When can the female begin initiating dates/plans?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Checkingin is offline Checkingin Post #1  June 11,2009, 12:01pm
Checkingin's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 4

See profile

When is it okay for the female to begin initiating dates/plans?

I have been seeing someone I met on eHarmony for almost 2 months. For the first 6 or 7 dates, he would always ask me out for the next date before the current date was over. Some may see that as over eager, but it worked great for me because I am a bit of a planner. I would see him on one night and my friends on another.

These last 2-3 weeks, the pattern changed. There was no asking out for the next date during the current date. He has still regularly called to talk (so I am assuming he was still interested), but it was then I who begin asking him out. I thought this was okay at first (because the female should not expect the guy to do all of the asking), but now this week is the 3rd time in a row I have asked him to do something because the weekend was drawing closer (we usually only get together on weekends) and I wasn't sure if we were getting together.

He has said yes every time, but I am wondering what changed. Is he just getting comfortable? I feel a little foolish about this last asking out and am wondering if I should have just let the weekend pass. OR, do I bring up in conversation on this next date that I usually make my weekend plans earlier in the week?
 
  Reply With Quote
tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  June 11,2009, 12:19pm
tbesq's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 3,536

See profile

You have some perspective on what guys have to go through in the dating process. Tiring having to do all the work, isn't it?

It sounds like this guy felt that after initiating the first few dates, he's waiting to see if you reciprocate the effort to get to know each other. Women want guys to initiate to let them know he's interested, but guys want to know the woman is interested as well. For some guys, the simple fact that the woman agrees and shows up for the date only means she's interested for that date, not that she'll be interested in the long-term.

There is no universal rule for who can initiate dates and when it happens. Generally, it seems guys are expected to initiate everything -- phone calls, dates, e-mail communication, etc. -- up until about the third date. At that point, it would be nice for the woman to initiate every once in a while...men want to feel needed too. I don't know if I'd go the route of this guy and not initiate anything after the first few dates, but I'm just offering a possible explanation for his behavior. He may be getting a little too comfortable, as you suspect. If you like him, I would let him know directly that you'd like for him to start planning some dates and communications again. If he likes you he'll do it.

Best of luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
wishamee is offline wishamee Post #3  June 11,2009, 12:26pm
wishamee's Avatar

has really enjoyed touring her State this summer.

Pacesetter

Joined: Dec 2008

PA

Posts: 260

See profile

It could be that he is comfortable and just assumes you are mutually happy doing stuff together on a regular basis. I am not one to stick to a rigid schedule and neither are some of my friends, men or women. If our togetherness was sort of established for two months, I would be very comfortable with us waiting until late in the week to figure out if we are just hanging out or actually doing something special. I'd be secure in just knowing we'd figure it out according to whatever mood we are in. Other friends are schedule oriented in that they have to know way ahead of time exactly what the plan is, who is driving and exactly what time they will start and finish. I actually hate when my schedule oriented friends want to know what I'm doing and when- they cannot understand that some of us are okay with a more casual approach.
Question- Are you really that busy that you cannot allow a time for some togetherness at the last minute?
 
  Reply With Quote
wishamee is offline wishamee Post #4  June 11,2009, 12:32pm
wishamee's Avatar

has really enjoyed touring her State this summer.

Pacesetter

Joined: Dec 2008

PA

Posts: 260

See profile

What you could do is schedule doing laundry or cleaning the yard /car or something that you don't mind skipping. If you want to give him more flexibility and time to do the asking, just wait a couple of extra days into the week. Then you could ask about doing something together but have your back up plan ready.
Last edited by wishamee; June 11,2009 at 12:33pm. Reason: forgot a word.
 
  Reply With Quote
Checkingin is offline Checkingin Post #5  June 11,2009, 1:19pm
Checkingin's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 4

See profile

Thanks wishamee and tbesq. Hearing that offers some good perspective. I do think part of it is that he is assuming that we will get together....and if we don't, we will another time soon. (i.e. no big deal on his end). As for me....at this point I really do like him and do hope to see him at least once a week.

I also know there might be times where the weekend is not on his mind on Wed/Thursday because work has been super, super busy (which for him it usually is). My job is demanding during the day, but I am more the type to turn my brain "off" at the end of the day.

I could make loose plans for an upcoming weekend (such as the suggested laundry night or maybe a night catching up on some work) and see if he calls. BUT, on the flip side, I don't want to turn down opportunities to go out with friends (I have some that are "planners" like myself) just to do laundry. I guess I could make loose plans with understanding friends.

Maybe this is a matter of communication? I have, in the past, brought up the notion of "Do we have a standing weekend date?" but, not sure when its okay to bring that up. Once I know we are in that phase, I have no problem being the weekend planner. I think my concerns stems from not having the relationship defined just yet. Also, I know that I can be a very assertive female who has no problem asking a guy out....it's more that I am trying to turn that down.

