Great point about there always being another option, though.)
 
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The1Tomcat is offline The1Tomcat Post #18  June 28,2009, 11:25am
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
If your instincts tell you she is cheating, then go with them. Trust your instincts. Everything you say indicate she is.

Basically, she doesn't want to have sex with you because she is getting it from someone else. After all look at what she does: she turns it around to make you the bad guy.

It seems to me like she is trying to get you to dump her by denying you sex, rather than just straight out dumping you. I'd oblige her and end it.
+1

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, then something is wrong 99% of the time. Why is she contacting an ex to call him an asshole? Why is she making a point of telling you in round about ways about other men hitting on her?

It could be mental and frankly probably is. Too many warning signs. Have the frank and honest discussion and postpone the wedding until these things are resolved. It'll be really tough but the alternative is WAY worse... trust me I've been in your boat and didn't abandon ship soon enough. From what you said my knee jerk reaction was to think she's cheating on you, and she feels trapped in by the whole marriage thing and is probably hoping you will call it off so she doesn't have to be the "bad guy" in the eyes of everyone else.

I could be totally wrong, so have that straight up discussion that the others suggested and go from there.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #19  June 28,2009, 12:05pm
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I don't know if she's 100% cheating, but it's on her mind. chances are though, it's the depression making her want to stray- or maybe she's depressed because she's unhappy with the relationship and isn't able to express it in a honest open way.
 
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Lisa4fellowship is offline Lisa4fellowship Post #20  June 28,2009, 1:31pm
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Hi,

I completely agree with abstinance outside the marriage covenent. If however you have had that kind of relationship already with your fiance, and now she's not desiring it, I can see why you would want to know where the change is coming from.

I commend you for the honesty about your own weaknesses. Thank you for being willing to present some of what "her side of the story" might be. Verry Cool of you.
The first thing I want to address, is unrelated to her lack of desire. I want to point out the issue you are NOT recognising within yourself.

I am not at all intersted in blame games. Please see this for what it is.
You ackknowledge that you are jelouse. That's a very positive step.
It would be beneficial to you, for your own personal development to take a look at what you have allowed that emotion to instigate you to do.

You invaded your fiance's space/ privacy by reading her e- mail against her wishes. You knew she was attempting to gain controll of her own privacy, because you discovered she changed her password. You breached it anyway.

You deleted mail that belonged to her, without her permission. In doing so, you took away her choice, to receive that mail, her choice and ability to consider it, and her choice and ability to deal with that ex boyfreind the way SHE deems appropriate. It was after all HER past relationship, and her place to respnond or not, according to what SHE is compfortable with.

By chosing to interfere, and breach her privacy, you are demonstrating the desire to control another person. It is very likely that if you did these things you have done other conrtolling things as well.

This is possibly a CONTRIBUTER to her lack of desire.

I would like to suggest that you are personaly not ready for an intimate realationship with another person until you are completely compfortable and happy with who you are. Not willing to controll another person in order to form your own happiness.

Otherwise, your fiance is demonstrating common side effects of people who have suffered from sexual abuse. Maybe she has NOT ever been sexualy abused. If she has, it may have been many years ago. Effects from that can lay dormant and then surface, and then sleep again, and then surface, and continue like this in different degrees, depending on how a person deals with it.

I disagree with walters indirect suggestion that you should indirectly give your Fiance' an ultimatum. Counseling or lose you. I think you should encourage her to seek counseling for her own health, as a person who cares about her. I also think you should seek counseling for your own health, as a person who wants to be healthy, and able to respect a loving woman someday.

I think it would be positive for both of you to recognise and verbalise,
that for whatever reasons, neither of you are happy with where the relationship is right now, and neither of you are wanting it to continue in it's present status.

Take care,
Lisa
 
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