Sun_Rise is offline Sun_Rise Post #1  June 18,2009, 6:01pm
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I am interested in advice on dating after the death of my fiance. We dated for two years and he was the love of my life. He was not a perfect person, nor did we have a perfect relationship. But, things were good, really good! He took care of my heart in a way I had never experienced. We were making plans to marry and buy a house when he passed away suddenly 6 months ago. My world was turned upside down, and the loss was devastating!

I have worked hard over the past 6 months to put the pieces back together and make my way through the healing process. Though I am still going through the grieving process, I am ready to begin to move forward with my life. Are there others out there who have shared a similar experience? What was it like getting back into dating? How did you move forward and open your heart to seek love again?

Seeking other's perspective,
Sun_Rise
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  June 18,2009, 9:03pm
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.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

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SunRise (what a beautiful name for you!)

I'm certainly no expert. My second husband died Oct 2008. We had two weeks from the time we knew he was sick till he died. Not even enough time to get scared! It was New Years before the shock wore off and reality set in...

I have finally decided to Rejoin the Living. I didn't die simply because I wanted to. The things I would want for my husband (had I died first) I think he would want for me. That includes finding the courage and the strength to go on and make a new life for myself that unfortunately does not include him... I don't know why he died and I'm left alone, but there it is. I have to make the best of things.

I count my blessings every day. At first it was a stretch to find any. Now I even count it a blessing that he died quick, that he didn't have to waste away, be an invalid, see himself diminished in his own eyes, nor in mine. I've heard it said the best death is a sudden one, and that's what he got!

I'm still feeling my way here. I'm nowhere near being able to date again. But I figure with eHarmony, maybe I can dip a toe in without getting in over my head, you know?

I don't know that I can ever fall in love again. I might be able to love, though. You know the difference? I am still in love with my Knight in Shining Armor.

I do know he would want me to try. He would want me to be happy, if I can. So that is why I am here...

I'm guessing it might take another year or so before I can even think of meeting someone. But I am getting some faint glimmers of hope for my future after all these months.

I do have one piece of baggage. I have my husband's ashes. He asked to have our ashes mixed when I die, and either scattered or buried. We're Soul-Mates, and I promised him.

So any new man in my future would have to be very special indeed! Which could be a good thing...
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #3  June 19,2009, 7:06am

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sorry to hear about your loss. i think its time for you to get over your loss and move on with your life since there's nothing you can do to bring him back. i think he would want that too.
 
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MasamuneBlue84 is offline MasamuneBlue84 Post #4  June 22,2009, 9:58pm
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Firstly, big sorry for your loss.

Obvious answers are obvious, but here's one... Don't compare. There is no comparison to someone who died as "the love of your life" to someone who will just be coming into your life. Now, that doesn't mean you can't think, I like that he is like John in this respect... but don't expect a second version of your fiance, God rest his soul, to just happen into your life. All the work and such that you put into your relationship with your fiance will have to be repeated.

Now, that said, seeking another widower may not be such a bad idea. Obviously you have at least some similarity in life story, and can deal with those issues together. Not a necessity by any means, but a possibility none the less.

Will dating be different for you now? Duh, yes! It may feel strange to be back out there after losing someone who was that important to you, but just remember, don't make any new finds try to fill your late fiance's shoes.
- A. That's a sure fire way to make plenty of guys run for it, afraid of always being felt to be second best, which is not what they'd want from a significant other.
- B. Nostalgia and an idealized image of your fiance will most likely leave you feeling disappointed with every new guy. And that's NOT a good way to go about the whole "moving on with your life".
 
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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #5  June 23,2009, 11:46pm
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ended a 1 1/2 yr relationship and is sad but dating!

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My fiance died in WTC on 9/11 - we'd had 5 glorious years together and no - nothing is ever perfect, but when it's good - it's really good. Sounds like you're moving forward beautifully in the healing process. You have to listen to your heart and only do what feels right and only when it feels right. I only last year decided I wanted LOVE in my life again. I had intimate relations with friends i trusted and respected and that was sufficient for a long time. Last year though it hit me that what i'd shared before was possible to share again (though in a completely different incarnation) and i started missing it - the companionship, trust, intimacy, support, etc.... I tried chemistry (bupkus), eH (more bupkus) and a cpl other sites (i'm 43 and not doing bars/clubs). I just met a wonderful and starting dating him about 4 wks ago. I don't know where it's going, but my heart is open and i'm excited by that. Just make sure you're really ready - there's nothing wrong with being unattached! Good luck girl!
 
