Am I being jealous or is she unreasonable?


View Poll Results: Is it OK to sleep over with co-workers when your significant other objects?
I'm a jerk for saying she can't sleep over with guy-friends! 4 30.77%
She shouldn't be sleeping over with other guys in the first place! 9 69.23%
Voters: 13. You may not vote on this poll

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chubbard is offline chubbard Post #1  May 24,2009, 1:53pm
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Hi! I just joined so I could ask this question, and I've never really posted on forums much before. I am 23, and have been dating a girl I love desperately for over a year and a half now. But the problems start with her summer job. She works at a scout ranch in northern New Mexico and they barely have electricity up there much less cell reception or internet.

I called her the evening before she was supposed to drive up, to have our last real conversation for a while when she informs me one of her male co-workers has volunteered to caravan together (since its a 7-9 hour drive). I honestly couldn't be more glad to hear it because her car isn't terribly reliable. But, she goes on to say that he's staying overnight in a town outside of camp with a friend of his, so he can get to camp fresh the next morning. Stopping here is normal, but he asked if she'd like to stay over there with him to save the money on a hotel and she accepted wholeheartedly without a second thought. She tells me this, and I get very uncomfortable with the idea of them staying together, especially since the last time this happened his friend assumed they'd be sharing the same bed!

I told her directly that I was very uncomfortable with this plan, and would rather her stay at the hotel like she originally planned. She insisted there was nothing wrong with doing this, that her parents saw the opportunity to stay there as a blessing, and that I just had to trust her more. I don't believe it was right of her to put me in that position, and ask me to trust her not to take advantage of the situation. I do trust her not to do anything with him, but I just don't think she should force me to have to.

So my question, am I really overreacting when I say her actions tell me our relationship is worth less than $80 to her, and my feelings are less important than her "right" to sleep over with other guys? I'd be alright if she just admitted it was wrong, but she insists she did nothing out of line because they didn't stay in the same room.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #2  May 24,2009, 2:28pm
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If you fully trust her not to fool around on you, then you have no issue. I do think that it is unreasonable to object to her staying in the same home as a man.

If she wanted to cheat they could do so in her hotel room or even in the caravan. That opportunity will be ever-present.

It sounds like she is trustworthy & thus should be allowed the benefit of the doubt.

If she wants to cheat, then she will. If she doesn't want to, then she won't.
 
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chubbard is offline chubbard Post #3  May 24,2009, 2:49pm
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I understand that if she wanted to cheat, she'd have no problem doing it, and I'm several states away so I'd never know.

What concerns me is that she's putting herself in a position where I do have to wonder if that's what's going on.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  May 24,2009, 5:31pm

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every time she's not with you you are going to wonder about what's going on? if that's the case, then you are the one with the problem, not her.
 
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chubbard is offline chubbard Post #5  May 24,2009, 6:51pm
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scarlet13 wrote :
every time she's not with you you are going to wonder about what's going on? if that's the case, then you are the one with the problem, not her.
No, actually I trust her a lot when she's on her own. Its just when she decides to sleep at a guy-friend's place that I raise an eyebrow.
Last edited by chubbard; May 24,2009 at 6:55pm.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #6  May 24,2009, 7:14pm

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chubbard wrote :
No, actually I trust her a lot when she's on her own. Its just when she decides to sleep at a guy-friend's place that I raise an eyebrow.
you either trust her or you don't, and her own parents don't seem to have a problem with it.
 
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chubbard is offline chubbard Post #7  May 25,2009, 4:06pm
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scarlet13 wrote :
you either trust her or you don't, and her own parents don't seem to have a problem with it.

I know, and that's why I'm so confused. If I tried to go stay over with a girl-friend of mine, my parents would go nuts, but hers seem to welcome it with open arms. I don't think its a trust issue, I think its more a cultural issue of whether or not this is acceptable where you come from.

The reason I started the pole was not to settle the argument btw, I wanted to know for myself how many people out there think sleepovers with people of the opposite sex is ok, so long as you're not actually having sex.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #8  May 25,2009, 4:52pm
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chubbard wrote :
I know, and that's why I'm so confused. If I tried to go stay over with a girl-friend of mine, my parents would go nuts, but hers seem to welcome it with open arms. I don't think its a trust issue, I think its more a cultural issue of whether or not this is acceptable where you come from.

The reason I started the pole was not to settle the argument btw, I wanted to know for myself how many people out there think sleepovers with people of the opposite sex is ok, so long as you're not actually having sex.
What in the world do your parents think you would do...lol? Or, do they just consider you to be so irresistible that any woman in the same dwelling is going to attack you in bed...lol?

What you are describing is not a "sleepover." They aren't just "not having sex"; there isn't any hanky-panky of any kind involved. And, it's not a slumber party where everyone is going to sit around and do their nails and then, I dunno...make out? It's just a place to crash on their way to their final destination. How nice that there is a friend who can put them up. Your girlfriend knows that she is your girlfriend and what boundaries she needs to set (if anyone actually attempts to violate them).

So, the thing for you to do is see if you can figure out where your jealousies and fears actually come from, especially if she hasn't in fact given you any reason not to trust her. Jealousy can be a very destructive emotion for relationships, so if it's part of your pattern, then it's something for you to work on. As much as you love her, she is also an independent human being who has to have the ability to make her own decisions and choices. Trying to control her can ultimately drive her away (quite the opposite of what you want!).
 
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trackstar is offline trackstar Post #9  May 25,2009, 5:03pm
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I wouldn't call it a "sleepover" when they are staying in separate rooms. Just seems like a convenient place to stay. Anyway, isn't it safer for her to be staying with friends than in a motel by herself? If you trust her, you should be okay with her having friends of the opposite sex and sleeping under the same roof as them. If they were sleeping in the same bed, I could understand that not being societally acceptable. But separate rooms? How is that any different than a motel? You are over-reacting. Don't try to force an apology from her. In fact, you probably owe her one. It's an absolutely horrible feeling to feel like your boyfriend doesn't trust you (when you would never do anything to hurt him).
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  May 25,2009, 5:03pm
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Completely agree with the above posters. Her actions do not seem unreasonable, however your jealousy and presumptions that you are making are out of line. The fact that her own parents are not worried about something happening to her tells me a whole lot about her capacity to conduct her life in a proper manner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them crashing at a friend's house on the road. What is odd is all the thoughts that you are conjuring about what would be going on. Your gf is not some wild animal. You need to get a grip on your jealousy and your need to control things not just for the sake of this relationship but for the future in general. I'm sure there are faster ways to destroy relationships than this kind of accusatory, unfounded jealousy and insecurity on your part, but nothing comes to mind right now.
 
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