one too many in this relationship


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Robecology is offline Robecology Post #21  July 20,2009, 5:07pm

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Ready for brutal truth? My comments in bold
wantmarriage wrote :
I have been dating a man for 7 months now who is into the BDSM lifestyle.You've been taking all the S.& M. no doubt I am ok with this, (he's the master; you are, no doubt the slave) however what I am not ok with is the fact that he is also having sex with a married woman. Do you know the definition of marriage? He is unwilling to give up his relationship with her and says he loves her 50% and loves me 50%. (in reality 90% her, 10% you) He also says that he wants to marry me and build a family with me. (gotta say something to keep the action going....) My heart is broken with every weekend he spends with her. (did I say 90-10? Make that 95%-5%) I've told him that I would participate in his lifestyle but we could do so monogomously. (you mumbled this, no doubt, while he was on the phone with her) I don't see why he won't end it with her. (painfully obvious to all who read this) She cannot offer him the future that he says he wants with me. I don't know what to do. I truly love him and want to build a life with him. He has never done this with any previous relationship he has been in. (sure; right - and I built the Brooklyn bridge by myself) He does not think he is cheating on me because I know about it.(you're right, here; it's far worse than cheating) My opinion is that he IS cheating on me. Ultimatums do not work.YES, THEY DO weak people can't make them work. How do I get him to strengthen our relationship and leave her behind?
Get some (mental) strength yourself. Talk to a close friend, or see a counselor. Lose his number, place an add with EH. Do not receive his calls, Change your lock (don't even ask for the key back) and tell him (if you must talk to him) good luck, good bye. Do not listen to his pleas or excuses. I don't wish you good luck; we make our own odds; I wish you "make it happen".
 
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Genie57 is offline Genie57 Post #22  July 21,2009, 6:47am
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Robecology wrote :
Ready for brutal truth? My comments in bold Get some (mental) strength yourself. Talk to a close friend, or see a counselor. Lose his number, place an add with EH. Do not receive his calls, Change your lock (don't even ask for the key back) and tell him (if you must talk to him) good luck, good bye. Do not listen to his pleas or excuses. I don't wish you good luck; we make our own odds; I wish you "make it happen".
DITTO!!

This guy is a cheating loser and he is trying to drag you down with him and you are allowing him to do it. Take your power back and move on. HE WILL NOT CHANGE but he is definintely trying to change you.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #23  July 21,2009, 7:43pm
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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wantmarriage wrote :
I have been dating a man for 7 months now who is into the BDSM lifestyle. I am ok with this, however what I am not ok with is the fact that he is also having sex with a married woman. He is unwilling to give up his relationship with her and says he loves her 50% and loves me 50%. He also says that he wants to marry me and build a family with me. My heart is broken with every weekend he spends with her. I've told him that I would participate in his lifestyle but we could do so monogomously. I don't see why he won't end it with her. She cannot offer him the future that he says he wants with me. I don't know what to do. I truly love him and want to build a life with him. He has never done this with any previous relationship he has been in. He does not think he is cheating on me because I know about it. My opinion is that he IS cheating on me. Ultimatums do not work. How do I get him to strengthen our relationship and leave her behind?
I'm sorry that you have found yourself in a situation where you are unhappy. However, you have to realize that if you have allowed this to go on, he has had no reason to change.

The thing is, you can't change him. No one ever changes unless he/she chooses to. He's getting something from this other woman that he's not getting from you--his fetish fulfillment. While there is no doubt that he is cheating on you, the pull is too strong for him to stop doing what he is doing. He's not going to give this up to be in a "normal" relationship with you, because while you say you'll participate in his lifestyle, you aren't doing that, and he's not willing to completely commit to something that may not give him what he wants. Please understand that I am not in any way justifying his cheating, because it's wrong, plain and simple. His excuse that he is not cheating on you because you know about it is just that--an excuse.

Personally, I'd get out while you can, because I don't think you really understand what you're getting into with this type of relationship. Besides, there is no guarantee that if you give him what he wants that he'll ever be 100% faithful to you (he hasn't been so far), for there will always be other excuses to fall back on.

So, are you willing to allow him to continue to have his cake and eat it too, or are you going to allow yourself the opportunity to be in a relationship where you are both 100% unconditionally in love and committed to one another?

I wish you the best of luck.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #24  July 22,2009, 4:42pm
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ggi1818 wrote :
This guy sounds like a narcissistic jerk and he's found someone submissive who will put up with him. He says he loves you 50%? You need someone who will devote himself 100% to you. Stop wasting your time with this guy. GET OUT NOW!

Ditto on the 100%!
 
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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #25  July 22,2009, 8:31pm
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....says he loves her 50% and loves me 50%.......

Ask yourself one question: Can you be happy for the rest of your life with only 50% of his love, attention, etc? As for myself, I want 100% of my man's love. That's what I give him and that's what I expect in return.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #26  July 23,2009, 8:55am
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I am guessing he thinks you are the masochist in his world view, therefore enjoy the humiliation of his 50-50 nonsense and weekends away.
wantmarriage wrote :
I have been dating a man for 7 months now who is into the BDSM lifestyle. I am ok with this, however what I am not ok with is the fact that he is also having sex with a married woman. He is unwilling to give up his relationship with her and says he loves her 50% and loves me 50%. He also says that he wants to marry me and build a family with me. My heart is broken with every weekend he spends with her. I've told him that I would participate in his lifestyle but we could do so monogomously. I don't see why he won't end it with her. She cannot offer him the future that he says he wants with me. I don't know what to do. I truly love him and want to build a life with him. He has never done this with any previous relationship he has been in. He does not think he is cheating on me because I know about it. My opinion is that he IS cheating on me. Ultimatums do not work. How do I get him to strengthen our relationship and leave her behind?
 
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wildfyre is offline wildfyre Post #27  September 23,2009, 6:52pm
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You say he is in the BDSM lifestyle, but what you have described is a polyamorous relationship. You can have one without the other. Terminology aside, if you are NOT interested in sharing, then get out. It doesn't matter if you are his submissive or slave or whatever. He is not a good and decent Top or Master, or whatever your relationship is to each other, if he does not keep your emotional, mental and physical well-being into account. The wonderful thing about being a submissive, is that YOU choose who to submit to.... YOU do. It's YOUR CHOICE. Not his. Do what's right for you.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #28  September 23,2009, 11:08pm
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Just to offer something else here: How willing are you to try new things, such as swinging, or 3-ways? Do you love him enough to make such offers? If those are out of the question, then get out.
 
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realityspeaks is offline realityspeaks Post #29  September 24,2009, 12:32am
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This guy was never available in the first place. He....has a married lover (who by the way he will never give up), wants you to be with him to bridge the gap when she is with her husband, and is probably giving "her" an ultimation to leave her husband.

Seems she has you both on a string. Leave..and do not look back, you have not invested a lot of time in this "farce" of a relationship.
He is in love with one person...no two...in this order.. her, and then himself.
You never have to give any man an ultimation. If they wan't you they will end the relationships (sometimes callously) to be with you. Read the billboard my dear...he is unavailable, for as long as she ( his married lover) remains unavailable...don't be available on his downtime!!!
 
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Dugl is offline Dugl Post #30  September 24,2009, 3:00pm
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is happy.

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I believe the title is "enabler" and you could have a closer relationship with your car than you will with this male parasite
 
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