Zuie is offline Zuie Post #1  June 18,2009, 3:10am
Zuie's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 1

See profile

My boyfriend is 21, I'm 20. We are very much in love, together almost 3yrs, and have been through a lot together. We're as close as can be, best friends, and so much more. Our biggest problem is that his mother doesn't like me, and is majorly controlling. It wasn't too big of a problem, until just under a year ago, when she banned him from seeing me altogether. I think it has a lot to do with separating from her husband and him moving out, her best friend dying from cancer, and my boyfriend going back to college and moving out. She's depended on him a lot, to totally inappropriate levels. She's insisted on him being at home almost all the time, to be there for her and do the cooking and cleaning and everything else around the house. He is the middle brother, and while he lived an hour away for college, his siblings both lived at home. His older brother works during the day, but his younger brother is 18 and home all of the time. We secretly lived together and saw each other on weekends, but there were plenty of weekends when she kept him at home, and even weeks when she stopped him from going to college. She's also stolen his mobile phone, keeping it and the house phone locked in her room, and kept him off of the computer so he couldn't get on the internet. I honestly amn't exaggerating any of this. Last weekend, she argued with him for eleven hours straight, keeping him at home because she knew he was coming to see me. This was between 8PM and 7AM. She kept him up all night yelling at him. He said he'd never seen her so angry. She had even gone out herself, and was calling the house every fifteen minutes to make sure he was at home. He still tried to walk into town (it's an hour's walk, and this was at night), and she came and found him and brought him home. According to him, she eventually said she wouldn’t stop him from seeing me anymore, and he walked in. I wasn’t nearly as trustful of this as he was, as she’d always threatened to send him away if he ever saw me again, but he stayed with me for the weekend and then went home. As soon as he did, she took his phone and sent him to his Dad’s two hours away, where he’s never even been before. I’m so terrified that I’ll never see him again, I don’t know what to do. I really don’t feel like I can do anything. I mean at all. I can’t bring myself to leave the house or talk to my friends or even shower. I’m barely sleeping or eating. Just living is so hard right now without him. There’s just no point to anything. I hate this horrible woman for destroying my happiness, because I know that wherever he is my boyfriend is going through the same thing, and that’s a pain I just can’t cope with.
 
  Reply With Quote
avinash is offline avinash Post #2  June 18,2009, 3:32am
avinash's Avatar

is happy.

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 204

See profile

Well you shouldn't double post topics, if its in the wrong section, a mod will move it.

As for controlling mothers well this one makes my mom seem perfectly sane, your boyfriend probably just needs to cut the strings and move out on his own if he can
 
  Reply With Quote
monkeyman251 is offline monkeyman251 Post #3  June 18,2009, 3:35am
monkeyman251's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2009

australia

Posts: 13

See profile

('I think it has a lot to do with separating from her husband and him moving out')

Has his father got a leveller head than his mother? If he has maybe this could be a change for the better. I know he is now 2hrs away but could you go to see him at weekends.

Sounds like you love eachother very much and if you truely do then this is a bad time you will have to fight your way through.

My partner and i are having our own problem also (not as serious as yours) but i know that, because we love eachother so much we will sort it out. The same will for you also. Hang on.
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  June 18,2009, 4:38am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,737

See profile

This is a tough situation.

From what you describe, his mother sounds like she is a bit unhinged at the moment and in need of professional help.

As for your BF, well.....he is an adult. If his mother's behavior is interferring with his education, it's a serious problem and one he needs to take control of by moving out of her house and cuting some strings. He may want to turn to his father for some guidance and support on this if he can't do it alone at this point in his life.

The bottom line is that at some point we all have to develop an adult relationship with our parents, learn to treat each as adults, speak to each other as adults and establish some boundaries with our parents and above all else mutual respect. In his case this is going to be a difficult task, but one he'll have to figure out how to do.

Right now his mother is treating him like a little kid and seems like he is tolerating it or possibly even reacting like a little kid. Standing up to her and explaining to her what she can and cannot do, how she may and may not treat him, how she may and may not talk to him, etc. will probably be very difficult, but at some point he is going to have to leave the nest so to speak. Again, the father may be of help here.
 
