one too many in this relationship


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wantmarriage is offline wantmarriage Post #1  May 28,2009, 10:48am
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I have been dating a man for 7 months now who is into the BDSM lifestyle. I am ok with this, however what I am not ok with is the fact that he is also having sex with a married woman. He is unwilling to give up his relationship with her and says he loves her 50% and loves me 50%. He also says that he wants to marry me and build a family with me. My heart is broken with every weekend he spends with her. I've told him that I would participate in his lifestyle but we could do so monogomously. I don't see why he won't end it with her. She cannot offer him the future that he says he wants with me. I don't know what to do. I truly love him and want to build a life with him. He has never done this with any previous relationship he has been in. He does not think he is cheating on me because I know about it. My opinion is that he IS cheating on me. Ultimatums do not work. How do I get him to strengthen our relationship and leave her behind?
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  May 28,2009, 1:04pm
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Why are you tolerating being treated like this? There are (at least) two issues here. One is that he is not at all committed to you in the way you want him to be, and appears to have no interest in that sort of committment. The second is his sexual fetish, which is one that, if you do not share it (and by that I mean if it is not one that actually turns you on, not just one that you are willing to participate in for his sake), virtually guarantees that you two will not be able to develop and maintain a mutually satisfying and monogamous relationship over the long term.

There is nothing that you can do to strengthen your relationship so he will leave other women behind. He simply doesn't want to. If he leaves that woman behind, there will eventually be another one who replaces her.

What is it that you think is wonderful about him? Why do you think you love him? Is this kind of abuse typical of your past relationships or is it something new? Do you really want this kind of man to be the father of your future children?

The only "good" solution that I see here is for you to leave him and find a better man. That will be terribly painful in the short run but much, much better for you in the long run.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  May 28,2009, 2:47pm
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I agree with him that he is not cheating (though he may well be facilitating the married woman’s cheating.) Some people do have within their sex life more than one partner – which he seems to have been forthcoming about.

You’re free not to participate (I wouldn’t be comfortable doing so, either.) One way is an ultimatum, though I suspect that, if negotiation hasn’t worked, an ultimatum would just make him do it in secret. For that reason, I think leaving is the wisest action.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #4  May 28,2009, 3:35pm
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And why don't you just leave him and find another guy?
 
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kewlbri125 is offline kewlbri125 Post #5  May 28,2009, 6:26pm
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wantmarriage wrote :
I have been dating a man for 7 months now who is into the BDSM lifestyle. I am ok with this, however what I am not ok with is the fact that he is also having sex with a married woman. He is unwilling to give up his relationship with her and says he loves her 50% and loves me 50%. He also says that he wants to marry me and build a family with me. My heart is broken with every weekend he spends with her. I've told him that I would participate in his lifestyle but we could do so monogomously. I don't see why he won't end it with her. She cannot offer him the future that he says he wants with me. I don't know what to do. I truly love him and want to build a life with him. He has never done this with any previous relationship he has been in. He does not think he is cheating on me because I know about it. My opinion is that he IS cheating on me. Ultimatums do not work. How do I get him to strengthen our relationship and leave her behind?
If your ultimatum was "end your relationship with her or I'm ending mine with you" the ultimatum WILL work if you do what you said you would do.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #6  May 28,2009, 6:40pm

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If he was looking for someone submissive...he found it. You are allowing this all to happen and you seem to love him anyway, and I'm sure he loves that. I'm sure nothing makes him happier than the current arrangement, he probably even laughs a little at how smart he is to keep you hanging while he is with the other woman. I'm sure it keeps his ego well inflated. He seems to live himself very deeply, probably even more than you love him.

He won't change for you, that would totally turn him off. He seems to really get off on the power he has over you. Any change would surely repel him.

I see the only option here is for you to leave. And when you leave....be nice to yourself...and try to build your confidence, and try to find a guy that will treat you with respect.

first, you need to respect yourself. Right now, you seem to be attracting the bottom of the barrel, and accepting whatever you get. do you really think this lowly of yourself?

Leave him. He sounds like a real jerk. No nice way to say it.
 
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Blackadder is offline Blackadder Post #7  May 28,2009, 7:05pm
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First, why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who does this?

Second, if he knows it bothers you and is unwilling to stop, that tells me that he really doesn't care as much for you. Like he said 50%. You need someone to love you 100%

He has his Kate and Edith, too. Why should he change if both his women (or more) agree to the relationship? He's fat, dumb, and happy, enjoying life. There's no incentive for him to change his ways even if you pledge to do everything he ever asks.

What does her husband think about it all? Is she in an open marriage or sneaking around? Heck, your guy might be doing all this so you'll be angry at him and want to punish him, BDSM lifestyle and all.

You say he hasn't done this in any previous relationships. Were you there? Do you know that for a fact? It seems to me he'll keep doing this no matter who he is with as long as he can convince the women that it's okay, like he is doing with you. If you were to end it I doubt he'll be crying at your doorstep for you to take him back. Unless you're a glutton for punishment and are willing to share him, move on. My opinion, of course.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #8  May 28,2009, 7:25pm
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For your own sake, please get some counseling because, from your post, it does not sound that you even know what is good or healthy for yourself.
Last edited by EMTZ; May 28,2009 at 7:37pm.
 
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becky21k is offline becky21k Post #9  May 28,2009, 8:14pm
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Tell him you can't raise a family with someone who's only with you 50%... and find someone new -
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #10  May 29,2009, 10:19am
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I am sorry you have found yourself in this sad situation. Your guy definitely has a strange concept of what fidelity means. Every definition of adultery that I have seen clearly matches what he is presently engaged in with this married woman. He has opened himself up to being named in petition for divorce for alienation of affects no matter what he says.

Since you have already talked to him about this subject, talking about this again is not going to change his mind. It is time to cut your losses and move on. Good Luck
 
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