moorheadgirl83 is offline moorheadgirl83 Post #1  June 25,2009, 7:26am
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Please help. I have a serious delima and you guys have helped me before. I have been best friends with a young lady that I will call my sister since I moved here three years ago. We hit it off instantly, and share everything. We babysit for each other, etc.. well, recently I found out that she is homosexual. I don't have a problem with that, because she knows that I am not like that. The problem is...I am a very attractive young lady and her girlfriend 'hates my guts'. She controls my friend, her whereabouts, her money, etc. I have voiced my concern about this, but my friend is so 'caught up' in this woman that she won't listen to me. She abuses her, calls her names, and belittles her. I have been open about my protests of this, and her 'girlfriend' knows it.
Anyway, recently, I saw my friend at the store, and she walked right by me and didnt' speak. I just assumed she didn't see me or whatever. Then I passed her driving and she didn't look my way.
I figured something was wrong but didn't want to assume. I found out from a mutual friend that the 'girlfriend' told my friend that I was saying harsh, nasty things about her. As a result she also forbid my friend to talk to me, and has turned her against me.
I want to talk to my friend so bad. I am so hurt. I want to tell her that I would never do these things to her, ( she should know that by now). I want to explain to her that these are all tactics being used to ruin our friendship. I don't know what to do.
We were all at a graduation about a week ago. I saw the two of them together, but I kept my distance. I left out of the arena to go to the restroom. My friend 'followed'. ( Her girlfriend was outside mingling). Anyway, she spoke to me first, and asked how I was doing. I was schocked but I responded. I didn't have time to go into detail about anything, because I didn't want her friend to walk up on her talking to me and make my friend 'pay for it." Anyway, we cut the converstation short. I guess that was my friends way of letting me know that she really didn't believe that stuff or whatever. I am a firm believer of 'let go and let God'. I had been praying about this situation, and for God to help my friend see the truth in all of this, and to let this abusive relationship go. Maybe that was his way of giving me an answer. I was so confused because I was sure my friend hated me.
I ran into her at the day care yesterday as I was picking up my son. I spoke, and she spoke, and asked how I was doing. I could tell, though that she was trying to hurry-maybe she was afraid that I was going to strike up a conversation, and her friend would hear about it.
This is too much. I want to be there for her, because I know she needs me. But I realize that she is in a difficult situation. She apparently cares more about this 'girlfriend' than she does our friendship. Do you think I should just let it go, and leave her be?
I am so afraid for her, but my hands are tied right now. She seems to want to still be my friend, but can only say 'hi' and bye to me. Should I just leave her alone, and find another best friend. I feel like I am abandoning her. But she is putting this abusive relationship before me, please help!
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #2  June 25,2009, 9:54am
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Since you have already told your friend how you felt about her girlfriend there is nothing more that you can do. Sooner or later she is going to wake up to the fact that her loving girlfriend is a controlling abuser. All you can do is let her know that if she needs a shoulder to cry on you are there for her. Good luck
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  June 25,2009, 10:02am
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moorheadgirl83 wrote :
This is too much. I want to be there for her, because I know she needs me. But I realize that she is in a difficult situation. She apparently cares more about this 'girlfriend' than she does our friendship. Do you think I should just let it go, and leave her be?
Yep, you should just let it go. No reason not to be courteous when you run into each other (which is what she seems to be doing), but it sounds like she's made her choice ...you ain't it ...and you won't be able to change it.

If she is truly in an abusive relationship, she really needs to see it for herself and take action on her own to get out of it. You 'telling' her she's in an abusive relationship - as you've found out - is never the solution and only serves to dig a canyon between you and her. Right now, she's in love and simply can't see it ...possibly never will, but that's not your issue.

Best thing to do is to be around in case she ever needs you to be - voluntarily, on her own accord. Don't hang your life on it, though ...continue to make other friends ...if/when she comes to that point, she'll find you. In the meantime, it's not your drama, so you should remove yourself from the equation altogether.
 