  Reply With Quote
wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #5  June 18,2009, 5:26am
wordwoman's Avatar

is in contemplation

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2009

Pacific Northwest

Posts: 221

See profile

It's time for your boyfriend to behave like the adult that his age reflects. At 21, he doesn't need his mother's permission to date anyone. At 21, he can make any kind of living arrangements he wants and with whom. At 21, his mother doesn't get to decide whether he goes to school or not. At 21, his mother can't make him get into her car. At 21, his mother cannot force him to stay in her house. At 21, his mother cannot force him to live with his father if doesn't want to, not to mention if his father doesn't want him there.

While your boyfriend's mother sounds as if she has some emotional and psychological issues, your boyfriend is allowing this madness to continue unchecked, and he has the power to change it. The question I have is this: Why isn't your BF making moves to leave his mother's house and get on with living like an adult?
 
  Reply With Quote
Raw_Truth is offline Raw_Truth Post #6  June 18,2009, 6:20am
Raw_Truth's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 1,487

See profile

Sorry, but the problem is not with the mother.
 
  Reply With Quote
neardc is offline neardc Post #7  June 18,2009, 8:03am
neardc's Avatar

Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 8,050

See profile

Clearly, his mother has a lot of problems (she sounds mentally ill).

But, your problem is really with your boyfriend. He is 21 and it's time now for him to decide to be an adult and to develop an adult relationship with his mother. He simply should not be letting her direct his life to such an extreme degree. He should not be letting her take his phone. He should not be letting her "send" him anywhere. He should not be letting her "insist" that he remain at home when he doesn't want to be there or when he should be attending school instead.

Of course he should be generally respectful of his mother's wishes and concerns when they are reasonable. But, from what you are saying that is not what is going on here.

Where are his brothers in this? Have they ever had a discussion about how to handle mom and her problems in a healthy way?

What is keeping your boyfriend from leaving home and going out on his own? Is it simply a matter of her paying for his college or is it that she won't "let" him leave? If it's the former, it may be worth deferring college until he can become independent (and certainly talking with the college to find out what options are available for him to work and attend school at the same time). If it's the latter, then it's up to him to assert himself as an adult and become independent.

And for you... you will need to decide what you can tolerate and what you can't. If he is unable to act independently of his mother, is he the man you want over the longterm?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Is true love possible in a LDR without 1st meeting in person? | Ask a Dating Expert | Dating while tied up »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Is how a man treats his mother important? Sabrina31 Dating 45 July 28,2009 7:30pm
Ever have a match that seems overbearing and controlling even before you meet? Mybella Dating 12 June 14,2009 7:25pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did everything. And the repairs where sure expensive. Grr!I paid for them too. :-/” –  LadyVee

Join the “Confusing Man (LONG STORY)” discussion

“I think people change their "type" depending on what they think they need at that point in their lives. It's so subjective that it might be best if we all just let someone else choose a mate for us ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Changing your "type"” discussion

“In the end, aren't we all winners?” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Last Post Wins!” discussion

“4: sex um. both our values hold sex for marriage, so the next best thing to do when you are driven by lust, i guess is making out? If sex equals marriage, then if his goal is to have sex with you, ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Confused~ He likes me or He wants sex?” discussion

“You know, profile writers remind me of junior high school. The kids who came into an exam clueless, and just rambled on and on, hoping that in there somewhere(?) might possibly be something that the ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “How much profile do you like to read?” discussion

“Chemical burns when one splashes around in nature are no fun! Tree farming, huh. Tax breaks or love of all things tree... Tax break. (I can make these calls, because I'm on the internetz.) He ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“The standard method is to eliminate alcohol and bread (and any other gassy carbs) from your diet. You can also try saran wrapping your midsection for a few days. I've heard that works but I haven't ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Belly Fat” discussion

“My boyfriend will be meeting my ex-boyfriend for the first time this weekend so I will let you know how it goes. He almost met him awhile ago so I thought about this before. I told my boyfriend that ... ” –  alethea

Join the “Hold on, hold on, hold on!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:15am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0