relationship between boyfriend and my son


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pianogirl1 is offline pianogirl1 Post #1  June 16,2009, 1:01pm
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Here is my situation:

2 people in a relationship living in 2 separate homes.
I have a son and my b/f's kids are grown.
My b/f feels that he should have a say in how my son does things around our home, what chores he should be responsible for, rules that my son should follow, etc.

I want to know if I am wrong in saying that I am the mom and I make the rules and the chores for my son. My b/f often criticizes me for not making my son do more than he does, that we don't have certain rules that he thinks we should have, etc. I do listen to my b/f when he suggests things but it is often regarding things that I don't have a problem with or that I don't think are necessary.

My son just graduated from high school and is leaving for college in the fall. I think it would be a serious mistake to start making all these rules and regulations now when he soon ready to take off for college.

My b/f feels that this will go on for 4 years while he is in college and he says that if I don't make some changes and if he doesn't see me take charge and also give him some authority with my son that he doesn't not want to be with me. In other words how this shakes out is a deal breaker in our relationship.

I want to know if I am wrong to feel like I do. Or should I be giving my b/f more say in what happens here in my home.

Does anyone have some articles on this? I am not opposed to him having some say - but I think that my son will decide to go and live with his dad for the rest of the summer and then stay with his dad on his school breaks. I think if my b/f starts telling him what he can and can't do will send him running as fast as he can. That would break my heart.

I sure would appreciate some good advice on this. I want to keep my b/f and have a future with him but I also want to have a good relationship (like I do now) with my son.
 
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cath817 is offline cath817 Post #2  June 16,2009, 2:02pm
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Your boyfriend lives in his house and you live in yours with your son?

If that's the case, I wouldn't think it's your boyfriend's business how you and your son divide up chores at home.

It almost sounds like he's trying to make you choose between him and your son. Anyone who does that isn't worth bothering over.
Last edited by cath817; June 16,2009 at 2:04pm. Reason: Went blonde and forgot the last lil paragraph!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  June 16,2009, 2:03pm
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I’m confused … one house or two?
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  June 16,2009, 2:08pm
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In the first place, the son is basically a GROWN man.

In the second place, he's YOUR son so you should make all the rules, and your b/f should accept that.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #5  June 16,2009, 2:26pm
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[quote=D_Lion;644440]I’m confused … one house or two?
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Last edited by brneyedangel; June 16,2009 at 2:32pm. Reason: My clicking finger was faster than my brain!
 
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pianogirl1 is offline pianogirl1 Post #6  June 16,2009, 2:28pm
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D_Lion, yes 2 houses. He has his and I have mine.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #7  June 16,2009, 2:44pm
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I'm going to dissent slightly here.

First of all, if you two are living separately, then your boyfriend has NO stake in how you raise your child and the chores he does, or does not do. That is your house. Its your rules. It applies to your son, and it applies to your boyfriend as well.

Now, after saying that, my opinion differs slightly if your boyfriend lives with you and your son and you and your boyfriend share expenses of the houses, etc etc etc. He should have a say at how the house is run and how the chores are divvied up. But that being said, it doesn't mean he has to have authority over your son. That is still your domain and that will never change. What would be fair, is to divvy up the chores, where he does 1/3, you get 2/3, because technically, you have that extra body to get those chores done. It would be up to you to either do them yourself, or have your son do "his share". You should be the one to decide that, not him. Regardless, if he is paying 1/2 of house hold expenses, but contributing to the life of 3, then he is technically paying more than his share. He should not be doing 1/2 of the chores. He should be doing 1/3 of them.
 
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pianogirl1 is offline pianogirl1 Post #8  June 16,2009, 2:49pm
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[quote=D_Lion;644440]I’m confused … one house or two?
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Last edited by pianogirl1; June 16,2009 at 2:59pm.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  June 16,2009, 4:36pm
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Dafearon makes an interesting point, and well-put.
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pianogirl1 is offline pianogirl1 Post #10  June 16,2009, 4:58pm
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[quote=D_Lion;644611]
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