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moorheadgirl83 is offline moorheadgirl83 Post #4  June 25,2009, 11:09am
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I guess you all are right. Sometimes we love someone so much till we want them to see things our way, or try to convince them..but that just pushes them away even farter. I guess if I truly care for her as a friend, I will 'set her free', ..Maybe that's better than trying to force her to be mine.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #5  June 26,2009, 4:00am
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Here are my thoughts on this. She is in an abusive relationship and she knows you know about it. Her girlfriend is restricting her contact with you and poisoning her mind with misinformation about you.
When an abusive victim seems to "choose" an abuser over a friend, the last thing you need to do is abandon the relationship.

Obviously it is hard to remain friends with her and contact her due to the circumstances, however when you do, even if it is in passing, sometimes the best thing you can do is to say "I am here for you if you ever need me".

The mistake friends sometimes make is that the abuser is purposely driving the victims friends away so that if the victim wanted to leave, they can't because they feel they have no one to turn to.

So, yes, people it is difficult to see friends or loved ones make unwise choices and/or being hurt but it actually makes it worse for them to abandon them.

Understandably, you can choose to not be around them because you do not approve of what they are allowing to happen to themselves, but please make it known to them that if they ever do make the "right" decision and leave the abuser you will still be there for them. Abusers can be good at mind control and do have an uncanny ability to sway people away from making good and right decisions.

So, please do not totally abandon your friends in these situations! Even if you cannot hang around them, let them know you are there when they leave!
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #6  June 26,2009, 4:55am
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I believe I'm a little older than you, but I have a very similar situation in my own life. One of my girldfriends has also become involved with a woman, who is not what I would call abusive, but very controlling. Because of this, my friend had to cut contact with me and a few other people, even though we have been friends for over 15 years. It's a shame, but there is not much I can do about that, unfortunately. Her partner thinks that I'm against her in some way, and even though I've tried to reassure her, both with my words and my actions, it has not done much good. She is insecure about the duration of our friendship, from what I can understand, and it's pointless to fight it.

But it's not that your friend willfully chose to end your friendship and enter a relationship with her girlfriend instead. She just needed to follow her heart. This does not mean that she does not value your friendship at all, but if the two relationships cannot co-exist in harmony, we often have to make some tough decisions. Romantic partners usually take priority, and it's natural to all of us. So, do not take this personally.

In my situation, I decided to let my friend know that I'm there for her, in case she ever wants to talk, and that my feeling of friendship towards her never changed, regardless of her relationship with her girlfriend. If anything happens between them, she knows she has my support. There is not much else I can do.

In the case of your friend, if the relationship is truly abusive, then you may need to do a little bit more. Maybe try to find the time when your friend is not in the company of her girlfriend, and gently explain your concern. Be careful that you only express concern for your friend and not attack the girlfriend, or it may backfire. And be prepared that your friend may not accept what you are trying to point out. It usually takes time before it fully sinks in. The main message you need to get across is that you are there for her, in case she ever needs you, or if she decides to discontinue her relationship with her girlfriend and needs your help and support.

Good luck!
 
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Raw_Truth is offline Raw_Truth Post #7  June 26,2009, 8:27am
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People choose to be in abusive relationships. This is something you can't choose for her.
 
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moorheadgirl83 is offline moorheadgirl83 Post #8  June 26,2009, 12:00pm
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Thanks you guys. I guess it helps to look at it from that perspective. She may be distancing herself from me out of fear of the other person. I just don't know when to come around, for fear that I will run into the girlfriend as I am trying to talk with her. Again, I am going to pray for her, and about the situation. I believe then that God will open the doors for me to have a chance to communicate with her and let her know that I am here for her. I think deep down inside, she knows that I didn't say those things, its just easier and 'safer' to go along with her girlfriend right now. But again, I will take your advice and not take it personal. I will find a way to let her know that I am always by her side whenever she needs me.
Now that I think about it, maybe the way she 'sneaked' and spoke to me at the graduation was a 'hint' that she really still wants me to be in her life. I guess I didn't look at it that way, and like you were saying, I was giving the girlfriend just what she wanted by abandoning my friend. Thanks for the advice. It really helps!
 
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