Thanks again!
 
  Reply With Quote
tbesq is offline tbesq Post #6  June 11,2009, 1:27pm
tbesq's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 3,536

See profile

I do hope it helps. I think your thread topic is a little different from you actual post. I interpreted the thread title as asking, in general, when a female can begin initiating dates and plans, whereas the actual post seems to really deal with the actual timing of making the dates. I think wishamee gives good advice on that.

I think it's good to be somewhat spontaneous, but it's definitely nice to nail down when he or she will actually be available a few days ahead. I think it's generally presumed that weekends will be free, and so if you know you will not be free one of those days, let the guy know as soon as you know. Same goes for if the guy has plans on a "date night."
 
  Reply With Quote
Checkingin is offline Checkingin Post #7  June 11,2009, 1:44pm
Checkingin's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 4

See profile

Ah, tbesq......you brought up a great point and way to handle this. (yes....it was the timing of asking). I could just let him know if I have plans. This way I am not turning down something I really want to do.

But, it also sounds like you are saying that it's not too much to expect to be asked a couple days ahead of time (hence, me wanting to know what's going on by Thursday'ish....and me asking him when he hasn't asked me). Nice to hear that. It seemed obvious to me, but was not sure if I was expecting too much.

I do, however, think I want him to ask next. This means that I might have to let a weekend pass without plans. I don't want to play games, but I think this is same expectation I would have with a friend. You ask a couple of times, they ask a couple of times....
 
  Reply With Quote
tbesq is offline tbesq Post #8  June 11,2009, 1:47pm
tbesq's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 3,536

See profile

I think it's fine to at least ask him (or he ask you) whether he'll at least be free on a certain night, in advance. As far as what you two actually do, that can be done at any time (assuming you've already gotten past the initial few dates of "everything has to be perfect").

I agree with your thinking here...it's the principle of it. It should be a back and forth. How many "we always do what you want to do" arguments have you had or heard others have? =)
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  June 11,2009, 2:24pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,651

See profile

You may be getting into a situation where meeting becomes assumed, rather than arranged. I see that as a good sign of progress.
[FONT=Calibri]
 
  Reply With Quote
wishamee is offline wishamee Post #10  June 11,2009, 2:42pm
wishamee's Avatar

has really enjoyed touring her State this summer.

Pacesetter

Joined: Dec 2008

PA

Posts: 260

See profile

Checkingin, you really can work with your date in being casual sometimes and planned at other times, if need be. Sure it may be a very unusual experience to have a few prime hours blank until what feels like "the last moment" to you. But you might learn to relax along with your honey and go with the flow one weekend or two, a month. As tbesq put it "Spontaneity" can be important to someone who really is BUSY at work toward the later part of the week. One of the loveliest feelings can be responding to each other's nuances and needs- for planned and unplanned time together. And of course if you find that you just can't stand missing out on what your other friends are doing when your weekend seems a little unexciting, go ahead and make plans with your other friends. Don't always miss out on your other old friends either. Your honey may enjoy a little time off to do nothing if your energy level keeps you off to be with friends and back later to spend a little less but still nice time with your honey sometimes.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« not feeling good. | Ask a Dating Expert | too much too soon what to do? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did everything. And the repairs where sure expensive. Grr!I paid for them too. :-/” –  LadyVee

Join the “Confusing Man (LONG STORY)” discussion

“I think people change their "type" depending on what they think they need at that point in their lives. It's so subjective that it might be best if we all just let someone else choose a mate for us ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Changing your "type"” discussion

“In the end, aren't we all winners?” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Last Post Wins!” discussion

“4: sex um. both our values hold sex for marriage, so the next best thing to do when you are driven by lust, i guess is making out? If sex equals marriage, then if his goal is to have sex with you, ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Confused~ He likes me or He wants sex?” discussion

“You know, profile writers remind me of junior high school. The kids who came into an exam clueless, and just rambled on and on, hoping that in there somewhere(?) might possibly be something that the ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “How much profile do you like to read?” discussion

“Chemical burns when one splashes around in nature are no fun! Tree farming, huh. Tax breaks or love of all things tree... Tax break. (I can make these calls, because I'm on the internetz.) He ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“The standard method is to eliminate alcohol and bread (and any other gassy carbs) from your diet. You can also try saran wrapping your midsection for a few days. I've heard that works but I haven't ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Belly Fat” discussion

“My boyfriend will be meeting my ex-boyfriend for the first time this weekend so I will let you know how it goes. He almost met him awhile ago so I thought about this before. I told my boyfriend that ... ” –  alethea

Join the “Hold on, hold on, hold on!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:09am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0