ellie82smiles is offline ellie82smiles Post #1  June 11,2009, 11:51pm
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Hi everyone! I am desperately in need of some advice. I have been dating an eharmony match for the past three months or so and we have had sex a couple of times recently (had not before). I have only had two prior sexual partners so I don't have a huge basis for comparison, but the first time went okay. I didn't orgasm but I told him previously that this was typical for me and that it didn't mean I didn't enjoy what we were doing very much. Afterwards when he expressed concern I reiterated what I had previously said and gave him lots of specific praise.

Unfortunately, he seems to have taken my lack of orgasm during intercourse as a challenge! He in fact said as much. And, I suspect as a result, our second time (and third, both on the same night) went horribly. He started trying all kinds of different moves and techniques which were awkward and sometimes painful for me. I tried to redirect him in the moment, tried giving body language and making sounds to show what I liked and what I didn't but he just kept going back to the uncomfortable stuff.

Afterwards he asked me repeatedly if I had enjoyed it as much as he had. I told him some parts I had enjoyed but definitely avoided saying that it was good. Mostly I told him I enjoyed being close to him and I have kind of dodge the questioning since. (This all happened three days ago).

I get the sense that he is pretty insecure about his sexual abilities because he is always asking me over and over again if I enjoyed what we did, what part I enjoyed the most etc. And has become defensive when I have made minor problem solving comments in the past. I don't know how to deal discuss this with him without him losing confidence or getting defensive. But at this point, I have no desire to have sex with him again.

Any help anyone could give on ways to bring this up--wording and timing suggestions especially--would be greatly appreciated. He doesn't seem to respond to suggestions, body language, or subtlety. I have told him things I prefer and he does them, and then immediately goes back to the other. So I think I will need to be pretty direct but don't want to hurt him. Thanks for reading all this and for any help you can give me.
 
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JoJoBean is offline JoJoBean Post #2  June 12,2009, 4:47am
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Can I suggest a great book you to could read together?
It is called
Orgasms
How to have them, give them and keep them coming.
By Lou Paget
Happy reading
 
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JoJoBean is offline JoJoBean Post #3  June 12,2009, 4:48am
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Can I say also? if you are not in to this guy.... buy the book for your self.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #4  June 12,2009, 5:18am
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has all the tools and can........satisfy

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ellie82smiles wrote :
He doesn't seem to respond to suggestions, body language, or subtlety. I have told him things I prefer and he does them, and then immediately goes back to the other. So I think I will need to be pretty direct but don't want to hurt him. Thanks for reading all this and for any help you can give me.
Believe me, there's no harm in being direct, so be direct. No 'suggestions', no body language, and definitely no subtlety. Be direct. It won't hurt him a bit.
 
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DontCallMe_IllCallYou is offline DontCallMe_IllCallYou Post #5  June 12,2009, 6:20am
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JoJoBean wrote :
Can I say also? if you are not in to this guy.... buy the book for your self.

LOL, I like your style.
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #6  June 12,2009, 9:14am

is not out of his mind - just out of bullets

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why don't you just fake a few orgasms - he won't know the difference
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #7  June 12,2009, 9:51am
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ellie82smiles wrote :
He doesn't seem to respond to suggestions, body language, or subtlety. I have told him things I prefer and he does them, and then immediately goes back to the other. So I think I will need to be pretty direct but don't want to hurt him. Thanks for reading all this and for any help you can give me.
He has his routine that worked on others or for himself and you have yours. You don't seem to "respond" to his moves the way he wants, and he doesn't "respond" to your reactions the way you want. Sounds like a "chemistry" problem. It should just flow with passion and reckless abandon...when you are with the right person. Talking and directing traffic generally don't help that much.
 
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When_I_See_You_Smile is offline When_I_See_You_Smile Post #8  June 12,2009, 10:39am
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txbubba wrote :
why don't you just fake a few orgasms - he won't know the difference
It's never a good idea to fake it. If you start doing that, the guy is going to think that he's doing everything right, and he will be hurt when he finds out that he hasn't really been pleasing her. Faking it is dishonest, and counterproductive.

Now, there's nothing wrong with telling your partner that it's just not going to happen this time (if that is indeed the case, esp. during a lengthy session). Sometimes, all that matters, is that you're spending quality time together, and that you feel close to each other.

And to address your second statement, "...he won't know the difference" -- that's simply not true. A man who is in tune with his partner, will definitely know when she's satisfied. At the very least, he will be able to feel her contractions. After being together for awhile, he will also learn to recognize other signals (breathing patterns, sounds, facial expressions, etc...).

If a woman is faking it, he will never learn how to "read" her, which will ultimately lead to frustration and resentment.

Most men want to please their partners, usually first and foremost. If she's satisfied first, he'll be able to focus on his own pleasure, without worrying about whether or not she's there yet.

Now, it doesn't always have to work this way. Many couples enjoy taking turns, or even trying to get there at the same time. Once you become more comfortable with each other, you'll figure out what works for you.

To the OP, I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like this guy is simply trying too hard (i.e., he sees it as a challenge). I would also wager, as you mentioned, that he is indeed insecure about his skills. The bottom line here, is that he needs to listen to what you're telling him, and to respect your wishes.

My advice is to read some literature (start with the book JoJo mentioned), and then have a discussion with him, about your expectations and beliefs regarding sex. Do this outside of the bedroom.

It may also be necessary to "direct" your next experience with him. Try telling him that it's "your turn" to please him. Set up some ground rules:

1. Tell him to relax and enjoy

2. Tell him that he can't touch you -- yet!

3. Tell him that you're going to take your time

The objective here is to get him to relax, while you do the things that you enjoy, the things that will arouse you. If he's not so focused on trying all of these crazy things that aren't working for you, then you should be able to show him what will work for you.

When you're comfortable, begin asking him to touch you, or to do specific things. When he gets it right, praise him (either with words or sounds), and then remind him to wait for your next direction. Again, the goal here is to show him what you like, in a more relaxed way.

When he sees that he is pleasing you, he's going to be thrilled, and a lot less anxious about doing it right.

You will probably need to continue these kind of sessions, until he learns how to "read" you on his own. The good news is, consistent success, will increase his confidence.

Best of luck to you!

WISYS
 
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When_I_See_You_Smile is offline When_I_See_You_Smile Post #9  June 12,2009, 10:42am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
He has his routine that worked on others or for himself and you have yours. You don't seem to "respond" to his moves the way he wants, and he doesn't "respond" to your reactions the way you want. Sounds like a "chemistry" problem. It should just flow with passion and reckless abandon...when you are with the right person. Talking and directing traffic generally don't help that much.
Good point. If all else fails, he's probably not the right guy for you. There's no harm in trying to work on it first, though. The OP will need to decide when enough is enough.
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #10  June 12,2009, 12:06pm
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JoJoBean wrote :
Can I suggest a great book you to could read together?
It is called
Orgasms
How to have them, give them and keep them coming.
By Lou Paget
Happy reading
Hmmm, I think I'm gonna go out and buy this book.
That's the thing with us guys, we all want to be studs in the sack. I'm guessing the harder he tries the more of a turnoff it is right? Sometimes we act that the entire relationship is based on the woman having the big O. His male ego is at stake and I have no idea on how to get him to listen/follow to your requests.
 
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