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HoneyBee767 is offline HoneyBee767 Post #6  September 18,2011, 8:11pm
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I have been online searching for something to give me answers on a similar topic and ran across your question. Though it does not answer mine I felt like sharing what I'm going through and maybe it will make you feel a little better about your own situation. I lost my fiance on Sept. 22. We had been friends for about 11yrs but did not have a real relationship up until about a year and a half ago. The extent of our friendship was mostly just keeping in touch. Mostly "how have you been" and "what have you been up to since the last time we talked", and the periods in between would be as much as a couple years. When we got together I knew he was my soulmate and that we would grow old together. Over the past year and a half we have been having problems with our relationship but there was never any question that we both loved each other and wanted our relationship to last. His death was very unexpected. He went to the hospital on the 21st for chest pains and was kept there until the next day. They were about to release him from the hospital an hour before they decided they needed to do a heart cath. on him to make sure there wasn't an issue with his heart. The trauma of the operation caused him to have a heart aneurism. So with all that, the question I've been trying to wrap my head around has been this: It has only been a little over 2wks and I already feel like I've gone through the whole grieving process. I don't understand how that is even possible and how I can already feel like moving on. I'm sorry to reply to your question with a question but yours is the first that I've found in my search that has a similar timeline to my own relationship and is ready to start dating earlier than a year or two. I'm not on here looking for anyone, only here because I really want to understand all this.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  September 18,2011, 11:09pm
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Hi HoneyBee767 and welcome to eHA.

What a terrible thing. I'm so sorry for your loss.

If it's only been a little over 2 weeks, I'd hold off on getting involved in dating again just yet. My experience with death/big loss is that it takes quite a few months just to normalize again, let alone "get over it". Thought processes are not normal, and feelings are overwhelming or absent. It can change you: you could have somewhat different values and goals after awhile.

That may not happen for you, but it might; it has for me and I've seen it in other people. Give yourself some time.
 
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andyku is offline andyku Post #8  September 19,2011, 6:39am
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Thanks to everyone whom shared here openly.
Thanks to Sassafras54 advice too.

My fiance died on 5th SEP 2011, I'm still grieving at the moment, I've been through the days up till now standing strong, but sad emotions bounces back all of a sudden that I've no where to turn to. (Somehow I am still able to manage them via writings, analysing, readings and self-conversation.)

She has been with me, and I've been deeply in-love with her, for the past 9 years, and I'm lost now, she's the perfect one, and so am I for her. Sadly the deadly Leukemia doesn't see it my way.

I am wondering how am I suppose to move on but found that there are people who has similar fate. I'll heed the advice to cool down at least with as much time as I possibly needs, then only I can move on clean and proud, for her sake.

(I felt that I'm dead when she's gone, I still do, so everyone that knows about our long time happy relationship is worried of me, but I'll move ahead one step at a time until she sees me smiling again.)
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  September 19,2011, 10:54am
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Hi andyku and welcome.

That is very sad, and I wish you well in your healing.

There is a group here on eHA for widows and widowers; you might be interested in reading through it and perhaps posting there too. It does help to talk with people who've been through it. Here's the link: Widow / Widowers

(Since it's a Group, you have to join it to be able to post in it ... click the Join button at the top of the Group homepage.)
 
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swirly is offline swirly Post #10  September 19,2011, 12:35pm
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through something similar. We had talked about marriage, house, kid names, our families were involved. Marriage was inevitable.

I didn't date for a really long time, maybe 2 years. I still sometimes compare people I meet to him. When I meet someone new, I don't dwell on the past. I answer their question with just enough information but I don't over-explain. I don't think that is necessary in the beginning.

Another thing is, I had to learn to accept someone as a an entirely different person. Different qualities, different quirks, different personality. I had to learn that a new relationship will never be the same as the previous one. When I was able to accept that (and I couldn't for awhile), I was ready for the new chapter in my life.
 
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